It has been hard for me to write due to limited time & feeling unsure about sharing my new mom struggles in this space. However, even while still trying to get pregnant I enjoyed reading these type of posts so I'm hoping sharing this might help another mom out there.
Oh breastfeeding... I felt so strongly about wanting breastfeeding to go well for a multitude of reasons. I knew it would be hard with twins. And it was. I knew that it would be worth it. And it is.
The first day they were born is a little bit of a blur now with being awake for 48 hrs before they arrived, the c-section, & duramorph in the epidural which resulted in a drugged & puking mama for 24 hours. But I know they latched pretty well at the same time as soon as we got into the recovery room & fed at least a couple more times that first day. Then the next day things changed. E became what we affectionately called 'hangry' & would thrust her head back and forth feverishly when trying to latch. She went from sleeping to hangry in seconds so it was really difficult to try to avoid. Thus began the practice of feeding them separately as it was just too hard to get them going together. O on the other hand seemed to be getting the hang of things. We saw the lactation consultant at the hospital & she gave us some tips (breastfeeding is not intuitive like you think it should be- at least it wasn't for me). I also started pumping after every feed to try to get my supply up & milk to come in.
Then that second night they were both down close to 10% from their birth weight & the nurse said the pediatrician would probably talk about supplementation in the morning. That was the night I kind of lost it. Breastfeeding 2 babies in a row one who is pissed the whole time & seems to hate it, then pumping for 15 min, and then changing them ect took over an hour. We would send them to the nursery between feeds overnight (a godsend- seriously people I love my babies but it was survival time). I think at the 3am feed that night when E would just not latch & was so, so, so mad I called the nurse & asked for formula. Then began the craziness that is breastfeeding, supplementing & pumping. For the next week I nursed them separately followed by my husband feeding them 0.5-1 oz of formula while I pumped. It was hell. Because there were 2 & they weren't on the same schedule I basically was feeding one of them constantly (or pumping). I don't think I slept for more than 1.5 hrs in a row for their first 10 days of their life. My husband kept telling me I needed sleep & that he would just feed them overnight one night so I could rest but I was convinced that I needed to breastfeed them every time they ate or we would fail. I honestly already felt like a failure & I was falling apart. When you are that exhausted for that long you think you have it all together but everyone around you is thinking "woah give that girl a bed or a drink or both." And they are right. My husband was amazing but unfortunately he cannot lactate.
Luckily I had somewhat planned for this chain of events. I had emailed one of the pediatricians that works in the breastfeeding medicine clinic at the hospital I work for during the pregnancy. She brilliantly had recommended making an appt with them when they were born regardless. Making that appt was one of my achievements on that first drug dazed day of their life & when it finally came it changed everything in such a positive way.
Lesson 1- Breastfeed twins at the same time always. IT IS THE ONLY WAY YOU WILL SURVIVE.
So first thing she told us was the goal of the appt was to get them both latched at the same time and this would be the plan from here on out. Since O was the good feeder at the time she would be in charge. Every time she wanted to eat we would feed E too. If E got hungry in between these times we could give a little bit of formula (we never had to do this).
By the time of our appt, E usually wouldn't breastfeed unless she was given a little bit of formula first- she wanted that instant satisfaction. But feeding them simultaneously helped this immensely as well- when I latched O first my other breast would start leaking and thus E would get her immediate milk without much effort.
Lesson 2- Positioning is really important.
My back was killing me that first week. Primarily because I was trying to breastfeed them while sitting on our deep couch without any extra support. I had bought this: My Brest Friend Twins Nursing Pillow but it was really too large for them at the newborn stage.
She recommended I get this: My Brest Friend Original Pillow to use for now and save the twin version for later when they are larger. She also recommended using pillows or blankets underneath either side of that pillow to prop it up and then using little blankets or towels under there heads as sort of pillows for their heads to prop them up to the breast.
Lesson 3-Supplementing is not evil.
I am a pediatrician. I knew this but I had immense mom guilt. It was nice to hear her affirm- for a full term healthy baby the difference between formula and breast milk is small. Yes, there are wonderful benefits for baby, mother & financially but happy & healthy mom & baby is most important.
At this appt at just over 1 week of age they were almost back to birth weight & my milk had really come in a few days before! Yay! So she recommended supplementing if they still seemed hungry- otherwise no need to keep supplementing.
Lesson 4- Listen to your husband.
So this amazing doc said, "You don't really need me. You've got this. But you do need sleep. This is survival mode. I don't care if you don't feed them for 1 night or just get up once to pump. It is not going to hurt your breastfeeding- you need the rest."
The hubby took over that night from 9pm-4am while I slept just getting up once at 12am to pump (I was too engorged not to). Ahhh... what a night of sleep will do for a person. Life changing how much better I felt the next day.
Lesson 5- If you are having multiples or have any breastfeeding issues at all see a breastfeeding medicine specialist/lactation consultant.
The consultants in the hospital are good but at an outpatient visit they have a lot of time to spend with you (our actual time with the doc was >1 hr). They are able to go through the whole feed with you and trouble shoot and then you have their nurse line for questions/back up ect.
This appointment seriously changed everything for us. My husband talks about how the first month was hard. It was, but for me nothing compares to those first 10 days. The impact of that doctor's visit was immediate. They were on a schedule from that night on and we haven't looked back. And by schedule- I mean they still feed on demand just always together. It has made our lives so much easier. I am so very thankful that so much support exists for breastfeeding now days because in the end it has been hard but so very, very worth it.
Tuesday, September 30, 2014
Sunday, July 27, 2014
Our girls are 4 weeks old!
It's hard not falling off the face of the earth after having twins... so here I am emerging from my couch and bad reality television, smelling of stale breast milk and hoping for 10 minutes to take a shower.
Our girls were born on June 23. I don't think I'll ever get around to writing a full detailed birth story so I'll provide the basic details now. Despite our 2 false labors the real deal never came on it's own. So Saturday night we went to my hubby's graduation from Anesthesia residency and then went home to lie awake until 4am when we "awoke" to get ready for our 5am induction. Basically most of my fears throughout the pregnancy came to fruition.
We got checked in and I got started on Pitocin around 6am. Things were slow going... I progressed from 1.5cm to 2-2.5cm and they broke my water on baby A to try to get things moving around 10am. After that a had stronger contractions for a few hours and progressed to 3.5cm. At that point I got the epidural since I knew I'd be getting one at some point anyway with twins and the possibility that I may end up with a C-section. Then over the next 12 hours or so despite high doses of Pitocin (up to 30, higher than the typical max of 20) nothing happened. It was very frustrating. My blood pressure was also high throughout- 140s/90s and was taken every 30 minutes which meant I did not sleep AT ALL. They did not work me up for pre-eclampsia since the babies would be born within 24 hours either way and I had no other symptoms.
Overnight they tried to drop the Pitocin rate for an hour then restart the gradual increase which was again unsuccessful. Around 3-4am we started to talk to the nurse about what the plan would be realizing the likelihood I would reach 10cm and be able to push in the next few hours before reaching 24 hours post rupture of membranes was very low. I was sad that the induction had been unsuccessful but also realize there are limitations of what medications can do. My only regret/wonder is if I should have pushed harder to wait longer for induction since my pregnancy was uncomplicated. I was induced at 39+1 which was already pushing their limit for twins (which they typically induce at 38 weeks) but with a completely healthy pregnancy I wonder if induction at that time was really necessary.
My doctor came in around 5 and we discussed going ahead with c-section since i had not progressed any further. She warned me that my risk for hemorrhage was higher given I had been on a high dose of Pitocin for so long & was not contracting. Since Pitocin is what they give to help the uterus contract & bleeding stop after delivery she was concerned that I wouldn't respond & discussed the risk for hysterectomy. I know she had to discuss all the possible risks with me & I certainly was higher risk for that potential complication but talking about that right before we went to the OR did not serve my nerves well. We went back to the OR around 6am. They dosed up my epidural & my pain control during the c-section was excellent. I really didn't feel much at all.
Elaina Grace was born on Monday, 6/23/14 at 6:23am. She came into the world screaming and has been a firecracker ever since.
Olivia Jane was born at 6:24 also healthy & hollering. She has been our chill baby with the most pathetic/adorable little cry & lower lip quiver.
Our hospitalization had a few rough spots (a post for another day) but we got to go home on Thursday 6/26 & have been slowly figuring out their personalities & this whole parenting thing. We are all 4 happy & healthy & doing well but tired... Very tired. Twins are hard and wonderful in ways I did & didn't imagine. I wouldn't change a thing but I am counting my blessings that my husband's been home with me this whole time.
We are 3 lucky girls that's for sure.
Our girls were born on June 23. I don't think I'll ever get around to writing a full detailed birth story so I'll provide the basic details now. Despite our 2 false labors the real deal never came on it's own. So Saturday night we went to my hubby's graduation from Anesthesia residency and then went home to lie awake until 4am when we "awoke" to get ready for our 5am induction. Basically most of my fears throughout the pregnancy came to fruition.
We got checked in and I got started on Pitocin around 6am. Things were slow going... I progressed from 1.5cm to 2-2.5cm and they broke my water on baby A to try to get things moving around 10am. After that a had stronger contractions for a few hours and progressed to 3.5cm. At that point I got the epidural since I knew I'd be getting one at some point anyway with twins and the possibility that I may end up with a C-section. Then over the next 12 hours or so despite high doses of Pitocin (up to 30, higher than the typical max of 20) nothing happened. It was very frustrating. My blood pressure was also high throughout- 140s/90s and was taken every 30 minutes which meant I did not sleep AT ALL. They did not work me up for pre-eclampsia since the babies would be born within 24 hours either way and I had no other symptoms.
Overnight they tried to drop the Pitocin rate for an hour then restart the gradual increase which was again unsuccessful. Around 3-4am we started to talk to the nurse about what the plan would be realizing the likelihood I would reach 10cm and be able to push in the next few hours before reaching 24 hours post rupture of membranes was very low. I was sad that the induction had been unsuccessful but also realize there are limitations of what medications can do. My only regret/wonder is if I should have pushed harder to wait longer for induction since my pregnancy was uncomplicated. I was induced at 39+1 which was already pushing their limit for twins (which they typically induce at 38 weeks) but with a completely healthy pregnancy I wonder if induction at that time was really necessary.
My doctor came in around 5 and we discussed going ahead with c-section since i had not progressed any further. She warned me that my risk for hemorrhage was higher given I had been on a high dose of Pitocin for so long & was not contracting. Since Pitocin is what they give to help the uterus contract & bleeding stop after delivery she was concerned that I wouldn't respond & discussed the risk for hysterectomy. I know she had to discuss all the possible risks with me & I certainly was higher risk for that potential complication but talking about that right before we went to the OR did not serve my nerves well. We went back to the OR around 6am. They dosed up my epidural & my pain control during the c-section was excellent. I really didn't feel much at all.
Elaina Grace was born on Monday, 6/23/14 at 6:23am. She came into the world screaming and has been a firecracker ever since.
Olivia Jane was born at 6:24 also healthy & hollering. She has been our chill baby with the most pathetic/adorable little cry & lower lip quiver.
Our hospitalization had a few rough spots (a post for another day) but we got to go home on Thursday 6/26 & have been slowly figuring out their personalities & this whole parenting thing. We are all 4 happy & healthy & doing well but tired... Very tired. Twins are hard and wonderful in ways I did & didn't imagine. I wouldn't change a thing but I am counting my blessings that my husband's been home with me this whole time.
Wednesday, June 18, 2014
Ready for the Real Deal
So yesterday my hubby and I were both convinced was it...
I woke up at 2:30am having infrequent contractions & laid in bed until 3:15 when I realized there was no way that I could sleep and got up to lie on the couch. The contractions got progressively stronger & more frequent until around 5am I had to run to the bathroom to puke. Made me realize why they starve pregnant ladies who are in labor as there was still food in my belly for me to puke up when I had last eaten around 9pm.
The puking woke up my hubby. I was trying to let him sleep in case this was the real deal so that at least one of us would be rested. By 6ish my contractions were 5-7 minutes apart. So we started packing up for the hospital & I was making the hubby wash the few dishes in the sink, straighten things up ect. Then I got in the shower around 7:30 & things just started to slow down. I had an appointment with BPP since I'm over 38 weeks for 10am. We planned to call them & ask if we should come or go to the hospital but by 9 the contractions were only coming 2-3 an hour. I was actually very disappointed. We had gotten so excited to meet them & I thought I'd get to avoid induction.
Things looked good at my appointment though. They both passed their BPP. My weight was down 4 lb- being on my feet less at work has meant much less swelling, and my BP was slightly better although still a little high (128/90). And best news of all... I have gone from not even 1cm & thick (which I have been since 32 wks) to 1.5cm & 30% effaced. I know this is a small change but it means things are changing and gives me much more hope that an induction will be successful.
Yesterday was my second false labor... Had less frequent contractions but still for several hours at 35 + 2. After 2 trial runs we are ready for the real deal.
We are down to 3.5 days until induction... Sunday at 5am.
My PUPPP rash is killing me...
I woke up at 2:30am having infrequent contractions & laid in bed until 3:15 when I realized there was no way that I could sleep and got up to lie on the couch. The contractions got progressively stronger & more frequent until around 5am I had to run to the bathroom to puke. Made me realize why they starve pregnant ladies who are in labor as there was still food in my belly for me to puke up when I had last eaten around 9pm.
The puking woke up my hubby. I was trying to let him sleep in case this was the real deal so that at least one of us would be rested. By 6ish my contractions were 5-7 minutes apart. So we started packing up for the hospital & I was making the hubby wash the few dishes in the sink, straighten things up ect. Then I got in the shower around 7:30 & things just started to slow down. I had an appointment with BPP since I'm over 38 weeks for 10am. We planned to call them & ask if we should come or go to the hospital but by 9 the contractions were only coming 2-3 an hour. I was actually very disappointed. We had gotten so excited to meet them & I thought I'd get to avoid induction.
Things looked good at my appointment though. They both passed their BPP. My weight was down 4 lb- being on my feet less at work has meant much less swelling, and my BP was slightly better although still a little high (128/90). And best news of all... I have gone from not even 1cm & thick (which I have been since 32 wks) to 1.5cm & 30% effaced. I know this is a small change but it means things are changing and gives me much more hope that an induction will be successful.
Yesterday was my second false labor... Had less frequent contractions but still for several hours at 35 + 2. After 2 trial runs we are ready for the real deal.
We are down to 3.5 days until induction... Sunday at 5am.
My PUPPP rash is killing me...
Yea... That is my belly today. It has spread & is out of control. The 90 degree blanket of heat outside is making it miserable, sweat + this = unhappiness. At this point lying down so that my huge belly does not touch my thighs and covering my belly in ice packs is the only thing that provides relief. This makes it difficult to sleep since I can't really keep an ice pack in place. Delivery is apparently the cure and it better be because I thought the carpal tunnel was bad but this is much, much worse.
Anyone else have this and have any ideas? I have tried Cortisone cream and Benadryl both of which essentially do nothing.
I am learning to repeat the mantra 4 more days, 4 more days as I itch the shit out of my belly. I think moving up the induction for a rash seems silly (but I do debate it on an hourly basis). It will all be worth it when they are in our arms. I can do anything for 4 days just to see our girls faces.
Wednesday, June 11, 2014
Why Hello There...
I have started several posts which haven't been published because I was trying to avoid being a whiny bitch during the most challenging part of my pregnancy (at least to you all... my husband got the brunt of it). I think I can declare victory at this point.
I don't know what happened at 32/33ish weeks but I hit this wall and wanted these girls out of me so badly. I just felt horrible all the time... pain in the ribs from their butts/feet, squashed stomach which made it impossible to eat resulting in oscillation between ravenous hunger and overwhelming nausea, and worsened carpal tunnel with permanently numb hands. I set my goal at surviving to 36 weeks and then planned to do anything in my power to get these chicas out into the world.
Then somewhere between 35-36 weeks things started to look up. I think they dropped some and now I can breath and sleep slightly better (although now waking up every 1.5-2 hours to pee). And surprisingly enough, here we are FULL TERM at 37 weeks and 3 days. I am quite proud of myself even though it probably has more to do with luck... there were days in the past month I didn't think I could do it. Now I am okay with them hanging out in there... just for a little while longer. At the same time, I am so excited to meet them and would love for them to get this show on the road on their own to avoid induction.
My fears/focus has now shifted to trying to get used to the idea of potentially not having the birth experience I desire. My OB is telling me they will induce by the end of 38 weeks due to the risks outweighing the benefits with twins beyond that point... BUT I am not even 1cm dilated, the babies are still pretty high, and I have had absolutely no complications/risk factors (no gestational diabetes, good BP, GBS neg). If my cervix does not start to change soon I think the risk of induction failure is relatively high... meaning C-section... which has been a huge fear of mine since they said "twins" at 6 weeks. I know that I need to accept that I have no control and make peace with that but my type A planner personality means doing so is less than easy.
I have my 37 week appointment tomorrow and I'm guessing we may talk about an induction date. My hubby has his residency graduation on 6/21 which will be 38 + 6. I am hoping that either a) my cervix has dilated some or b) they will let us wait to be induced until Sunday, 6/22 or Monday, 6/23 or c) both! We shall see... The hubby says his graduation is not that important to him but considering it's the culmination of 4 years of undergrad, 4 years of med school, and 4 years of residency finally resulting in a real actual job I think it's kind of a big deal. I agree with him that babies are a bigger deal but I thought they'd be here by now so we could do both. So I am hopeful we still can.
But mostly... mostly I am thankful... thankful that we have made it to full term, thankful that we have 2 healthy looking big babies (estimated 6lb 4 oz and 6lb 5 oz last week at 36 + 2), thankful that we are able to create this family we wanted for so long.
I don't know what happened at 32/33ish weeks but I hit this wall and wanted these girls out of me so badly. I just felt horrible all the time... pain in the ribs from their butts/feet, squashed stomach which made it impossible to eat resulting in oscillation between ravenous hunger and overwhelming nausea, and worsened carpal tunnel with permanently numb hands. I set my goal at surviving to 36 weeks and then planned to do anything in my power to get these chicas out into the world.
Then somewhere between 35-36 weeks things started to look up. I think they dropped some and now I can breath and sleep slightly better (although now waking up every 1.5-2 hours to pee). And surprisingly enough, here we are FULL TERM at 37 weeks and 3 days. I am quite proud of myself even though it probably has more to do with luck... there were days in the past month I didn't think I could do it. Now I am okay with them hanging out in there... just for a little while longer. At the same time, I am so excited to meet them and would love for them to get this show on the road on their own to avoid induction.
My fears/focus has now shifted to trying to get used to the idea of potentially not having the birth experience I desire. My OB is telling me they will induce by the end of 38 weeks due to the risks outweighing the benefits with twins beyond that point... BUT I am not even 1cm dilated, the babies are still pretty high, and I have had absolutely no complications/risk factors (no gestational diabetes, good BP, GBS neg). If my cervix does not start to change soon I think the risk of induction failure is relatively high... meaning C-section... which has been a huge fear of mine since they said "twins" at 6 weeks. I know that I need to accept that I have no control and make peace with that but my type A planner personality means doing so is less than easy.
I have my 37 week appointment tomorrow and I'm guessing we may talk about an induction date. My hubby has his residency graduation on 6/21 which will be 38 + 6. I am hoping that either a) my cervix has dilated some or b) they will let us wait to be induced until Sunday, 6/22 or Monday, 6/23 or c) both! We shall see... The hubby says his graduation is not that important to him but considering it's the culmination of 4 years of undergrad, 4 years of med school, and 4 years of residency finally resulting in a real actual job I think it's kind of a big deal. I agree with him that babies are a bigger deal but I thought they'd be here by now so we could do both. So I am hopeful we still can.
But mostly... mostly I am thankful... thankful that we have made it to full term, thankful that we have 2 healthy looking big babies (estimated 6lb 4 oz and 6lb 5 oz last week at 36 + 2), thankful that we are able to create this family we wanted for so long.
Saturday, May 10, 2014
I am old and so are our babies
I turned 30 on Thursday. I have been told I am ridiculous but 30 does feel and sound quite old (to me). It was a pretty uneventful birthday with me being knocked up and all but the hubby gave me exactly what I wanted... had flowers waiting, cooked a delicious dinner, poured me a (small) glass of wine, and finished it off with an ice cream cake. It was wonderful. I told him I wanted to celebrate later after the girls arrive and he did it just right with this little birthday dinner now.
We had our 32 week appointment and ultrasound this week. Tomorrow I will be 33 weeks which is just crazy. Means we're only 3 weeks from our goal and 3-7 weeks from our girls arriving! Everything looked great on the ultrasound:
Baby A weighed in at 4 lb 4 oz, pulse 145
Baby B weighed in at 4 lb 5 oz, pulse 153
They continue to weigh right around the 50% for singletons and the tech commented that if I make it to term they will probably both be over 8 lb! So fingers crossed to go a little early- 16 lb of baby is a lot! One of them you could already tell has a ton of hair which got me so excited! I love hairy babies (makes them look more baby & less alien at birth I think). My friend's daughter had this thick, dark hair and honestly looked like she was wearing a wig and she was just the most beautiful baby.
The OB proceeded to completely freak me out after our ultrasound. I have mentioned here that my weight gain over the past couple months has been kind of odd. I don't know if it is primarily due to fluctuations in swelling but one appointment (over 2 weeks) I will be up 5-6 lb and the next only up 0.2 lb. It has been this way every other appointment to even out to about a 1-1.5 lb weekly weight gain over the month as a whole. This week I was again up 6 lb. I was pretty swollen in my feet and hands and I didn't think that much of it given my blood pressure remained normal at 120/81. No protein in my urine either. But my OB asks me if they are seeing me weekly to which I replied no every 2 weeks and she said well your weight gain just has me concerned for pre-eclampsia. In my head I'm thinking "huh? but my BP and urine are normal." I pointed out that my weight has done this the past 2 months and she agreed but she remained concerned. I explained that I had an appt made for 34 weeks but I'd be happy to come in next week if she thought that was best. She said we could keep the same schedule just to call if I notice any more swelling, headaches or just don't feel well. Great... now I'm going to think any symptom I have is impending doom.
I'm glad the hubby was at this appointment because he helped calm me down. I am just scared now and feel I need to get everything ready this weekend in case something happens. I just want healthy me and healthy babies. I would feel much better if they keep cooking for at least 3 more weeks. Our goal is to bring them home from the hospital with us to the new, crazy, hectic wonder that will be our lives.
We had our 32 week appointment and ultrasound this week. Tomorrow I will be 33 weeks which is just crazy. Means we're only 3 weeks from our goal and 3-7 weeks from our girls arriving! Everything looked great on the ultrasound:
Baby A weighed in at 4 lb 4 oz, pulse 145
Baby B weighed in at 4 lb 5 oz, pulse 153
They continue to weigh right around the 50% for singletons and the tech commented that if I make it to term they will probably both be over 8 lb! So fingers crossed to go a little early- 16 lb of baby is a lot! One of them you could already tell has a ton of hair which got me so excited! I love hairy babies (makes them look more baby & less alien at birth I think). My friend's daughter had this thick, dark hair and honestly looked like she was wearing a wig and she was just the most beautiful baby.
The OB proceeded to completely freak me out after our ultrasound. I have mentioned here that my weight gain over the past couple months has been kind of odd. I don't know if it is primarily due to fluctuations in swelling but one appointment (over 2 weeks) I will be up 5-6 lb and the next only up 0.2 lb. It has been this way every other appointment to even out to about a 1-1.5 lb weekly weight gain over the month as a whole. This week I was again up 6 lb. I was pretty swollen in my feet and hands and I didn't think that much of it given my blood pressure remained normal at 120/81. No protein in my urine either. But my OB asks me if they are seeing me weekly to which I replied no every 2 weeks and she said well your weight gain just has me concerned for pre-eclampsia. In my head I'm thinking "huh? but my BP and urine are normal." I pointed out that my weight has done this the past 2 months and she agreed but she remained concerned. I explained that I had an appt made for 34 weeks but I'd be happy to come in next week if she thought that was best. She said we could keep the same schedule just to call if I notice any more swelling, headaches or just don't feel well. Great... now I'm going to think any symptom I have is impending doom.
I'm glad the hubby was at this appointment because he helped calm me down. I am just scared now and feel I need to get everything ready this weekend in case something happens. I just want healthy me and healthy babies. I would feel much better if they keep cooking for at least 3 more weeks. Our goal is to bring them home from the hospital with us to the new, crazy, hectic wonder that will be our lives.
Saturday, April 12, 2014
Hello Third Trimester & Creepy Strangers
This past week was a major milestone... I am currently 28 weeks & 6 days! I am very excited to be in the third trimester and beyond the 28 week mark when most premies do okay.
I have still been struggling with uncomfortable hugeness, lots of swelling (especially given I am back on inpatient service working crazy hours mostly on my feet), and terrible carpal tunnel. My right thumb, index, middle, and half of my ring finger are now numb 24/7- it is a strange feeling and drives me a little crazy.
We had our doc visit and monthly ultrasound yesterday and our little minions are still growing wonderfully. Baby A was 2 lb 10 oz and heart rate of 134. Baby B was 2 lb 12 oz and heart rate of 163. I can't believe I have 5 lb 6 oz of baby in there already- that could be a full term singleton (well almost). They are both near the 50% for singletons which is amazing. My doctor was impressed with how I've been doing. I was a little freaked because I gained 6.5 lb in the past 2 weeks (but I did only gain 0.5 lb in the 2 weeks prior so I guess 7 lb over the month isn't terrible). She said given the swelling I've been complaining of it's not surprising and my blood pressure was good so she had no concerns.
The hubby and I went to a multiples class this week. I was hoping they would provide some good tips for breast feeding multiples ect. (advice for when they are actually here). Instead it was a bunch of basic info about multiple gestation pregnancies and was pretty worthless for us. There were about 8-10 couples and one woman in particular ruined the class for everyone (I'm pretty sure I am not alone in this opinion). She knew everything (at least thought she did) and kept trying to correct the maternity ward nurse instructor. It was painful.
I've been starting to get the "Oh my gosh when are you going to pop?" question. It's mildly entertaining to watch people's reactions when I respond, "2 1/2 months." I am tempted to stop telling people it's twins so they are embarrassed by telling me I'm huge... thankyouverymuch. I went out with girl friends last night for the start of a friend's bachelorette weekend. We went to the Red's baseball game. As we were going into the stadium the woman (in her 50s-60s) scanning our tickets squealed, "Oh! You must be about to have the baby!" And before I could move out of the way started touching my belly. This was my first stranger touching belly encounter and I WAS NOT A FAN. I don't understand why being pregnant makes people feel they have an open invitation to invade your personal space.
Seriously?
Do you go around rubbing bellies of non-pregnant people? I highly doubt it... so get your dirty strange hands off of me and my precious babies.
I have still been struggling with uncomfortable hugeness, lots of swelling (especially given I am back on inpatient service working crazy hours mostly on my feet), and terrible carpal tunnel. My right thumb, index, middle, and half of my ring finger are now numb 24/7- it is a strange feeling and drives me a little crazy.
We had our doc visit and monthly ultrasound yesterday and our little minions are still growing wonderfully. Baby A was 2 lb 10 oz and heart rate of 134. Baby B was 2 lb 12 oz and heart rate of 163. I can't believe I have 5 lb 6 oz of baby in there already- that could be a full term singleton (well almost). They are both near the 50% for singletons which is amazing. My doctor was impressed with how I've been doing. I was a little freaked because I gained 6.5 lb in the past 2 weeks (but I did only gain 0.5 lb in the 2 weeks prior so I guess 7 lb over the month isn't terrible). She said given the swelling I've been complaining of it's not surprising and my blood pressure was good so she had no concerns.
The hubby and I went to a multiples class this week. I was hoping they would provide some good tips for breast feeding multiples ect. (advice for when they are actually here). Instead it was a bunch of basic info about multiple gestation pregnancies and was pretty worthless for us. There were about 8-10 couples and one woman in particular ruined the class for everyone (I'm pretty sure I am not alone in this opinion). She knew everything (at least thought she did) and kept trying to correct the maternity ward nurse instructor. It was painful.
I've been starting to get the "Oh my gosh when are you going to pop?" question. It's mildly entertaining to watch people's reactions when I respond, "2 1/2 months." I am tempted to stop telling people it's twins so they are embarrassed by telling me I'm huge... thankyouverymuch. I went out with girl friends last night for the start of a friend's bachelorette weekend. We went to the Red's baseball game. As we were going into the stadium the woman (in her 50s-60s) scanning our tickets squealed, "Oh! You must be about to have the baby!" And before I could move out of the way started touching my belly. This was my first stranger touching belly encounter and I WAS NOT A FAN. I don't understand why being pregnant makes people feel they have an open invitation to invade your personal space.
Seriously?
Do you go around rubbing bellies of non-pregnant people? I highly doubt it... so get your dirty strange hands off of me and my precious babies.
Tuesday, March 18, 2014
All Belly
I think this is every pregnant woman's dream- to have people say to you, "You're all belly."
I am not all belly. I have gained a little weight in my arms and a decent widening of my hips and butt have occurred. The last few weeks though it is just my belly that is growing out and out and out. I like it for the most part, looking really pregnant instead of chubby vs. pregnant but I am starting to feel like there is no more room between my rib cage and pelvis. At the end of the day I just feel so full and get this pain in my right upper abdomen.
Yesterday, I was post-call... I was up most of the night before trying to get 2 kids to stop seizing and awake for most of 36 hours + pregnancy is not a good emotional combination. Last night in my exhausted state I just broke down... I started telling my husband I didn't know how I was going to make it three more months feeling this big and that there is just no more room. He looks over at me and says, "Are you crying?" Yes... I was crying. Exhaustion and raging hormones will do that to you. I called it a night and I am fine today. This is just harder than I thought sometimes. I love being pregnant, but being a medical resident working a ton of hours, having constant work pressure and serious chronic fatigue makes some days really, really hard.
I have been trying to focus on all my nesting activities. It makes me feel like I am accomplishing things and that someday I'll feel ready for their arrival. I am currently in the process of making 2 quilts. I don't exactly know how to sew...my mother bought me a sewing machine for Christmas and I've finally dragged it out of the box. I am pretty excited to be making things with my own hands for our babies but a little scared of how wonky they may look. Made with love is what counts right?
I am slowly checking things off the nursery list:
The room is painted, cribs assembled and with mattresses, changing table set up.
I painted the closet 2 weekends ago and the hubby helped me hang a second rod with a shelf on top last weekend to accommodate all their tiny clothes :)
We have 2 built in dressers in the room (our house is a cape cod with such charming little features). One of them got new knobs and I got this awesome wallpaper to line the drawers with.
My mom gave me a little table to use next to the glider which I need to paint.
We ordered a chair and a half glider which should be here in May.
I need to finish my quilts and I am contemplating making 1 or 2 black and white mobiles for either above the cribs or above the changing table.
I ordered this awesome print from Etsy which I'm planning to put with this Hammerpress print, a cute mirror, and a little birdhouse I am painting in a collection above a little bookshelf.
I also want to get big wood or cardboard letters (the first letter of each of their names) to decorate somehow and hang above each crib.
Things are coming together... I will post pictures eventually when it is looking all calm and soothing and pretty just as I picture it in my head. It's shaping up to be my favorite room in our house.
I am not all belly. I have gained a little weight in my arms and a decent widening of my hips and butt have occurred. The last few weeks though it is just my belly that is growing out and out and out. I like it for the most part, looking really pregnant instead of chubby vs. pregnant but I am starting to feel like there is no more room between my rib cage and pelvis. At the end of the day I just feel so full and get this pain in my right upper abdomen.
Yesterday, I was post-call... I was up most of the night before trying to get 2 kids to stop seizing and awake for most of 36 hours + pregnancy is not a good emotional combination. Last night in my exhausted state I just broke down... I started telling my husband I didn't know how I was going to make it three more months feeling this big and that there is just no more room. He looks over at me and says, "Are you crying?" Yes... I was crying. Exhaustion and raging hormones will do that to you. I called it a night and I am fine today. This is just harder than I thought sometimes. I love being pregnant, but being a medical resident working a ton of hours, having constant work pressure and serious chronic fatigue makes some days really, really hard.
I have been trying to focus on all my nesting activities. It makes me feel like I am accomplishing things and that someday I'll feel ready for their arrival. I am currently in the process of making 2 quilts. I don't exactly know how to sew...my mother bought me a sewing machine for Christmas and I've finally dragged it out of the box. I am pretty excited to be making things with my own hands for our babies but a little scared of how wonky they may look. Made with love is what counts right?
I am slowly checking things off the nursery list:
The room is painted, cribs assembled and with mattresses, changing table set up.
I painted the closet 2 weekends ago and the hubby helped me hang a second rod with a shelf on top last weekend to accommodate all their tiny clothes :)
We have 2 built in dressers in the room (our house is a cape cod with such charming little features). One of them got new knobs and I got this awesome wallpaper to line the drawers with.
My mom gave me a little table to use next to the glider which I need to paint.
We ordered a chair and a half glider which should be here in May.
I need to finish my quilts and I am contemplating making 1 or 2 black and white mobiles for either above the cribs or above the changing table.
I ordered this awesome print from Etsy which I'm planning to put with this Hammerpress print, a cute mirror, and a little birdhouse I am painting in a collection above a little bookshelf.
I also want to get big wood or cardboard letters (the first letter of each of their names) to decorate somehow and hang above each crib.
Things are coming together... I will post pictures eventually when it is looking all calm and soothing and pretty just as I picture it in my head. It's shaping up to be my favorite room in our house.
Thursday, March 13, 2014
2 lb 11 oz of Baby on Board and Almost Viable :)
We had our 24 week appointment and ultrasound this week! I have realized I am getting spoiled with these frequent ultrasounds and probably won't know what to do if I ever have a singleton in the future.
Our babies looked great once again. Baby A weighing in at 1 lb 6 oz, still a girl and currently head down. I gave her a little pep talk to kindly stay that way for the next 3-3 1/2 months. Baby B weighing in at 1 lb 5 oz, also still a girl and yawning and then later sucking her thumb. Ahhh... love is seeing these babies do those normal baby things... makes it feel all the more real. I can't wrap my brain around 2 babies arriving in about 3 months- it is just too good to actually be true. Until they are placed in my arms I don't think it's really going to sink in.
I will be 25 weeks on Sunday... viability. This makes me incredibly happy but also anxious to get through the next 3 weeks because 28 weeks is infinitely better for baby brains and lungs than 25 weeks. I have no reason to think they'll come that early... just 3 months of working in the NICU during the past 3 years and seeing lots of itty bitty twins. So for now I'm just going to be thankful for each week that passes and they grow bigger and stronger.
I have my glucose tolerance test next week and am then going on a mission to get Tdaps for myself, my hubby and all close family members. No pertussis exposures for these babies...
I swear I am going to try my hardest to not be a crazy mom... haha... try being the operative word.
Our babies looked great once again. Baby A weighing in at 1 lb 6 oz, still a girl and currently head down. I gave her a little pep talk to kindly stay that way for the next 3-3 1/2 months. Baby B weighing in at 1 lb 5 oz, also still a girl and yawning and then later sucking her thumb. Ahhh... love is seeing these babies do those normal baby things... makes it feel all the more real. I can't wrap my brain around 2 babies arriving in about 3 months- it is just too good to actually be true. Until they are placed in my arms I don't think it's really going to sink in.
I will be 25 weeks on Sunday... viability. This makes me incredibly happy but also anxious to get through the next 3 weeks because 28 weeks is infinitely better for baby brains and lungs than 25 weeks. I have no reason to think they'll come that early... just 3 months of working in the NICU during the past 3 years and seeing lots of itty bitty twins. So for now I'm just going to be thankful for each week that passes and they grow bigger and stronger.
I have my glucose tolerance test next week and am then going on a mission to get Tdaps for myself, my hubby and all close family members. No pertussis exposures for these babies...
I swear I am going to try my hardest to not be a crazy mom... haha... try being the operative word.
Thursday, February 20, 2014
The Latest Happenings
Now that that's off my chest I figure I owe you all a real update...
I am now 21 weeks & 4 days... 3 weeks away from viability, 6 weeks from a good chance at healthy babies, and probably 3-3 1/2 months from their arrival. It feels so close & so far at the same time.
We had our anatomy scan at 18 weeks & 3 days. The babies looked beautiful- measuring on target at 17 week & 5 days, weighing 8 oz each. Their brains looked perfect & their hearts had 4 chambers just as they should. My low lying placenta also resolved. All is well in my uterus which is such a great relief. We finally decided to find our their genders (well I decided & my husband obliged) and we are having two absolutely perfect little girls. We are thrilled! I was definitely surprised but we are truly happy to have two healthy little ones on the way (the girls or boys part was so much less important).
The past 2 weeks I have been feeling them move all the time which is at the top of my list of most amazing things I will ever experience. I kept having my husband put his hand on my belly but he really didn't think he could feel them until a few nights ago when he felt them kick (or punch?) several times. That was awesome too- having him finally feel them. It is real. This is really happening. We are so damn lucky.
In the interest of being honest- I have had some not so desirable preganancy symptoms. I have had some intermittent leaking of colostrum... I actually just looked down after feeling a wet spot on my shirt at this very moment- so hot. I'm sure my hubby loves this. Luckily it has occurred in the evenings so far- no embarrassing spots at work. I also dry heaved a whole shower at 18 weeks which was long after I thought the nausea & vomiting had left for good.
We also started working on the nursery which has been so fun. We have 2 cribs & the changing table set up. I painted the room a long time ago with a nursery in mind but I plan on painting the closet (which is bright yellow) this weekend & then making it baby friendly- adding an extra bar & a shelf. We ordered an amazing chair and a half glider which won't be here until May but makes me happy to daydream about. I have big ideas for art & hope to make home made black & white mobiles- we'll see how my crazy schedule allows for me to fulfill all these dreams as their arrival quickly approaches.
Finally my hubby secured an attending job for August & is going to delay his fellowship until January to be able to spend more time with the babies & I in their first 6 months. The timing of this pregnancy has worked out better than I could have imagined. Since he will finish his residency at the end of June (when we are due) he has a week of vacation to take that month & then is going to take all of July off and we will just live on my salary for 1 month until he starts as an attending (and his salary quadruples) in August.
Basically we are blessed beyond measure.
I am now 21 weeks & 4 days... 3 weeks away from viability, 6 weeks from a good chance at healthy babies, and probably 3-3 1/2 months from their arrival. It feels so close & so far at the same time.
We had our anatomy scan at 18 weeks & 3 days. The babies looked beautiful- measuring on target at 17 week & 5 days, weighing 8 oz each. Their brains looked perfect & their hearts had 4 chambers just as they should. My low lying placenta also resolved. All is well in my uterus which is such a great relief. We finally decided to find our their genders (well I decided & my husband obliged) and we are having two absolutely perfect little girls. We are thrilled! I was definitely surprised but we are truly happy to have two healthy little ones on the way (the girls or boys part was so much less important).
The past 2 weeks I have been feeling them move all the time which is at the top of my list of most amazing things I will ever experience. I kept having my husband put his hand on my belly but he really didn't think he could feel them until a few nights ago when he felt them kick (or punch?) several times. That was awesome too- having him finally feel them. It is real. This is really happening. We are so damn lucky.
In the interest of being honest- I have had some not so desirable preganancy symptoms. I have had some intermittent leaking of colostrum... I actually just looked down after feeling a wet spot on my shirt at this very moment- so hot. I'm sure my hubby loves this. Luckily it has occurred in the evenings so far- no embarrassing spots at work. I also dry heaved a whole shower at 18 weeks which was long after I thought the nausea & vomiting had left for good.
We also started working on the nursery which has been so fun. We have 2 cribs & the changing table set up. I painted the room a long time ago with a nursery in mind but I plan on painting the closet (which is bright yellow) this weekend & then making it baby friendly- adding an extra bar & a shelf. We ordered an amazing chair and a half glider which won't be here until May but makes me happy to daydream about. I have big ideas for art & hope to make home made black & white mobiles- we'll see how my crazy schedule allows for me to fulfill all these dreams as their arrival quickly approaches.
Finally my hubby secured an attending job for August & is going to delay his fellowship until January to be able to spend more time with the babies & I in their first 6 months. The timing of this pregnancy has worked out better than I could have imagined. Since he will finish his residency at the end of June (when we are due) he has a week of vacation to take that month & then is going to take all of July off and we will just live on my salary for 1 month until he starts as an attending (and his salary quadruples) in August.
Basically we are blessed beyond measure.
Tuesday, February 18, 2014
The Other Side of the Tracks
I haven't posted in nearly a month... sorry for the radio silence. Allow me to explain...
I still find this whole being pregnant thing odd. To be one of the ones I was jealous of and sometimes bitter toward for so many months. It makes me nervous to post here how I'm feeling- good or bad. It makes me think I should never have a single negative thought or feeling about pregnancy which as much as I would love to be true is simply an impossibility. This is not to say that I am not thankful and appreciative and happy every single day. That goes without saying. It's just that there are moments when I feel sick or tired or huge and sometimes I feel immense guilt about not loving even 1% of this.
The hubby and I have 1 real life couple we have be come very close to over the past year who have also had difficulties conceiving. They are also both physicians and due to the aforementioned medical match system had to spend the last 3 years (until July) living in different cities several hours apart. After deciding they wanted to start trying to conceive, she did not have a menstrual cycle for many months even with meds to induce. We initially knew her husband much better than her but she's been here for 7-8 months now and she and I had talked some in the summer/fall about TTC and our frustrations ect. I had noticed in the fall that she wasn't having beers when we went out and brought it up to my hubby. Maybe they are pregnant too I had hoped but I never would have directly asked. Then a few weeks ago we were out bowling with them and I guess my hubby asked and sadly found out they had miscarried at 11 weeks (back in November). Our hearts were broken for them... my hubby who had had quite a few drinks at this point teared up and was really sad about it all night. Unfortunately, her miscarriage has been a drawn out and I'm sure a challenging/frustrating experience- she has undergone 2 D&Cs and Methotrexate... and after 3 months still has a detectable beta. I just want it to be over for them so they can move forward.
Finding this out has just made me think more and feel more self conscious about our pregnancy and good fortune. I know they are excited and happy for us and her husband told me repeatedly not to be afraid to talk about my pregnancy, that they love hearing about it and want to babysit for us in the future... but I don't want to be that person rubbing it in their face. I know how it feels to be the one in that position- so happy for your friend but so sad for yourself at the same time.
I want to find a balance in talking with them about our babies but it is hard. I am so happy and so excited and babies fill so many of my waking (and sleeping) thoughts.
I like to think that I am sensitive about the situation but I am not naïve enough to believe that I don't ever make mistakes or say things that may make them cringe.
It is strange... finding myself on the other side of the tracks.
I still find this whole being pregnant thing odd. To be one of the ones I was jealous of and sometimes bitter toward for so many months. It makes me nervous to post here how I'm feeling- good or bad. It makes me think I should never have a single negative thought or feeling about pregnancy which as much as I would love to be true is simply an impossibility. This is not to say that I am not thankful and appreciative and happy every single day. That goes without saying. It's just that there are moments when I feel sick or tired or huge and sometimes I feel immense guilt about not loving even 1% of this.
The hubby and I have 1 real life couple we have be come very close to over the past year who have also had difficulties conceiving. They are also both physicians and due to the aforementioned medical match system had to spend the last 3 years (until July) living in different cities several hours apart. After deciding they wanted to start trying to conceive, she did not have a menstrual cycle for many months even with meds to induce. We initially knew her husband much better than her but she's been here for 7-8 months now and she and I had talked some in the summer/fall about TTC and our frustrations ect. I had noticed in the fall that she wasn't having beers when we went out and brought it up to my hubby. Maybe they are pregnant too I had hoped but I never would have directly asked. Then a few weeks ago we were out bowling with them and I guess my hubby asked and sadly found out they had miscarried at 11 weeks (back in November). Our hearts were broken for them... my hubby who had had quite a few drinks at this point teared up and was really sad about it all night. Unfortunately, her miscarriage has been a drawn out and I'm sure a challenging/frustrating experience- she has undergone 2 D&Cs and Methotrexate... and after 3 months still has a detectable beta. I just want it to be over for them so they can move forward.
Finding this out has just made me think more and feel more self conscious about our pregnancy and good fortune. I know they are excited and happy for us and her husband told me repeatedly not to be afraid to talk about my pregnancy, that they love hearing about it and want to babysit for us in the future... but I don't want to be that person rubbing it in their face. I know how it feels to be the one in that position- so happy for your friend but so sad for yourself at the same time.
I want to find a balance in talking with them about our babies but it is hard. I am so happy and so excited and babies fill so many of my waking (and sleeping) thoughts.
I like to think that I am sensitive about the situation but I am not naïve enough to believe that I don't ever make mistakes or say things that may make them cringe.
It is strange... finding myself on the other side of the tracks.
Sunday, January 19, 2014
Trip Review and Decisions
My last day of vacation is tomorrow... it has been long and wonderful. I've been off since 1/9 and just found out today that tomorrow is a work holiday for me thus a bonus day of vacation!
We went to Orlando for the first 5 days of our vacay, initially planning to run a race (discussed here), but shin splints and then babies got in the way of those plans so we just hung out in Florida instead. We rented a house with my brother-in-law, SIL (the crazy), and their 3 children. I was worried about this trip, that it would be anything but relaxing. All I can say is thank god I was pregnant. Between my SIL's neuroses and new 4 month old baby and the general number of babies and pregnant women in Orlando I would not have survived this trip 6 months ago.
As I've explained before my SIL talks a lot and in the process says many moronic and obliviously hurtful things. She was the only one when we announced we were having twins to ask, "And not through fertility treatments or anything?" Which I have to admit was better than "Do twins run in your family?" but I still felt was a bit intrusive. I had no trouble telling her the truth especially since she had been so ignorant about infertility when I was struggling the most during our visit with them a year ago. As we talked about my pregnancy and the twins this week she actually said, "Yea, I've had multiple friends have twins through IVF and infertility treatments but I just really don't know much about that since we got pregnant on our first, third, and first tries." Really?! If you have so many friends with fertility issues maybe you should find some more empathy for them and for us.
Ahhh... okay enough ranting now just had to share my frustration. I don't think the hubby always understands why this gets to me. It always will. I don't want people to experience infertility and I know that we got through it easier than many but I do expect people to have a degree of common sense and love and empathy toward their family members/friends.
Otherwise the trip was great. My nephew and nieces are pretty awesome kids and I got a hefty baby fix with their little one giggling at me and falling asleep on my chest. The hubby and I had enough alone time to keep my sanity intact. We went to Animal Kingdom (I had never been to any Disney parks) and it was pretty amazing. They have a safari which was really cool (we are definitely zoo people) and the Bug's Life 4D movie was fun too. Then I surprised myself. We watched the parade of all the characters through the park at the end of the day and I got a little choked up. I have never been too into Disney but there was something magical about it and I just stood there thinking about how unbelievably lucky we are to be able to share this (and all the other amazing sights in this world) with our kids in the future. I don't think I will ever take for granted this gift we have been given.
In other news, we decided to forego any prenatal testing. I had CF carrier testing and was negative before we started trying to conceive but from what I've read the Tri/Quad Screen blood tests can be falsely positive with twins just due to the 2 babies so we have opted out. We both knew we would not want to take even the relatively small risks of an amnio so if our blood work was positive I would just worry for the next 6 months. Our anatomy ultrasound is in 10 days so fingers crossed our babies still look healthy with 4 chamber hearts and normal brains.
We went to Orlando for the first 5 days of our vacay, initially planning to run a race (discussed here), but shin splints and then babies got in the way of those plans so we just hung out in Florida instead. We rented a house with my brother-in-law, SIL (the crazy), and their 3 children. I was worried about this trip, that it would be anything but relaxing. All I can say is thank god I was pregnant. Between my SIL's neuroses and new 4 month old baby and the general number of babies and pregnant women in Orlando I would not have survived this trip 6 months ago.
As I've explained before my SIL talks a lot and in the process says many moronic and obliviously hurtful things. She was the only one when we announced we were having twins to ask, "And not through fertility treatments or anything?" Which I have to admit was better than "Do twins run in your family?" but I still felt was a bit intrusive. I had no trouble telling her the truth especially since she had been so ignorant about infertility when I was struggling the most during our visit with them a year ago. As we talked about my pregnancy and the twins this week she actually said, "Yea, I've had multiple friends have twins through IVF and infertility treatments but I just really don't know much about that since we got pregnant on our first, third, and first tries." Really?! If you have so many friends with fertility issues maybe you should find some more empathy for them and for us.
Ahhh... okay enough ranting now just had to share my frustration. I don't think the hubby always understands why this gets to me. It always will. I don't want people to experience infertility and I know that we got through it easier than many but I do expect people to have a degree of common sense and love and empathy toward their family members/friends.
Otherwise the trip was great. My nephew and nieces are pretty awesome kids and I got a hefty baby fix with their little one giggling at me and falling asleep on my chest. The hubby and I had enough alone time to keep my sanity intact. We went to Animal Kingdom (I had never been to any Disney parks) and it was pretty amazing. They have a safari which was really cool (we are definitely zoo people) and the Bug's Life 4D movie was fun too. Then I surprised myself. We watched the parade of all the characters through the park at the end of the day and I got a little choked up. I have never been too into Disney but there was something magical about it and I just stood there thinking about how unbelievably lucky we are to be able to share this (and all the other amazing sights in this world) with our kids in the future. I don't think I will ever take for granted this gift we have been given.
In other news, we decided to forego any prenatal testing. I had CF carrier testing and was negative before we started trying to conceive but from what I've read the Tri/Quad Screen blood tests can be falsely positive with twins just due to the 2 babies so we have opted out. We both knew we would not want to take even the relatively small risks of an amnio so if our blood work was positive I would just worry for the next 6 months. Our anatomy ultrasound is in 10 days so fingers crossed our babies still look healthy with 4 chamber hearts and normal brains.
Wednesday, January 1, 2014
I Should Worry Less
Sorry to leave you hanging... it was an emotional Sunday.
I ended up calling back to the doc on call for my practice who I unfortunately have never met (or fortunately I guess). She was not the most reassuring and that's what I needed at the time, just some reassurance. When I called back and told her the spotting hadn't worsened but I thought I was maybe having some cramping and admitted that part of that feeling was probably due to anxiety she responded, "Well do you want to come in to check for a heart beat on the baby?"
I was immediately offended that she said baby not babies... I had told her I was pregnant with twins multiple times. I know she hasn't met me and doesn't know the details of my pregnancy but I had just told her. I wanted her to tell me what to do or what to think, not leave it up to me. I know I am a ball of anxiety sometimes and my medical knowledge has worsened my fears during this pregnancy but that is her job... to reassure and explain. So I told her "Yea I think so" and we left for the hospital.
I honestly felt stupid as soon as we got in the car. Her response made me feel stupid. Me knowing in the back of my head the spotting was probably nothing but needing that reassurance made me feel stupid. We checked in at the hospital and waited for almost 2 hours before being put in an OB triage room. Then... they told me the room was too small and wouldn't let my husband come back. Really?! He is my sanity in these moments. I am much more likely to lose it without him.
So then they come in ask me a few questions, take my vitals, then say they'll do a doppler to check the fetal heart tones. She finds one baby after a long search and repeatedly finding my own heart beat. I then say again (as I had told them when I checked in), "It's twins." "Ohh! Well we'll never be able to be sure we have found both with this," the nurse responds. Ugh. So they go to get the ultrasound machine and then decide finally that the room is in fact big enough (now with a huge machine that wasn't there before) and let my sanity back with me. One of the OB residents came in and quickly (thank god), found both babies, and visualized each heart beating strong.
Even though the whole experience made me feel slightly stupid, I am glad that we went. It allowed me to sleep that night. The spotting lasted through Monday and stopped yesterday. I had my regular 14 week appt yesterday and all seems to still be going well. I really liked the OB that I saw and she allowed plenty of time for all my questions and made me feel less looney. I am in a group of 6 OBs so they try to have you see everyone so you feel comfortable with whoever ends up delivering your baby/ies.
In good news... I scheduled my next visit with the anatomy ultrasound. My hubby is backtracking on our decision to find out the sexes so we have a month to figure that out but the more important thing is making sure they look healthy which will hopefully provide me with some reassurance. I really want to start enjoying this pregnancy and worrying less.
Maybe that should be my new years resolution?
I ended up calling back to the doc on call for my practice who I unfortunately have never met (or fortunately I guess). She was not the most reassuring and that's what I needed at the time, just some reassurance. When I called back and told her the spotting hadn't worsened but I thought I was maybe having some cramping and admitted that part of that feeling was probably due to anxiety she responded, "Well do you want to come in to check for a heart beat on the baby?"
I was immediately offended that she said baby not babies... I had told her I was pregnant with twins multiple times. I know she hasn't met me and doesn't know the details of my pregnancy but I had just told her. I wanted her to tell me what to do or what to think, not leave it up to me. I know I am a ball of anxiety sometimes and my medical knowledge has worsened my fears during this pregnancy but that is her job... to reassure and explain. So I told her "Yea I think so" and we left for the hospital.
I honestly felt stupid as soon as we got in the car. Her response made me feel stupid. Me knowing in the back of my head the spotting was probably nothing but needing that reassurance made me feel stupid. We checked in at the hospital and waited for almost 2 hours before being put in an OB triage room. Then... they told me the room was too small and wouldn't let my husband come back. Really?! He is my sanity in these moments. I am much more likely to lose it without him.
So then they come in ask me a few questions, take my vitals, then say they'll do a doppler to check the fetal heart tones. She finds one baby after a long search and repeatedly finding my own heart beat. I then say again (as I had told them when I checked in), "It's twins." "Ohh! Well we'll never be able to be sure we have found both with this," the nurse responds. Ugh. So they go to get the ultrasound machine and then decide finally that the room is in fact big enough (now with a huge machine that wasn't there before) and let my sanity back with me. One of the OB residents came in and quickly (thank god), found both babies, and visualized each heart beating strong.
Even though the whole experience made me feel slightly stupid, I am glad that we went. It allowed me to sleep that night. The spotting lasted through Monday and stopped yesterday. I had my regular 14 week appt yesterday and all seems to still be going well. I really liked the OB that I saw and she allowed plenty of time for all my questions and made me feel less looney. I am in a group of 6 OBs so they try to have you see everyone so you feel comfortable with whoever ends up delivering your baby/ies.
In good news... I scheduled my next visit with the anatomy ultrasound. My hubby is backtracking on our decision to find out the sexes so we have a month to figure that out but the more important thing is making sure they look healthy which will hopefully provide me with some reassurance. I really want to start enjoying this pregnancy and worrying less.
Maybe that should be my new years resolution?
Sunday, December 29, 2013
Scared
I am having some brown spotting today. I have never had this before.
It is really freaking me out.
It's been a small amount so far & no cramping or pain but I am scared. Really scared. I am 14 weeks today. And we told the whole world this past week about these two little loves. I don't know what I'd do if something happened.
I called my doc's urgent line & she told me that if its been a small amt & no cramping or pain to just take it easy today but call back if there is more bleeding or something changes. I have an appt Tuesday and she said if it is just the tiniest amount of spotting to just keep that appointment but if any more than that I need to call her back.
It doesn't seem to be getting more but just persistent & not stopping. I think I am going to go shower & call her again. I don't think I can make it through the rest of the day like this & then 2 more days. I am really really afraid. I love these guys so much.
Please just let nothing be wrong.
It is really freaking me out.
It's been a small amount so far & no cramping or pain but I am scared. Really scared. I am 14 weeks today. And we told the whole world this past week about these two little loves. I don't know what I'd do if something happened.
I called my doc's urgent line & she told me that if its been a small amt & no cramping or pain to just take it easy today but call back if there is more bleeding or something changes. I have an appt Tuesday and she said if it is just the tiniest amount of spotting to just keep that appointment but if any more than that I need to call her back.
It doesn't seem to be getting more but just persistent & not stopping. I think I am going to go shower & call her again. I don't think I can make it through the rest of the day like this & then 2 more days. I am really really afraid. I love these guys so much.
Please just let nothing be wrong.
Saturday, December 28, 2013
A Late Merry Christmas To You
I just wanted to say a late very Merry Christmas to you all! And early Happy New Year!
The hubby & I's Christmas lived up to all our best wishes. It was the best Christmas yet. Although I'm sure each year to come will only get sweeter.
The great reveal:
I found a loose sweater to wear Christmas Eve that hid the baby bump pretty well. I also (really for the first time) fake drank- aka filled the hubby's empty beer bottle with water & sipped on it throughout the night. I really wanted to throw my folks off the scent. I think it worked because they were shocked! On Christmas morning we gave my brother and each of my parents their gifts. They included their actual gifts but also for my brother 2 boxes of Uncle Bens Rice & 2 plastic serving spoons, for my mom 2 Nana cookies & an assortment of pairs of other Christmas themed treats (little M&M men ect.), and for my dad 2 bottles of Old Grandad Bourbon & holiday drinking glasses. My brother figured it out as soon as my dad opened his gift and eyed me with a sly grin. My parents were a little slower- I asked my mom the brand of her cookies but she still didn't get it. Then as she was holding the final gift- a wrapped frame with 2 ultrasound photos- one of each bebe, she yells out, "Are you pregnant?! With twins?" I don't think she really heard us say yes because as she pulled out the frame she was still saying, "Is this for real?" We got a video of this moment (on my new fancy Christmas camera- thank you hubby) & it is one I will treasure.
We left after breakfast to drive to my in-laws. The hubby did not want any fun puzzle for them to try to figure out so we had wrapped up another 2 ultrasound photo frame for them. They were also very happy for us & excited. These will be grandchildren 8 & 9 for them but the first living in the same state & within driving not flying distance. So I think they are looking forward to being around to watch them grow. We face timed with his 2 out of town brothers who did not yet know the news. We then got to slowly tell the Hubby's grandma & aunts, uncles, cousins ect over the next few days which was fun.
It was funny how similar people's reactions were, "You're pregnant- congratulations! Twins... Ohhh..." It also got old quick that everyone's first question was "Do twins run in your family?" First, this is a stupid question b/c identical twins are a random event & even fraternal twins don't have a high genetic component & second, does no one realize this is probably more likely related to infertility treatments & therfore might be an awkward question to ask? Apparently the answer to that question is a resounding no. Most people I told the truth- a brief we had a hard time conceiving & were on Clomid which increases your risk of twins. Some I just said no. It was kind of refreshing to tell so many people (with no degree of detail) that we had struggled & also to have multiple people share their own stories of difficulties, multiple miscarriages ect. It felt good putting the subject out there & normalizing it in a way.
All in all this was one helluva Christmas. We feel very blessed.
I hope that you all were able to enjoy (or at least survive) the holidays and that the new year brings peace & hope.
The hubby & I's Christmas lived up to all our best wishes. It was the best Christmas yet. Although I'm sure each year to come will only get sweeter.
The great reveal:
I found a loose sweater to wear Christmas Eve that hid the baby bump pretty well. I also (really for the first time) fake drank- aka filled the hubby's empty beer bottle with water & sipped on it throughout the night. I really wanted to throw my folks off the scent. I think it worked because they were shocked! On Christmas morning we gave my brother and each of my parents their gifts. They included their actual gifts but also for my brother 2 boxes of Uncle Bens Rice & 2 plastic serving spoons, for my mom 2 Nana cookies & an assortment of pairs of other Christmas themed treats (little M&M men ect.), and for my dad 2 bottles of Old Grandad Bourbon & holiday drinking glasses. My brother figured it out as soon as my dad opened his gift and eyed me with a sly grin. My parents were a little slower- I asked my mom the brand of her cookies but she still didn't get it. Then as she was holding the final gift- a wrapped frame with 2 ultrasound photos- one of each bebe, she yells out, "Are you pregnant?! With twins?" I don't think she really heard us say yes because as she pulled out the frame she was still saying, "Is this for real?" We got a video of this moment (on my new fancy Christmas camera- thank you hubby) & it is one I will treasure.
We left after breakfast to drive to my in-laws. The hubby did not want any fun puzzle for them to try to figure out so we had wrapped up another 2 ultrasound photo frame for them. They were also very happy for us & excited. These will be grandchildren 8 & 9 for them but the first living in the same state & within driving not flying distance. So I think they are looking forward to being around to watch them grow. We face timed with his 2 out of town brothers who did not yet know the news. We then got to slowly tell the Hubby's grandma & aunts, uncles, cousins ect over the next few days which was fun.
It was funny how similar people's reactions were, "You're pregnant- congratulations! Twins... Ohhh..." It also got old quick that everyone's first question was "Do twins run in your family?" First, this is a stupid question b/c identical twins are a random event & even fraternal twins don't have a high genetic component & second, does no one realize this is probably more likely related to infertility treatments & therfore might be an awkward question to ask? Apparently the answer to that question is a resounding no. Most people I told the truth- a brief we had a hard time conceiving & were on Clomid which increases your risk of twins. Some I just said no. It was kind of refreshing to tell so many people (with no degree of detail) that we had struggled & also to have multiple people share their own stories of difficulties, multiple miscarriages ect. It felt good putting the subject out there & normalizing it in a way.
All in all this was one helluva Christmas. We feel very blessed.
I hope that you all were able to enjoy (or at least survive) the holidays and that the new year brings peace & hope.
Saturday, December 21, 2013
12 Week Ultrasound & 2nd Trimester Bound
This week was an excellent week on the pregnancy front. I have been hesitant to update about my good news because of all the bad news that seems to be going around here the past couple weeks. It just isn't fair (a lesson I know I should have learned in kindergarten but still irks me to this day).
On Monday, we had our ultrasound "to confirm dates?" which I was pretty damn confident of but I will never turn down an ultrasound. My hubby was actually able to get off work which was awesome. I had felt bad that he would be missing out on seeing them as real babies for the first long look after our sneak preview at my 10 week appt.
They are still in there growing big and strong. So much crazier than the two little dots they were 6 weeks ago. They were measuring 12 weeks 2 days and I was 12 weeks 1 day so basically right on target. As I've mentioned before I have essentially no experience in my medical life looking at ultrasounds except for head ultrasounds of newborns. I do have some experience looks at 20-24 week fetal MRIs (often done when there is a concern noted on the 20 week ultrasound). I made some comments to the tech about their hands and feet because oh my god... they are just so tiny but fully formed 5 fingers/5 toes hands and feet... takes your breath away. Then I said to hubby that their brains looked good. Cue the tech looking at me cross-eyed, I explained that I'm a pediatric neurologist and she laughed and said yes everything looks good.
We didn't get to hear their heart beats this time but she zoomed in on the hearts again to measure and Baby A was 159 bpm and Baby B was 162 bpm.
All in all they looked pretty perfect to me.
We are telling both of our families on Christmas day and I am getting so incredibly excited for their reactions. My belly has really popped this week. I need maternity pants ASAP. I also need to find something to wear today to go shopping with my mom and for the remainder of this week with family until the Christmas reveal to hide this blossoming bump.
Tomorrow I will be 13 weeks. On the eve of the 2nd trimester I am so incredibly thankful for the journey we've had so far and that these two kiddos have decided to stick around (hopefully for the long haul). It is cheesy but the husband and I really could not have asked for anything more for Christmas this year. We are so happy and grateful.
On Monday, we had our ultrasound "to confirm dates?" which I was pretty damn confident of but I will never turn down an ultrasound. My hubby was actually able to get off work which was awesome. I had felt bad that he would be missing out on seeing them as real babies for the first long look after our sneak preview at my 10 week appt.
They are still in there growing big and strong. So much crazier than the two little dots they were 6 weeks ago. They were measuring 12 weeks 2 days and I was 12 weeks 1 day so basically right on target. As I've mentioned before I have essentially no experience in my medical life looking at ultrasounds except for head ultrasounds of newborns. I do have some experience looks at 20-24 week fetal MRIs (often done when there is a concern noted on the 20 week ultrasound). I made some comments to the tech about their hands and feet because oh my god... they are just so tiny but fully formed 5 fingers/5 toes hands and feet... takes your breath away. Then I said to hubby that their brains looked good. Cue the tech looking at me cross-eyed, I explained that I'm a pediatric neurologist and she laughed and said yes everything looks good.
We didn't get to hear their heart beats this time but she zoomed in on the hearts again to measure and Baby A was 159 bpm and Baby B was 162 bpm.
All in all they looked pretty perfect to me.
We are telling both of our families on Christmas day and I am getting so incredibly excited for their reactions. My belly has really popped this week. I need maternity pants ASAP. I also need to find something to wear today to go shopping with my mom and for the remainder of this week with family until the Christmas reveal to hide this blossoming bump.
Tomorrow I will be 13 weeks. On the eve of the 2nd trimester I am so incredibly thankful for the journey we've had so far and that these two kiddos have decided to stick around (hopefully for the long haul). It is cheesy but the husband and I really could not have asked for anything more for Christmas this year. We are so happy and grateful.
Tuesday, December 3, 2013
Relief...
is two little babies squirming around like crazy in there... moving their little tiny arms and legs to say hello.
Ahhh where do I begin... today was the big "first" prenatal appointment at 10 weeks 2 days. We also met our new OB. I am in love... with our babies and with my new OB. Today was just wonderful in words I will never be able to express.
First a few random moments... I get on the scale and it reads 101. The nurse starts to write it down and tell me to step off and I'm like "Uhh unless I've lost 30 lbs during this pregnancy that is not right." Literally after 5 minutes of trying to zero and re-zero it and weighing me 25 times... first 24 of which were 95-100 lbs (my 8th grade, pre-puberty, 4'11" weight) and finally a correct number. I have gained 5 lbs already... kinda freaked me out but I'm gonna chalk it up to twins and just rejoice in today.
My new OB amazing woman that she is then had the nurse switch us in to the ultrasound room and immediately won me over. She took my history and asked us about our family history ect. and laughed at my worries (in a good way), reassured me and told me what I really need to hear- "You need to be a patient now, not a doctor." True dat. Then she started talking a little bit about twins and said well I'm getting ahead of myself let's take a peak at them, confirm it's still twins (no vanishing twin)... and then magic happened and there they were looking all big and like actual babies instead of just amniotic sacs with a little tiny dot like last time. One of them was kicking the other one in the head- I'm sure this is just the first of many fights I will witness.
We talked some more about my fears and she told me as long as Baby A is head down I can try for a vaginal delivery. She talked about the risk for prematurity and having a back-up plan for work in case I have to go on bed rest or deliver early especially given my job. I told her my initial goal is 32 weeks... I want a "feeder grower" as we call them in the NICU- basically good brain, good lungs just needing time to figure that whole eating thing out... that I can handle. After that my real goal is to make it to 37 weeks- term... that would be fabulous.
She joked with us and told me that really we should just feel so happy and blessed and that most twins are just fine. Then said, you will love them more than you thought possible and started to tear up. I teared up too. She is right... we already do.
Ahhh where do I begin... today was the big "first" prenatal appointment at 10 weeks 2 days. We also met our new OB. I am in love... with our babies and with my new OB. Today was just wonderful in words I will never be able to express.
First a few random moments... I get on the scale and it reads 101. The nurse starts to write it down and tell me to step off and I'm like "Uhh unless I've lost 30 lbs during this pregnancy that is not right." Literally after 5 minutes of trying to zero and re-zero it and weighing me 25 times... first 24 of which were 95-100 lbs (my 8th grade, pre-puberty, 4'11" weight) and finally a correct number. I have gained 5 lbs already... kinda freaked me out but I'm gonna chalk it up to twins and just rejoice in today.
My new OB amazing woman that she is then had the nurse switch us in to the ultrasound room and immediately won me over. She took my history and asked us about our family history ect. and laughed at my worries (in a good way), reassured me and told me what I really need to hear- "You need to be a patient now, not a doctor." True dat. Then she started talking a little bit about twins and said well I'm getting ahead of myself let's take a peak at them, confirm it's still twins (no vanishing twin)... and then magic happened and there they were looking all big and like actual babies instead of just amniotic sacs with a little tiny dot like last time. One of them was kicking the other one in the head- I'm sure this is just the first of many fights I will witness.
We talked some more about my fears and she told me as long as Baby A is head down I can try for a vaginal delivery. She talked about the risk for prematurity and having a back-up plan for work in case I have to go on bed rest or deliver early especially given my job. I told her my initial goal is 32 weeks... I want a "feeder grower" as we call them in the NICU- basically good brain, good lungs just needing time to figure that whole eating thing out... that I can handle. After that my real goal is to make it to 37 weeks- term... that would be fabulous.
She joked with us and told me that really we should just feel so happy and blessed and that most twins are just fine. Then said, you will love them more than you thought possible and started to tear up. I teared up too. She is right... we already do.
Monday, December 2, 2013
20... 20... 24 hours to go...
Tomorrow at this time I will be sitting in my new OB's office for my "first" prenatal appointment. Why is it that the closer the appointment gets the more impatient I become?
Tomorrow I will be 10 weeks & 2 days. Our last update/confirmation on the health & wellbeing of these little munchkins was at 6 weeks 2 days when we found out about baby #2 and heard their beautiful heart beats on the ultrasound. 4 weeks has been a long wait. I am ready. And scared.
I also am hoping, hoping for an ultrasound. My old OB said because it was twins she would definitely get an ultrasound at my next appointment. The nurse at my new office said that probably wouldn't be necessary. It might not be but I would love to see them again.
I have continued to have symptoms so I have assumed they are still in there growing bigger and stronger every day. Some days I have more than others, so on those other days I tend to get worried. Pretty much every night though I have crazy, crazy dreams- extremely vivid sex dreams (which I could probably count on 1 hand how many I've had prior to being pregnant) and then just bizarro dreams that are often scary and wake me up from sleep.
In other news, I am convinced I have a tiny, tiny baby bump. My husband tells me it's just my baseline "beer" gut- thanks husband, you are so sweet. But I think it is more. I went shopping on black Friday to get some sweaters/shirts that would hide this until I am ready to spill the beans. I have decided if all goes well tomorrow I am going to tell my boss hopefully Wednesday or sometime this week before I go out of town for a conference on Thursday night. I have to make some schedule changes and while I hate telling work before my folks and in-laws I am really set on telling them on Christmas and I feel like I should give my work as much notice as possible.
We went to get our Christmas tree yesterday and went to a tree farm and got to cut it down ourselves. We got an 11 foot tree! Spent all day yesterday decorating our tree and living room. I still have to finish the rest of the house but I am getting so excited. Just over 3 weeks until Christmas, I have always loved Christmas but this year I am especially excited! Two of our tree light strands burnt out so I ran to Target last night for more and got 2 more stockings for these little ones... I know they aren't here yet but I couldn't help it.
Everything just has to go well tomorrow because I keep picturing in my head taking down one or both of those stockings and just absolutely losing it. We are so invested in them already that I can't imagine our life without them.
I have made it 4 weeks... 24 hours shouldn't be so bad right?
Tomorrow I will be 10 weeks & 2 days. Our last update/confirmation on the health & wellbeing of these little munchkins was at 6 weeks 2 days when we found out about baby #2 and heard their beautiful heart beats on the ultrasound. 4 weeks has been a long wait. I am ready. And scared.
I also am hoping, hoping for an ultrasound. My old OB said because it was twins she would definitely get an ultrasound at my next appointment. The nurse at my new office said that probably wouldn't be necessary. It might not be but I would love to see them again.
I have continued to have symptoms so I have assumed they are still in there growing bigger and stronger every day. Some days I have more than others, so on those other days I tend to get worried. Pretty much every night though I have crazy, crazy dreams- extremely vivid sex dreams (which I could probably count on 1 hand how many I've had prior to being pregnant) and then just bizarro dreams that are often scary and wake me up from sleep.
In other news, I am convinced I have a tiny, tiny baby bump. My husband tells me it's just my baseline "beer" gut- thanks husband, you are so sweet. But I think it is more. I went shopping on black Friday to get some sweaters/shirts that would hide this until I am ready to spill the beans. I have decided if all goes well tomorrow I am going to tell my boss hopefully Wednesday or sometime this week before I go out of town for a conference on Thursday night. I have to make some schedule changes and while I hate telling work before my folks and in-laws I am really set on telling them on Christmas and I feel like I should give my work as much notice as possible.
We went to get our Christmas tree yesterday and went to a tree farm and got to cut it down ourselves. We got an 11 foot tree! Spent all day yesterday decorating our tree and living room. I still have to finish the rest of the house but I am getting so excited. Just over 3 weeks until Christmas, I have always loved Christmas but this year I am especially excited! Two of our tree light strands burnt out so I ran to Target last night for more and got 2 more stockings for these little ones... I know they aren't here yet but I couldn't help it.
Everything just has to go well tomorrow because I keep picturing in my head taking down one or both of those stockings and just absolutely losing it. We are so invested in them already that I can't imagine our life without them.
I have made it 4 weeks... 24 hours shouldn't be so bad right?
Tuesday, November 19, 2013
8 weeks 2 days and feeling it...
The past week has been rough. Honestly I'm not 100% sure why. I don't know if it's the pregnancy hormones finally kicking in or what.
The end of last week I started crying at basically anything semi-sentimental &/or sweet. On Saturday, I was reading about the San Francisco Batkid and cried. Then I was watching College Game Day and there was a story about a kid who had retinoblastoma (cancer within the eye which typically requires removal of the eye) and had one eye removed around age 2 then the cancer recurred around age 10 & chemo was ineffective and he had to have his other eye removed leaving him blind, during this time he became good friends with the USC football team & he decided he was going to find a way to play football again which he did- he is now his high school's starting long snapper... so then I cried some more. I think there was one more cry that morning but I can't recall the details.
Then I had to work on Sunday & I got my favorite Vietnamese pho with chicken & rice noodles on my way home from work. Finally got home to eat it at almost three o'clock, scarfed it down, before I could even finish had to make a beeline to the bathroom & tossed my entire lunch in the toilet. Then I cried some more. My husband came back to the bathroom offering to do what he could to help & then saw my pathetic face & couldn't help but laugh at me.
I have to admit that in a twisted way the nausea & vomiting provide me with a little reassurance and I would take puking so hard I have little red petechiae all around my eyes over another negative pregnancy test any day. I am not complaining (at least not trying to). I am trying to savor every moment of this pregnancy knowing it may be both my first and my last.
The hubs keeps joking that he is going to get snipped as soon as these little ones get here which is quite funny because he has told me since we met that he would get a vasectomy at 35 whether we had kids or not... which he just turned last week and therefore will be still when these kids are born thus making it not out of the realm of possibilities. He has always wanted 2 kids, doesn't want us to be outnumbered. I have always wanted 4- 2 boys & 2 girls (as if I would ever have control over this) primarily because I longed for a sister growing up with 2 brothers. I keep telling the hubby to just wait and see. Let's get these ones grown & here safe with us before we start making any plans.
I need to get back to where I was the first couple weeks (before I knew there were 2)... I was much more calm & confident, maybe naively so but confident none the less.
Ultimately at the end of each day, week ect, hard one or not I am so happy that things have been going well for us so far and that all signs point to two healthy babes on board. Happy that we got through this infertility business with less intervention than I thought may be required.
2 weeks from today is my next OB visit... doesn't seem so bad.
The end of last week I started crying at basically anything semi-sentimental &/or sweet. On Saturday, I was reading about the San Francisco Batkid and cried. Then I was watching College Game Day and there was a story about a kid who had retinoblastoma (cancer within the eye which typically requires removal of the eye) and had one eye removed around age 2 then the cancer recurred around age 10 & chemo was ineffective and he had to have his other eye removed leaving him blind, during this time he became good friends with the USC football team & he decided he was going to find a way to play football again which he did- he is now his high school's starting long snapper... so then I cried some more. I think there was one more cry that morning but I can't recall the details.
Then I had to work on Sunday & I got my favorite Vietnamese pho with chicken & rice noodles on my way home from work. Finally got home to eat it at almost three o'clock, scarfed it down, before I could even finish had to make a beeline to the bathroom & tossed my entire lunch in the toilet. Then I cried some more. My husband came back to the bathroom offering to do what he could to help & then saw my pathetic face & couldn't help but laugh at me.
I have to admit that in a twisted way the nausea & vomiting provide me with a little reassurance and I would take puking so hard I have little red petechiae all around my eyes over another negative pregnancy test any day. I am not complaining (at least not trying to). I am trying to savor every moment of this pregnancy knowing it may be both my first and my last.
The hubs keeps joking that he is going to get snipped as soon as these little ones get here which is quite funny because he has told me since we met that he would get a vasectomy at 35 whether we had kids or not... which he just turned last week and therefore will be still when these kids are born thus making it not out of the realm of possibilities. He has always wanted 2 kids, doesn't want us to be outnumbered. I have always wanted 4- 2 boys & 2 girls (as if I would ever have control over this) primarily because I longed for a sister growing up with 2 brothers. I keep telling the hubby to just wait and see. Let's get these ones grown & here safe with us before we start making any plans.
I need to get back to where I was the first couple weeks (before I knew there were 2)... I was much more calm & confident, maybe naively so but confident none the less.
Ultimately at the end of each day, week ect, hard one or not I am so happy that things have been going well for us so far and that all signs point to two healthy babes on board. Happy that we got through this infertility business with less intervention than I thought may be required.
2 weeks from today is my next OB visit... doesn't seem so bad.
Friday, November 15, 2013
Beware... the crazy is coming out
I am trying very hard not to be nervous. It is difficult. I feel less pregnant today and so I start worrying. I know that doesn't accomplish anything but waiting 2 more weeks for my next appointment and to hear the heart beats is going to be really hard.
I will be 8 weeks on Sunday. We heard the heart beats at 6 weeks 2 days so I should worry less... but that reassurance only lasts for so long.
We switched OBs this week and I feel better about that. My OB that I've been seeing for my yearly Gyn and this past 1.5 years for infertility delivers at a hospital that does not have a real NICU. I was already worried about this before I was ever even pregnant- mostly because I am a pediatric neurologist and I see the worst of the worst in the NICUs. I know this is such a small percentage and that most babies are born healthy and on time but it is hard not to think about the N of 1.
When I found out we have twins cooking in there... the worries jumped to a whole new level and I knew for my own sanity I just could not deliver at that hospital. I called my OB who left me a message reassuring me they deliver twins there all the time who do well. That is great, I am happy for those moms, I will not be one of them. I told my former OB office that I know it is mostly the crazy pediatric neurologist in me but that for my own peace of mind I need to deliver at one of the two hospitals in the city that have a real NICU and well trained pediatric care (even in the middle of the night).
Most of my friends have delivered at one of these hospitals so I got some names at a particular practice and made the switch. The doctor there had to approve my transfer, but they did, so all is good. The person who scheduled my appointment said they may not do an ultrasound at this upcoming appointment (which my previous OB said they would definitely do) so I'm hoping I can weasel my way into one or that that person is just misinformed. I told her I was having twins but that didn't seem to change her mind. I just want to hear those heart beats again and see them again.
I have to hold it together for 2 more weeks and 4 more days... wish me luck.
I will be 8 weeks on Sunday. We heard the heart beats at 6 weeks 2 days so I should worry less... but that reassurance only lasts for so long.
We switched OBs this week and I feel better about that. My OB that I've been seeing for my yearly Gyn and this past 1.5 years for infertility delivers at a hospital that does not have a real NICU. I was already worried about this before I was ever even pregnant- mostly because I am a pediatric neurologist and I see the worst of the worst in the NICUs. I know this is such a small percentage and that most babies are born healthy and on time but it is hard not to think about the N of 1.
When I found out we have twins cooking in there... the worries jumped to a whole new level and I knew for my own sanity I just could not deliver at that hospital. I called my OB who left me a message reassuring me they deliver twins there all the time who do well. That is great, I am happy for those moms, I will not be one of them. I told my former OB office that I know it is mostly the crazy pediatric neurologist in me but that for my own peace of mind I need to deliver at one of the two hospitals in the city that have a real NICU and well trained pediatric care (even in the middle of the night).
Most of my friends have delivered at one of these hospitals so I got some names at a particular practice and made the switch. The doctor there had to approve my transfer, but they did, so all is good. The person who scheduled my appointment said they may not do an ultrasound at this upcoming appointment (which my previous OB said they would definitely do) so I'm hoping I can weasel my way into one or that that person is just misinformed. I told her I was having twins but that didn't seem to change her mind. I just want to hear those heart beats again and see them again.
I have to hold it together for 2 more weeks and 4 more days... wish me luck.
Tuesday, November 5, 2013
Surprise! Holy shit!
We had our early ultrasound today. It was crazy. I was lying there vag cam in place and the tech just kept scanning back and forth and I'm thinking what are those 2 things? My ovaries?
I look at my hubby. He grabs my hand and I'm like what is it? He holds up two fingers. I say no way. So he holds up four fingers and I start cracking up. I'm sure it's always appropriate to laugh during vag caming.
I turn to the tech and I'm like so are you going to tell us what you are seeing. She initially says she's really not supposed to and then says well why did your OB want you to have this done? I explained that I had been on Clomid and she says well did she mention the possibility of multiples?
Holy shit was all I could think. The hubby had not been joking! There really were two. Two babies. She then explained it all to us. Baby A and Baby B both measuring at about 6 weeks. I should be 6 weeks 2 days today. She zoomed in on them, you could see the little flutter of a heart beat and then she let us hear the heart beats of each.
I am in total shock and sort of overwhelmed today.
I knew this was a risk but I thought I'd be in the 90-95% not the 5-10%.
I am excited and happy and nervous and scared.
One second I feel like this...
And the next I feel like this...
I'm just a ball of emotions right now. I think I need some time for it to sink in.
The hubby though... he is excited. Sent me a text later in the day today saying he kept thinking about the ultrasound picture, how inspiring it was.
And it truly is. Two little lives cooking in there.
What a wonderful, wonderful thing.
I look at my hubby. He grabs my hand and I'm like what is it? He holds up two fingers. I say no way. So he holds up four fingers and I start cracking up. I'm sure it's always appropriate to laugh during vag caming.
I turn to the tech and I'm like so are you going to tell us what you are seeing. She initially says she's really not supposed to and then says well why did your OB want you to have this done? I explained that I had been on Clomid and she says well did she mention the possibility of multiples?
Holy shit was all I could think. The hubby had not been joking! There really were two. Two babies. She then explained it all to us. Baby A and Baby B both measuring at about 6 weeks. I should be 6 weeks 2 days today. She zoomed in on them, you could see the little flutter of a heart beat and then she let us hear the heart beats of each.
I am in total shock and sort of overwhelmed today.
I knew this was a risk but I thought I'd be in the 90-95% not the 5-10%.
I am excited and happy and nervous and scared.
One second I feel like this...
And the next I feel like this...
I'm just a ball of emotions right now. I think I need some time for it to sink in.
The hubby though... he is excited. Sent me a text later in the day today saying he kept thinking about the ultrasound picture, how inspiring it was.
And it truly is. Two little lives cooking in there.
What a wonderful, wonderful thing.
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