Still Cooking

Went to my OB today, peed on a stick again, and confirmed that yes there is in fact a sesame seed little one growing in there.  Still pregnant!  It's becoming more real by the day and the hubby and I are letting ourselves enjoy it a little more... talking about names and dreaming about nurseries.

She wants me to return next week when I'm 6 weeks for an early ultrasound- should be able to see the heart beating then, make sure he/she's in the right place, and make sure there's only one little one.  The chance for miscarriage drops from 20% to 5% after that point so I am holding my breath for 1 more week.  But mostly I am just happy and excited and so, so thankful. 

I think going through this process and contemplating all the things it may take to make this dream happen for us and meeting other people in this community through their blogs has really just made me so damn appreciative that this has happened for us.  I know that it is not easy for so many people and it wasn't an easy journey for us up to this point but I count my blessings every second that Clomid was all it took.  I know how lucky that is- so I am just trying to soak everything in.  I lived my days/months much more anxious/stressed struggling with infertility than I have so far in this 1 week of pregnancy (I know I still have a long way to go! but I count that a victory).  It is scary.  I know things could still go wrong.  But I have this sense of peace.  This sense that everything is going to work out. 

I am thinking of all of you that are trying and struggling all the time and hoping for you.

I can't promise that I will never complain during this pregnancy but I can promise that I will never take it for granted.  I will never forget what a blessing we have been given.

A poppy seed...

I was reading about what to expect in the first trimester.  Currently I have a poppy seed inside my uterus.  This doesn't sound too impressive but it is making quite the raucous.

Last night I woke up twice too pee. Well the first time was too pee and the second I thought was to pee but ended up just being this weird pulling feeling in the center of my lower abdomen, like someone kneading dough in there. 

My boobs are so painful and full.

It is crazy to me that all these symptoms are coming from something the size of a poppy seed. 

I will take it though.  The more symptoms I have the more this feels real. 

I am seeing my OB next Monday for the "confirm appt."

Can I admit that I already have planned out how I want to tell my family about our pregnancy?  My brother's name is Ben.  So I've had this idea to get Uncle Ben's Rice and put Congratulations over the Uncle Ben part and then keep with the food theme for my parents.  My mom has always wanted to be "Nana" (her grandmother went by Nana) and I found Nana cookies.  My dad is a little trickier but his dad was our favorite grandparent and went by Poppy so I was thinking about poppy seeds for him.  All with a little congratulations written over the name.

We are going to wait until around the 2nd trimester to tell anyone.  It just feels more safe.  That will be around Christmas which is a lucky coincidence.

My husband keeps telling me to have patience and not get overly excited.  I know he just doesn't want to see me get crushed.  But I just can't help thinking about some of these things- it is exciting.

It's Legit... 4 weeks but legit

This morning I took two more tests... just to be sure...

Kinda blurry... but 2 positives!

This is for real! Crazy! I am trying to contain my excitement because I know it is so early and I think the hubby and I are both cautiously optimistic, very cautiously.  I know there are a lot of things that could go wrong in the next 36 weeks but right now I am choosing to be positive and not worry.  All I have done for the past 19 months is stress and worry about this so I deserve some happiness with no worry.

I first called my OB and scheduled a "confirm the pregnancy appt" that she told me I should schedule should this ever occur.  This is probably a waste of time and money because they just have you pee on a stick in the office but I'll follow the rules.  I asked them if there was anything else I needed to do because I was on Clomid this month (thoughts of the risk of multiples in the back of my mind)- they said no.  I was kind of hoping to get a quantitative beta or very early ultrasound but no luck (for now at least).

I then called the RE's office and awkwardly explained, "I'm guessing this happens sometimes but I'm supposed to have a new visit appt w/ Dr. H this afternoon and I took a pregnancy test yesterday and I am pregnant.  I'm so sorry it's late notice, I'm a doc too so I know it sucks when people cancel the day of but I called as soon as the office opened to try to let you know."  Her response was so genuine and awesome.  She told me, "That's great! Don't worry people make these appointments when they're at their wits end and now you are pregnant!  Congratulations!  Call us if you need us in the future."

I looked up my dates on BabyCenter and think my due date will be somewhere near the end of June- June 29/30 (since my cycles vary a little).  This is actually amazingly good timing since our work year starts July 1st and our schedule is made through June right now so I shouldn't have to rearrange too much.

I am trying to be patient and not get overly excited but I can't help it a little.  We have been waiting for so long.  This just feels so unreal.

Utter Disbelief

This post was written last night (10/20)- I was just too scared to post.

For the past couple days I have been starving ALL THE TIME.

And my boobs have been sore, real sore.  Which has been happening every month but this month it has just not gone away.

I could have started my period as early as Saturday (day 28) but my cycles vary from 28-32 days.

Tomorrow (now today) is our RE appointment.

So on a whim and just a feeling I decided to take a hpt today.

And guess what?!

I have never seen 2 lines. Ever. And it showed up immediately as soon as I set the test down. I cried, ugly cried. I still don't really believe it.  I took it right before I had to leave for a 2 year old friend's birthday party followed by the walk.  I had no other tests in the house.

My hubby was on call (per usual for important moments).  I called him and asked if I could stop by to see him for a second on my way to the party.  I bought this knit buckeye helmet hat for a newborn from etsy nearly 2 years ago now... right before we started trying.  I wrapped the pregnancy test in tissue paper and put it at the bottom of a gift bag.  Then I wrapped up the hat and put it on top.

My hubby & I had gotten in a stupid argument last night so when I got to the hospital to meet him I told him that I saw something when I was shopping today for a bday present for my BFF that I just had to get him and thought it could make up for last night too.  We went up to his call room and he opened it and he's like "What? Why would you buy this?"  I tell him to keep looking and he's like "Is this your pee stick?" (before he even had the tissue paper open) "Are you pregnant? Seriously?"

It was such an awesome moment.  Both of us completely in disbelief.  He's like "Did you take more? Are you sure?" I told him I didn't have anymore but planned on getting more after the walk tonight.

I drank like 5 glasses of water at dinner after the walk and peed multiple times.

Retested when I got home- negative.  Googled incessantly false negative and false positive pregnancy tests.  I think it was probably negative due to how much water I drank.  My urine looked like it came out of the tap it was so clear.

I actually am not worried.  Something just feels different for once and I am just happy and disbelieving but not worried.  I am going to retest in the morning. 

And hopefully call the RE to cancel?

What are the odds? Find out you are pregnant <24 hours before your first RE appointment?

I am trying not to think this is too good to be true.



Haunting Me Even In My Sleep

So yesterday the hubby & I had a conversation that went something like this:
Me: Guess what?!
Hubby: BFF's pregnant again.
Me: No! Do you really think I'd tell you that with guess what?! (and in a happy tone)
Hubby: Yes.

I can't even remember what my real guess what was in that conversation at this point, but the BFF being pregnant with her second (which is not the case as far as I know) has haunted me since.

Last night I had this nightmare during which she told me she was pregnant again (with her 4 month old on her lap) and I had to fake happiness about it and then for an escape I went to the mall to shop and every single female I passed- 17 or 25 or 40 was pregnant and about to pop pregnant.  It was horrible.  I woke up in a sweat.

I don't have any idea why this is what I choose to worry about but apparently its the new thing to freak me out.  That all these friends of mine that currently have infants or are pregnant will have their second before I ever am lucky enough to have one... just one. 

Maybe all this worry is just my anxiety about the RE appointment Monday?

I don't know what I expect them to say.

I anticipate it to go like this:
RE: All your testing looks normal but obviously there is a problem.  We are just not sure what it is yet and we may never find out.  But- I would like to get an HSG and repeat blood work and repeat hubby's semen analysis after antibiotics for elevated white blood cell count.... and spend hundreds more dollars without accomplishing anything at all.
Me: Okay if you think that is best.  How likely do you think any of this testing is to find an answer?
RE: Not likely.
Me: When can we get started actually doing something?
RE: Well, since you are due to start your cycle any day we will probably miss this month and have to wait until next cycle (you know while you are on an inpatient rotation and working 60-70 hours a week).
Me: Sounds great! (AKA Ahh! Shoot me!)

Anyway, so I am just basking in excitement and anticipation for this appointment.
 
And... so happy that every fucking person I know is pregnant. 

Fuck this shit.

Three Weeks of Thankful Thursdays

So I have been a terrible blogger lately.  I've only written one post this month.  I don't feel that bad about it because it's primarily the result of me spending >2 of the past 4 weeks on vacation which has been fabulous.  Absolutely fabulous.  We traveled back to northern California this past week- Friday to Wednesday.  Spending the majority of the trip in San Francisco with a one day visit to Napa.  We ate plenty of good food and drank incredible wine and did amazing things with really good friends.  It was wonderful in every way.  But I need to give a full update and pics from both vacations so will give more details in a future post. 

Today I want to get back to remembering how awesome and full my life is- even without the baby I'm still lamenting.

This week I am thankful for:
1. A fulfilling and relaxing trip to San Francisco

2. Becoming much closer to one of my girl friends on this trip

3. For my husband who sometimes there are just no words for- He is a huge Pearl Jam fan and showed me this video last night (warning you will cry):

My husband cried too.  He lost his father when he was only 5 (he had a type of Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma) and showing me this was opening this window into his heart that he keeps hidden most of the time.  I think he'd also like to hear that his dad loved him and is proud of him.  I wish the technology to do that had been available back in the early 1980s.

4. Generosity of friends and colleagues that has astounded me.  This weekend my family and I are walking in the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention's Out of the Darkness Walk.  I posted a link to a registration and donation page on facebook primarily to encourage people to come walk with us.  Last year was the first time I participated and it was inspiring but at the same time really personally challenging.  Most of the time I can push my sadness about my brother to the background but this walk, while honoring him, also makes facing that unavoidable.  Much to my chagrin several friends are participating in the walk and friends, family, & co-workers have donated $280! So humbling.

5. Most days love, love, loving my job.

To Come This Weekend:
1. Hopefully a date night with the hubby tonight.

2. Catching up with the BFF and another high school girl friend at her engagement party.

3. The walk to honor my brother on Sunday. 

The Waiting Game

I haven't had much to say lately because I feel like we are just in this waiting phase.  I am on my third month of Clomid but that shit helps people who have trouble ovulating which has never been my issue so basically for me it just feels like something to do.

We are going to see the RE finally 2 weeks from today.  I am excited to hopefully get things rolling and get started with I'm guessing IUI maybe even next month.  I think he's going to want us to do some other testing first- I never got the HSG my OB recommended.  She agreed with me that I was low risk for having tubal problems and could try Clomid first.  Well that was a bust.  So hopefully I can get that scheduled at the end of this month but I'm guessing I will miss this next cycle either way and we will have to start at the end of November/beginning of December.

I have been wishing lately that he will look at our results and figure something out, have some clue why we are infertile.  I hate having unexplained infertility.  To me unexplained = we don't know how to fix it.  If you have trouble ovulating there are meds for that, if the hub's sperm had issues IUI or IVF may be more likely to have success.  But if it's just not working for no apparent reason then what's the likelihood any of these interventions are going to help.  It makes me worry- could something genetic be wrong (a germline mutation in my eggs) or something else with my eggs/my uterus/my body that we just can't see with current technology.  I don't think that my husband understands that without an explanation I will always feel like this is my fault.   It doesn't even matter who's fault it is- it's just that as a woman I feel like it is my responsibility to be able to have/carry children.

Getting started with some kind of treatment both excites me and terrifies me.  Supposedly my insurance covers IUI- whatever that means.  I haven't called to find out yet.  If that is unsuccessful then we have to really buckle down and start sacrificing if we want to be able to afford IVF.  Our friends offered to loan us money for IVF if needed when hubby told them he decided to do the fellowship.  This broke my heart- in a good way.  And then there is already the worry- what if IVF is unsuccessful.  I have no reason to think these things yet except for 18 months of disappointment so far, which does not leave you a glass half-full kind of girl.  My husband, wonderful as he is, has said that he is not sure if he would ever want to adopt.  I understand some of his fears, however being in a pediatric subspecialty, I see both successful adoptions and kids needing to be adopted every week.  It frightens me that his heart may never be open to this option because it leaves me with- then maybe we will never be successful at expanding our family.

I know it is too early to worry about all the things we may face in the next months and years but that is who I am. 

I am a worrier.

I can't shake it.

These are the things I lie awake at night pondering.