8 weeks 2 days and feeling it...

The past week has been rough. Honestly I'm not 100% sure why.  I don't know if it's the pregnancy hormones finally kicking in or what.

The end of last week I started crying at basically anything semi-sentimental &/or sweet. On Saturday, I was reading about the San Francisco Batkid and cried.  Then I was watching College Game Day and there was a story about a kid who had retinoblastoma (cancer within the eye which typically requires removal of the eye) and had one eye removed around age 2 then the cancer recurred around age 10 & chemo was ineffective and he had to have his other eye removed leaving him blind, during this time he became good friends with the USC football team & he decided he was going to find a way to play football again which he did- he is now his high school's starting long snapper... so then I cried some more.  I think there was one more cry that morning but I can't recall the details.

Then I had to work on Sunday & I got my favorite Vietnamese pho with chicken & rice noodles on my way home from work. Finally got home to eat it at almost three o'clock, scarfed it down, before I could even finish had to make a beeline to the bathroom & tossed my entire lunch in the toilet. Then I cried some more.  My husband came back to the bathroom offering to do what he could to help & then saw my pathetic face & couldn't help but laugh at me.

I have to admit that in a twisted way the nausea & vomiting provide me with a little reassurance and I would take puking so hard I have little red petechiae all around my eyes over another negative pregnancy test any day.  I am not complaining (at least not trying to).  I am trying to savor every moment of this pregnancy knowing it may be both my first and my last.  

The hubs keeps joking that he is going to get snipped as soon as these little ones get here which is quite funny because he has told me since we met that he would get a vasectomy at 35 whether we had kids or not... which he just turned last week and therefore will be still when these kids are born thus making it not out of the realm of possibilities. He has always wanted 2 kids, doesn't want us to be outnumbered. I have always wanted 4- 2 boys & 2 girls (as if I would ever have control over this) primarily because I longed for a sister growing up with 2 brothers. I keep telling the hubby to just wait and see.  Let's get these ones grown & here safe with us before we start making any plans.

I need to get back to where I was the first couple weeks (before I knew there were 2)... I was much more calm & confident, maybe naively so but confident none the less. 

Ultimately at the end of each day, week ect, hard one or not I am so happy that things have been going well for us so far and that all signs point to two healthy babes on board.  Happy that we got through this infertility business with less intervention than I thought may be required.  

2 weeks from today is my next OB visit... doesn't seem so bad.

Beware... the crazy is coming out

I am trying very hard not to be nervous.  It is difficult.  I feel less pregnant today and so I start worrying.  I know that doesn't accomplish anything but waiting 2 more weeks for my next appointment and to hear the heart beats is going to be really hard. 

I will be 8 weeks on Sunday.  We heard the heart beats at 6 weeks 2 days so I should worry less... but that reassurance only lasts for so long. 

We switched OBs this week and I feel better about that.  My OB that I've been seeing for my yearly Gyn and this past 1.5 years for infertility delivers at a hospital that does not have a real NICU.  I was already worried about this before I was ever even pregnant- mostly because I am a pediatric neurologist and I see the worst of the worst in the NICUs.  I know this is such a small percentage and that most babies are born healthy and on time but it is hard not to think about the N of 1.

When I found out we have twins cooking in there... the worries jumped to a whole new level and I knew for my own sanity I just could not deliver at that hospital.  I called my OB who left me a message reassuring me they deliver twins there all the time who do well.  That is great, I am happy for those moms, I will not be one of them.  I told my former OB office that I know it is mostly the crazy pediatric neurologist in me but that for my own peace of mind I need to deliver at one of the two hospitals in the city that have a real NICU and well trained pediatric care (even in the middle of the night).

Most of my friends have delivered at one of these hospitals so I got some names at a particular practice and made the switch.  The doctor there had to approve my transfer, but they did, so all is good.  The person who scheduled my appointment said they may not do an ultrasound at this upcoming appointment (which my previous OB said they would definitely do) so I'm hoping I can weasel my way into one or that that person is just misinformed.  I told her I was having twins but that didn't seem to change her mind.  I just want to hear those heart beats again and see them again.

I have to hold it together for 2 more weeks and 4 more days... wish me luck.

Surprise! Holy shit!

We had our early ultrasound today.  It was crazy.  I was lying there vag cam in place and the tech just kept scanning back and forth and I'm thinking what are those 2 things? My ovaries?

I look at my hubby.  He grabs my hand and I'm like what is it?  He holds up two fingers.  I say no way.  So he holds up four fingers and I start cracking up.  I'm sure it's always appropriate to laugh during vag caming.

I turn to the tech and I'm like so are you going to tell us what you are seeing.  She initially says she's really not supposed to and then says well why did your OB want you to have this done? I explained that I had been on Clomid and she says well did she mention the possibility of multiples?

Holy shit was all I could think.  The hubby had not been joking! There really were two.  Two babies.  She then explained it all to us.  Baby A and Baby B both measuring at about 6 weeks.  I should be 6 weeks 2 days today.  She zoomed in on them, you could see the little flutter of a heart beat and then she let us hear the heart beats of each.

I am in total shock and sort of overwhelmed today. 

I knew this was a risk but I thought I'd be in the 90-95% not the 5-10%. 

I am excited and happy and nervous and scared.

One second I feel like this...




And the next I feel like this...




I'm just a ball of emotions right now.  I think I need some time for it to sink in.

The hubby though... he is excited.  Sent me a text later in the day today saying he kept thinking about the ultrasound picture, how inspiring it was.

And it truly is.  Two little lives cooking in there. 

What a wonderful, wonderful thing.

3 More Days Feels Long

Forgot to post this yesterday...

So my early ultrasound is Tuesday & it is starting to feel like it is so far away. I will be 6 weeks 2 days at that point.  I feel like this one is super important because if there's a heart beat & growth looks good then the risk of miscarriage goes down significantly.

I just want to be able to breathe a little easier.

The hubby asked me last night what I thought the worse could be at that ultrasound & I said arrested growth, no heart beat.  He was quiet & looked sad & said he thought the worse would be an ectopic.

I hadn't even really thought about that as a possibility.  It made me realize how much this infertility has effected him- more than I realized. It seems he has now become the worrier & is assuming the worse.  That is not him. So I am hopeful that Tuesday brings good news & eases our worries & we can start just being happy & excited about this pregnancy we have been blessed with.