A Christmas Miracle

I forgot my Thankful Thursday this week... maybe that's why I find myself more bitter than usual this weekend.  Or the fact that I was on call yesterday and didn't get much sleep... either way, god damn, every woman of child bearing age in Cincinnati is pregnant, except for me. 

I went to the grocery store today- bad plan at 5pm on a Sunday.  Near the end of my trip (which was only 20 minutes long) I regretted not having counted how many bulging bellies I saw, bellies who were pushing those car carts with another child inside or who were chasing after their other child who was screaming and running away because they didn't get a sample.  And for once I was that person who was highly annoyed by the children who were acting ridiculous. Because come on- five million bellies, screaming children and a crowded freaking grocery store, we all have our breaking points. 

Then I just made the mistake of going on facebook and discovering a colleague (who I am traveling & staying in a hotel room with in December) and another one of my high school friends are both pregnant.  Out of the group of 9 of us- 7 are married, 2 have children, and 2 are currently with child.  I am starting to think I will be the last married one to have a kid.  Luckily one of them right now does not want to have children (like ever)- so hopefully I can count on her to not change her mind or at least wait a couple years until science is able to knock me up.

It's just hard- there are so many things I feel that we are excluded from or not invited to because they are centered around kids.  Most of our friends now have children and it's not uncommon for things like "Well we're planning a trip to go to Hilton Head w/ these other couples but I don't know if you guys would be interested since you don't have kids."

For a million reasons today I am just grouchy.  No excuses I fess up to it.

Despite all this, an amazing thing happened tonight.  I went to my parents for dinner without the hubby.  He is on call today and thus was at the hospital.  Our schedules always line up so well.  I was kind of dreading it because my mom always makes incessant comments about when we are going to have children, when she can be our nanny ect ect.  Usually the hubby is there to say something fantastic like, "Maybe when your daughter stops swallowing."  Yes, he has said that out loud to my parents on more than one occasion. It shuts down the conversation pretty quick which is what he's after.  But tonight- my mother she did not say one thing.  I think this is the first time she has kept her mouth shut in probably >6 months.  It was a Christmas miracle.

I don't know what inspired it but I'll take it.

Two Years of This Fabulous Life

Today marks our two year anniversary.  

We have already had quite the ride so far in our 4.5 years of coupledom & 2 years of marriage.

I am thankful for my husband every damn day (even when I don't do the best job of showing it).  I have this theory that everyone is crazy in their own unique way & maybe, just maybe you get lucky enough to find someone who can deal with your particular variety of crazy and even (at least in some moments) be able to laugh at it and thus make you laugh through it.  We are not perfect but most days we handle each other's idiosyncrasies quite well.

He has gotten me through some incredibly difficult times- see the other elephant and even went to my pre-scheduled yearly gyno visit with me the day after my brother passed while I cried throughout and generally looked like a lunatic & wondered if other people in the waiting room thought he was a super overprotective or abusive fiancé.  But I find it is often the parts of him outside of our relationship that make me love him the most.  The fact that he has made an effort over the past 3.5 years to be a brother to my other brother- always bringing up calling him to invite him for dinner, at times hanging out with him while I am working, encouraging him & convincing him he will find his path one day when he feels a little lost.  The fact that I already know that he will be the most amazing father- I watch him with our best friend's 3 kids who adore him & know his name & remember him as toddlers long before they remember me & then with our nieces & nephews who he has a tradition of making dirt with and generally spoiling rotten.  

He is a good, good man.  

He gets me and I hope most days I get him.

This infertility journey at times has been hard on us and emotionally draining but at the end of the day I am so damn happy to have him by my side.

First the bad... Warning TMI

We just got back from our amazing trip last night. It was fabulous with 1 minor exception.

A few days before we were leaving I felt like I was developing a UTI.  Since we're actively trying to conceive I got a prescription for Macrobid which is the safest antibiotic treatment during pregnancy (category B).  This seemed to be doing the trick & I finished the meds a few days into our trip.

Then 2 days later while hiking in Yosemite I peed and developed the worst pain/feeling of urgency I have ever had.  Seriously it was awful.  We kept going because I knew there wasn't anything I could do about it- we were a 3 hr drive into the park (yes the park is huge).  

We hiked to this beautiful lake, Dog Lake...

...and hung out there with a duck for a bit.  

Then there was a path off the same trail to Lembert Dome.

This is not Lembert Dome but a view from there.

Then somehow- because the trail was poorly marked we followed signs to the dog lake parking lot where we had parked (we thought) only to realize near the bottom of the very steep trail that this was a different parking lot.  At this point I was on the verge of tears.  Of course I had left our map in the car.  I approached an older couple to ask if they had a map we could look at- they were not American (everyone at Yosemite had a much cooler accent & I'm sure had been on many more amazing travels than the hubby & I) and I don't think they undertook that we were lost but thankfully they let us take a peek at their map & figure out where we were & where we needed to go.

So we start walking down this road hoping we are going in the right direction. Luckily, there was a ranger station building with another bathroom right there which literally saved my life.  That is when I realized I was bleeding.  Day 1 was possibly coming soon but this was bright red blood.  I used to get UTIs not infrequently and I have never bled.  I sat in there praying out loud for God to help us make it back to the car because I was in so much pain.  

Thank God my hubby has a much better sense of direction then I do and we eventually made it back to our car and then our hotel.  I had brought an old prescription of Bactrim just in case so I took that and then proceeded to pass a large blood clot mixed with white (I know- TMI) which I think was likely a kidney stone.  Needless to say this sucked bad.  Bactrim is category C and not the best if you could be pregnant but at that point I didn't give a shit.  And today I give a shit even less because today day 1 has reared it's ugly head yet again.  But I am over it.  At least I am telling myself that I am.  I enjoyed myself this two week wait because I was on vacation having a wonderful time, not thinking about it, and not putting my life on hold for what ifs.

I am telling myself it's okay because now the earliest I could have a baby would be the very end of June (if I get pregnant next month- HA!).  Our work year runs July to June so I figure this way if we somehow manage to get pregnant in the next few months I will be able to tell them before next year's schedule is made and avoid fucking up anyone else's schedules.  Yea I know- sweet consolation prize.

Consolation prize #2- when we return to wine country in a few weeks I will be able to drink all the Spaan MoJo (our favorite wine from this week) my heart desires.

Does any one else do this?  Come up with reasons why it would be better next month?

Or I am the only one always trying to fool themselves?

Thankful Thursday... A day late

This week I am thankful for:

1. Time this week to get caught up on work & leave town with no stress hanging over my head.

2. Seeing some of my favorite patients in clinic this week who are doing fabulously.

3. Booking to attend a conference I'm really excited about in December.

To come:

1. A nice long vacation to Berkeley, Yosemite, & Sonoma.  So our yurt has no power because of the fire & we had to make last minute reservations today, it's still going to be fabulous.

2. First Ohio State game I get to attend in 2 years. Gooo Bucks!

3. Spending the end of the 2 week wait in wine country.

Yay vacation!!!

A lesson in patience... and biting my tongue

My sister-in-law just had her third child a week ago.  I swear she just looks at her husband and says I want another one and poof! she's pregnant or maybe she twinkles her nose like bewitched... that would be fitting.

The whole having 3 kids thing is forgivable. I might be working on my second right now if things had worked out.  What is not forgivable is her blatant ignorance.  The hubby & I went on vacation last January to Phoenix & San Diego  and visited them in the second portion of our trip.  First of all, my sister in law was 2 seconds pregnant at the time- like I wouldn't have even been telling people yet if I were her (6 or 8 weeksish) and literally complained 24/7 about her pregnancy.  Complained and talked about how horny she was- I am an open book but while I'm sleeping in the room next to you...TMI.  At that point we had been trying for about 9 months & it was starting to hit me hard.  One day when I walked out of the bathroom she was sitting there talking to my husband about how she couldn't understand how people had difficulty getting pregnant.  She said "It is so obvious when you are ovulating and you just have sex then."  I had to pick my jaw up off the floor as I thought "OHMYGOD! You just solved all the world's infertility problems! You are such a god damn genius!"

I honestly still do not understand how you can be that naive and oblivious.  Now she didn't know we were trying so that wasn't an intentional slap in the face or anything but come on.  Have you not ever had any friends who had difficulty conceiving?  I am several years younger than her & I have multiple friends who had difficulties or who have had miscarriages.  Even before this first hand experience I was not so daft as to think this was easy for everyone.  Maybe I thought & hoped that it would be for myself but I knew it was not that simple.  

For one, it is not that obvious for every woman when they are ovulating.  I consider myself I decently smart person- 20 years of education + 3 years of medical residency so far and I have no fucking clue when I ovulate.  Basal body temping & OPKs help but even with that it isn't always straightforward.

Second, just because I can count out the days of my cycle & figure out when I am likely ovulating or pee on sticks until I see that pink line does not mean that I have sex then and a baby arrives 9 months later. If only 1+1=2. 

To be fair, my sister in law doesn't have that many good girlfriends.  Probably because she offends people with words like those.  But I don't feel like that's an excuse for a lack of common sense.

Luckily this part of our family lives across the country which works out to seeing them 1-2x/year.  She talks about wanting to move back to Ohio to be closer to my mother/father-in-law and us.  I think if that ever becomes a real possibility then our talk of finally moving out of Ohio might have to become reality too.

Relieved

He decided. 

I am so relieved.

He is doing the fellowship for sure, 100%.

He told the program director at work that he was going to accept the position.  It's official now except for signing the actual contract.  It may or may not push back our infertility treatment plans if we need to go beyond IUI (if that's even what's recommended at our appt next month).  I am not worried about the money.  But he will be working a lot- more than he is now and the time may be an issue.  You know, time for those intimate meetings with the 80s pornography to collect those precious swimmers.  I am not going to worry or think about that now though.  I am putting my best effort forth to find peace in where we are and wherever this journey may take us.  We are already somewhere wonderful he and I, there can only be more to come. 

Thankful Thursday Part Deux

This week I am thankful for:

1. Being able to have the time & money to attend an amazing concert & Mumford & Sons choosing Ohio which made that a possibility.

2. Good friends who can relate.
 

3. A good call night last night during which I was only woken up by one page!

4. A 4 day work week again this week.

 

5. Starting to get an inkling of what I want to do with my life when I finally get to get a "real job" in 2 years.

To come:
1. A weekend free of any plans/obligations which means a Saturday filled with college football from 12p-12a.
 

2. 1 week until vacation to Berkeley, Yosemite, & Sonoma.

Hopefully it won't still be on fire!

A Weekend In Review...

We had a most fabulous four day weekend the hubs & I.  We left Friday for Troy Ohio which is just about an hour away for the Gentleman of the Road Stopover Tour.  It was a Friday night & all day Saturday concert & sort of street festival. It was awesome.  

Mustaches everywhere! And our feet :)

 Friday night the headliner was Edward Sharpe & the Magnetic Zeros- this was our second time seeing them and they are hands down one of the best live bands I have ever seen.  We saw them last year in Nashville at the Southern Ground Music & Food Festival for a little 1 year anniversary get-away.  Now that it is almost our 2 year anniversary it's becoming a tradition to celebrate another year of wedded bliss with a weekend away & live music.

We had a little bit of a rough start to our weekend on Thursday night when we went out with some of my hubby's coworkers & then stayed out for a few more beers after they had left since we were on a mini vacation. Unfortunately, I had had 3 or 4 beers when he told me that a couple of those friends were pregnant with their second and as hard as I tried I couldn't hold back the tears.  I blame it on the alcohol but maybe it's also just the sadness I sometimes can't suppress.  The thing is he is supportive 99% of the time but sometimes he just can't understand my sadness in these situations. Probably because it doesn't make much sense.  I know them having a baby has nothing to do with us.  I am happy for them, really I am.  But the unfairness of it still sometimes feels like a slap in the face.  I am an adult, I know life is not fair but I just can't let it go. And my hubby doesn't want infertility defining our lives which I completely agree with but that doesn't mean I don't have moments of sadness.

So I was thinking about it while Edward Sharpe was playing & this song was played:

"While I was feeling such a mess, I thought you'd leave me behind

While I was feeling so upset, I thought the sun never shine"

Sometimes I feel exactly that- that I am such a mess, that this is never going to get better.  I can see why that's hard for my husband to handle.  It must be hard to be expected to be the strong one all of the time, for him to be my fortress.  I know it effects him too- his sadness has poured out a few drunken nights but for the most part he keeps it inside.  I think men are just different that way.

"But you made me change my mind."



"Forever!

No matter what!

You've got my love to lean on darling.

That's what's up!"

That's the thing, I know he'd never leave me behind.  I know that I have his love to lean on  and hold me up in my moments of weakness and sadness and despair.  He has been such an amazing source of support.  So this is my new anthem.  I am going to work really hard to stay positive and focus on the overwhelming good we have in our lives.

This weekend was exactly what we needed. It reminded me of how insanely lucky I am once again.  It reminded me of the things we are able to do because we don't yet have kids.  There were a few babies there in baby bjorns, but toting a newborn around on my chest in 90 degree weather and rain with 27,000 of my closest friends is not exactly my idea of a good time.  And this weekend just us and music was definitely my idea of a good time.

Saturday night headliner was Mumford & Sons who followed many other bands including Old Crow Medicine Show who were fantastic as well.  The Mumford Encore was amazing. They sang this one acoustic:

Found on Youtube, not the best recording but it's from the Troy show

 
And this one acapella:

Also found on Youtube & from our show

 

 

We came home Sunday and to top the weekend off spent a wonderful evening with a friend of the hubs from work who I adore and his wife who I also love and have loved getting to know after she returned home after doing a fellowship out of town for the past 3 years.  They have also been trying to have children and have met some roadblocks.  It has been a blessing to have her to talk to and feel that I can be completely open with. 

 

 

Have I mentioned lately that I am a lucky, lucky girl?