I haven't posted in nearly a month... sorry for the radio silence. Allow me to explain...
I still find this whole being pregnant thing odd. To be one of the ones I was jealous of and sometimes bitter toward for so many months. It makes me nervous to post here how I'm feeling- good or bad. It makes me think I should never have a single negative thought or feeling about pregnancy which as much as I would love to be true is simply an impossibility. This is not to say that I am not thankful and appreciative and happy every single day. That goes without saying. It's just that there are moments when I feel sick or tired or huge and sometimes I feel immense guilt about not loving even 1% of this.
The hubby and I have 1 real life couple we have be come very close to over the past year who have also had difficulties conceiving. They are also both physicians and due to the aforementioned medical match system had to spend the last 3 years (until July) living in different cities several hours apart. After deciding they wanted to start trying to conceive, she did not have a menstrual cycle for many months even with meds to induce. We initially knew her husband much better than her but she's been here for 7-8 months now and she and I had talked some in the summer/fall about TTC and our frustrations ect. I had noticed in the fall that she wasn't having beers when we went out and brought it up to my hubby. Maybe they are pregnant too I had hoped but I never would have directly asked. Then a few weeks ago we were out bowling with them and I guess my hubby asked and sadly found out they had miscarried at 11 weeks (back in November). Our hearts were broken for them... my hubby who had had quite a few drinks at this point teared up and was really sad about it all night. Unfortunately, her miscarriage has been a drawn out and I'm sure a challenging/frustrating experience- she has undergone 2 D&Cs and Methotrexate... and after 3 months still has a detectable beta. I just want it to be over for them so they can move forward.
Finding this out has just made me think more and feel more self conscious about our pregnancy and good fortune. I know they are excited and happy for us and her husband told me repeatedly not to be afraid to talk about my pregnancy, that they love hearing about it and want to babysit for us in the future... but I don't want to be that person rubbing it in their face. I know how it feels to be the one in that position- so happy for your friend but so sad for yourself at the same time.
I want to find a balance in talking with them about our babies but it is hard. I am so happy and so excited and babies fill so many of my waking (and sleeping) thoughts.
I like to think that I am sensitive about the situation but I am not naïve enough to believe that I don't ever make mistakes or say things that may make them cringe.
It is strange... finding myself on the other side of the tracks.
Hi, just coming over to check out the blog. I think I can understand your ambivalence. It is hard to believe there can be a happy ending when you know all the sad endings so well. And it really sucks when good people have to deal with infertility and miscarriage and grief. I don't pretend to understand it, but I hope that it's possible to have compassion and understanding for ourselves and other when things go wrong, while still having energy and joy for the times when things go right.
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