Thankful Thursdays

Reflecting on the purpose of this blog this week, I realized part of my goal was to be more positive about this whole process and about life in general.  I have failed in this agenda.  I haven't really been focusing on all the amazing things happening on a daily and weekly basis in my life.  I have always been a positive, optimistic person and I feel that infertility is slowing stealing that from me and turning me into quite the pessimist. So... I am going to try to change that with Thankful Thursdays- a review of the goodness from the past week as well as the things I am looking forward too the coming weekend.

This week I am thankful for:
1. Visits with old friends who live out of town filled with girl talk and laughter.

2. Being able to hold my best friends baby (now 9 weeks old!) and even getting some smiles and laughs.

3. A 4 day work week

4. A 4 day weekend... holla!

5. Today marking the start of the college football season!  I love me some Ohio State football.


To come:
1. I can't wait for the Gentleman's Stopover Tour Concert this weekend!
I am hoping for a little bit of this action...

 

and a relaxing weekend away with the Hubs.

 



2. The first Ohio State football game this Saturday! Not the biggest game of the year- we are playing Buffalo but...GO BUCKS! Beat those Bulls!

 

3. Countdown to vacation... 2 weeks!!! :)

Clomid Makin Me Cray Cray

I finally googled Clomid side effects.  Despite being a doctor I don't know shit about Clomid.  I understand the basic idea- pump up those ovaries, induce ovulation (which I'm already doing on my own- thus my less than enthusiastic attitude about Clomid), but I think again because I'm a doctor, my OB just said we'll do Clomid and kind of left it at that. 

So last month went okay- despite the 1 day of cray cray and the whole lack of baby making thing,  I didn't really notice any other side effects.  I had some nausea at the end of the month that I thought meant I was pregnant. I was not.

This month is a different story.  I have been taking my Clomid in the am as I did last month.  I usually eat a granola bar on the way to work (I know a very healthy and filling breakfast) and then pop my pill right before I go in.  That way I have something in my stomach.  The 4 days so far I feel nauseous shortly after for a couple hours- basically until I eat again.  The problem is the person I'm working with this month is 7 months pregnant and goes for a late morning second breakfast which I certainly don't need but have been joining due to said nausea. 

I also think it's causing hot flashes.  Mild but I sweat like a banshee. I don't know, it could be hot flashes or it could be the fact that we have finally hit miserably hot summer in southern Ohio.  This summer has been unbelievably mild and this week has been the first week of consistent temps in the upper 80s/lower 90s.  Thank god fall is almost here.  I am ready- ready for Ohio State Football and sweatshirts and pumpkins and s'mores. 

S'mores were the best part of our rehearsal dinner.  The s'mores and the fact that it was barbeque in my parents backyard.  Ahhhh... has it really almost been 2 years.  2 years in 1 month.  I want to get married again, to my hubby of course, but I want to have the party and all those people and all that love in one room again. 

My hubby.  God I love him. 

I am one lucky girl. 

Hot, sweaty and nauseous.

But lucky.

Clomid Round 2

I don't like this new added bonus of having to call my OB to tell them that once again I am not pregnant.  It adds insult to injury on day 1.  But I don't have a choice if I want more drugs. As much as I think this Clomid is bullshit and isn't going to work it will help pass the time for the next 2 months until our appointment with the reproductive endocrinologist on October 21.  I filled out their packet.  I just have to get my records sent in & get the hubby to fill out his part.

My OB called in Clomid 50mg again. I assume since my 21 day progesterone was 16.5 there is no point in going higher?  I don't know.  It appears that I have been ovulating this whole time which is why I'm not putting too much stock into Clomid.  It just doesn't seem like the likely solution to our problem- whatever our problem is.

In other news, I need to get off Facebook.  Seriously need to get off Facebook.

We did have a good weekend though.  Got together with good friends and just hung out & had pizza. It was wonderful.  The hangover from too much wine was not wonderful.  C'est la vie.  Hopefully tonight I get to catch up with a good high school friend who is in town from Chicago. 

Cheers to another round! Here goes nothing!

Random Musings

In honor of another day 1 I've come to some conclusions:

1. They should offer a baby/kid free Facebook version for infertiles. With an opt in option for pictures of adorable children for the days when seeing them doesn't make you want to scream or cry or both.

2. Someone must invent wine that is good for morulas, that boosts fertility.

3. Infertility treatments should be affordable and involve less vag camera.

4. People should not be allowed to complain about their pregnancy (especially begging to go into labor 3 weeks early, with your 3rd! child) in a public place (ie facebook).

5. I should not drink a whole bottle of wine & several beers to drown my day 1 sorrows. This will result in a hangover.

6. You should get some sort of prize package on each day 1. Then maybe I'd feel more like- thank you may I have another.

7. I should get some more hobbies & friends. Friends without babies, friends who loathe babies even.

Well Isn't It Ironic

Don't you think...
A little too ironic... yea I really do think.

So I was 3 going on 4 days late today.  Last night my hubby and I had talked about it and I had asked him if he thought I should take a test.  He told me to wait until I was a week late since that would be the most accurate.  I told him I didn't think I could wait all the way until Tuesday and I had wanted to take a test tomorrow morning (now today).

This morning he wakes me up (he leaves for work before I'm even awake) and asks me "Are you going to take a pregnancy test?"  I reply "Do you think I should?" "Yea I think so" he says.  So I get out of bed, grab a little cup to pee in to stick the preg stick in, and head to the bathroom.

I am holding that cup in the toilet and trying to pee and something just doesn't feel right so I look down and that little cup is filling up with blood. 

I feel this sense of dread rush over me and just like that I'm not pregnant, the Clomid didn't work, that hope I had is washing away.

Oh the irony.

Or maybe it's not ironic, just like Alanis' song, maybe it just sucks.

I go back downstairs and tell my husband.  He holds me on his chest.  I tell him I'm sorry.  He asks why.  I tell him I'm sorry that I'm not pregnant.  I'm sorry that it can't be easy.  I just wanted the Clomid to work so that it could be easy, so that he would know now that he could do his fellowship, so that this nightmare would be over.  I ask him to promise me he'll do his fellowship.  He tells me he can't do that.  And he holds me and kisses me and tells me it's not my fault.  Then he asks if I want to skip the day of work, for us both to skip and go do something fun.  I tell him I just want to go back to bed.  Do I want him to come with me? Yes.  But I don't think we should skip work so he can't.

Now as I write this and I've been crying all morning I really wish I had taken him up on his offer.  Instead I'm leaving for work- a mess.

Could Be A Crackhead

Anyone remember this? An oldie but a goodie...

                                         Who Ever Seen a Leprechaun.. Say YEA!

The leprechaun or the "leprechaun" sighter could be a crackhead... and so could I- but don't worry not that kind of crackhead.  Someone on another infertility blog recently talked about pregnancy tests being addictive.  They are.  They are my crack.  I got better about not taking a test before my missed period (yes for months I was doing this), mostly because I decided I wasn't going to buy pregnancy tests and keep them in the house.  If I do it's like they're calling to be from the closet "Come! Take me! Don't you want to know!"

But as I explained this past weekend I caved and bought a 2 pack.  I thought- it is my first month of Clomid, I need to have some just in case.  Took a test on Saturday, day 25, negative.  Today is day 29... still no day 1 and technically now 2 days late. 

I have this pit in my stomach.  I can't decide if it's nausea or heartburn or worry over whether I am/am not pregnant. 

Is it too early to test again?

I am trying to wait until Friday.  I haven't always been exactly regular.  But the past few months I have consistently started my period on day 28.  I also for what it's worth have been having more symptoms prior to menses.  For the past 4-5 months I've had more cramping and pretty noticeable breast tenderness/soreness.  I don't know if this means I finally started ovulating 4-5 months ago after a year off birth control.  I have heard people say a month for every year you were on birth control until your ovulation/fertility is back to normal.  I have no idea if this is true.  If I didn't start ovulating until 4-5 months ago that would mean it took me basically 2 months for every month I was on birth control (I took if for 6.5-7 years).  I have no real way of knowing because when I had my first 21-day progesterone was the first month I felt that way and it was consistent with ovulation.  I did OPK for one cycle previously and thought it looked like I had ovulated but I still think those OPK tests are confusing.

My 21-day progesterone this month after Clomid was 16.5- definitely ovulated.

I really just want to go take a test but the thing is, I always do that and start bleeding immediately afterward.  I don't want to get my hopes up and I think you're supposed to wait about a week in between (for doubling of b-hcg?).

In other news, I got my intro packet from the fertility center today.  I haven't looked through it yet but it makes me have some confidence seeing how organized they are and knowing they will review all our previous testing prior to the appointment.

It's kind of funny sitting here thinking I may be pregnant and coming home to find that in the mail.  It makes me think- Why are you getting your hopes up? You've been down this road before. Don't fool yourself.  But then the hopeful side of me says but you took Clomid this month and you've been nauseous a few days and your breasts are more sore and maybe, just maybe you are pregnant.


Ahhh... I will avoid the crack. 

For now.



Or maybe I'll go take a test and read my intro packet while I wait on the results...

The Thing With Feathers

I started cramping today so I know day 1 is looming it's ugly head and waiting just around the corner.  Probably tomorrow.

But today, I am going to focus on the good that happened yesterday.

As I wrote in my post yesterday, it was a rough weekend.  This emotional rollercoaster of infertility ebbs and flows and this weekend was just a low moment.  I am trying to push the car back up the hill today, slowly. 

Yesterday after I wrote that post I started looking up other infertility blogs.  I have been trying to find someone who is still on the journey like I am, someone who hasn't been a lucky one yet.  The blogs I've found and enjoyed so far have all had a happy ending of one sort or another (through infertility treatments or adoption) which is encouraging but I also just want someone that I can feel I am commiserating with, someone who is feeling lost like I am.

I googled "unexplained infertility blog" and found this blog: Unexplained x2
She also had a happy ending but something struck me while I was reading through her blog.  If you click on the link you'll notice the background.  The hummingbird at the upper right corner.

Hummingbirds hold a significant place in my heart.  They (in real life, pictures of them, the word hummingbird) seem to come to me when I need reassurance.  They are messages from my brother that everything will be okay.

You see, the night he passed away my next door neighbor told us that as we sat in our dining room at the front of my parents home, she (at her house next door) saw a hummingbird a flight in the window, flittering back and forth, seeming to be watching us.  Now this was a cold, rainy miserable night in March in Ohio.  There typically aren't hummingbirds flittering about.  Then we looked through this book my brother had about animal spirits (he loved animals and nature, was a bit of a hippie).  The entry for hummingbird talked about it being a symbol for resurrection, coming to people for reassurance in times of sorrow. After that, they seemed to come to all of us at different times- my parents, my brother's best friend while rafting on the Colorado River (the guide told her he'd never seen a hummingbird before on the river), my husband and I in our new home.  Then there was a day I was missing him like crazy and in our lecture they talked about the "hummingbird sign" on MRI.

So yesterday, it just struck me, things are going to be okay.  One way or another, things are going to be okay.

I kept thinking of that phrase "Hope is the thing with feathers" from the poem by Emily Dickinson.

"Hope" is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul
And sings the tune without the words
And never stops at all

And sweetest in the gale is heard
And sore must be the storm
That could abash the little bird
That kept so many warm

I've heard it in the chilliest land
And on the strangest sea
Yet, never, in extremity
It asked a crumb of me

I've got the hummingbird, the thing with feathers, on my side.

And I'm gonna be just fine.

We're going to be fine.

Great actually.

Story of My Life

So I wake up Saturday morning still thinking I may be pregnant (although still only at day 25) and feeling guilty about the several glasses of wine I had the night before.

But not too guilty... the first few months we started trying I would avoid things you shouldn't eat/drink while pregnant (namely alcohol, sushi) the week or so before my lovely period (aka reminder of my infertility) came.  You know, because I was hoping I was pregnant and didn't want to damage my morula.  Then months passed, I decided those little cells could stand some beer or wine if I didn't yet know of their existence and I just couldn't handle purposely avoiding alcohol each month only to find out I wasn't pregnant... again.

This probably makes me sound like an alcoholic. 

I am not an alcoholic but I do enjoy a glass or wine or 2 or 3 on the weekends.  I have a busy, stressful life/career and a glass of wine does the body good.

So back to my guilt... we were planning on going out again Saturday night to meet friends at a Mexican place.  Which meant margaritas of course.  So I convinced myself I'll just take a pregnancy test to make myself feel better about having a jumbo margarita.

I went upstairs to get ready for dinner with pregnancy test in hand.  I didn't tell my husband I was taking it because he would think I'm crazy.  And I've gotten much better about not taking tests unless I'm actually late but this is my first month of Clomid and maybe I've been feeling just a little bit hopeful.

I take the test and muddle around the bathroom waiting the 3 minutes to read it.

Negative.

Jumbo margarita is mine.

But now I have to think about how the first month of Clomid likely failed while at dinner on Saturday night.  Fabulous planning on my part.

But it gets better.

I go back downstairs and my husband says "Your phone has been blowing up."  I look at my phone and start seeing "Congrats!" "I'm so happy for you guys!" text messages from multiple of my high school friends and scroll up through the twenty texts to find out which of my friends is pregnant this time.

Of course... the friend who got married 6 months after me.  Who just bought a house.  Who probably stopped birth control when they bought their house 3 months ago and got pregnant that month. 

Now I don't know any of these things.  And I am a bitch and a terrible friend.

But I know one thing- they haven't been trying for 18 months.

Why do they get to be pregnant and we don't?

Somewhere in me I swear I am happy for them but when I first read those words I am mostly sorry for myself and angry.

I just feel like I have a pretty wonderful life now but I have been dealt more than my fair share of hardships in the past.  Why does infertility have to be one of them?

So I tried unsuccessfully to drown my sorrows in my jumbo margarita and then decided something.  I really need to make some new girl friends- ones without children. 

I love my friends and am so blessed to have them but my two best girl friends in town have a 2 month old and a 3 year old.  And most of the couples we hang out with frequently have multiple children. Sometimes lately, I just need to escape that.  To not have to look at them and think of what I can't have.  I need some more girl friends to drink too many jumbo margaritas with and eat sushi and go out dancing and forget about babies and broken uteri.

Shout It From the Rooftop

I am day 24 of my first Clomid cycle today and I am scared.  I have been having 28 day cycles for the past few months so I hopefully only have a few more days to wait but it's a harder wait this month.  I don't know why (maybe it's the dismal statistics) but I think of Clomid as a "here's your last shot at something non-invasive and cheap, probably not gonna work but we'll give it a go considering the alternatives" treatment.  I read for unexplained infertility your rate of conception per month is 2% and Clomid increases this to 4%. YIPEE!!! Sounds like the miracle cure to me! So I have been trying not to be extra hopeful but it is hard not to be.

And I am back to my typical ways of thinking everything that happens to me is a sign that I could be pregnant.  I had nausea after dinner last night and it's still hanging around this morning. My first thought- could I be pregnant? These are the thoughts I try to push away because I know from past months they only bring more disappointment when day 1 comes.

The less than optimistic side of me called yesterday to make our first appointment with a reproductive endocrinologist.  First, I must confess that I HATE calling strangers/businesses ect.  I can talk on the phone all day to my best friends from high school who are scattered across the country, but something about calling to order food, make appts, talk to strangers of any sort gets me nervous.  I also had some guilt because my OB had recommended that I see Dr. H but Dr. A has an excellent reputation in this area and I have friends and friends of friends who have gone to him so I decided that I would rather see Dr. A.  So I call and the person answering the phone tells me kindly that Dr. A is leaving their practice and moving out of state tomorrow.  Tomorrow? Really? Okay, Dr. H it is.  The thing is my husband talked to friends of ours who went through IVF several years ago with Dr. A, they are both physicians as well and one of them worked with Dr. H as a med student and described him as "weird." Great- just what I need, weird people looking at my vajay.

Anyway, beggers can't be choosers I guess.  So I scheduled the appointment for October because that is when my husband and I are both on months where we can realistically make it to a doctor's appointment together. And that gives me the 2 more months of Clomid we are planning on right now if this month is unsuccessful.  I figure I can cancel if I'm in that lucky 4%.

The person I spoke to was very sweet and explained the process and how the appointment would go, told me they're mailing us a packet with medical information release forms for our records to be sent from my OB and for my husband's semen analysis. Yet somehow when I hung up the phone I felt this intense sadness, like making that phone call was admitting we failed, shouting out "WE ARE INFERTILE!"

But in reality- it has been 18 months, we have failed.

And it breaks my heart.