I haven't had much to say lately because I feel like we are just in this waiting phase. I am on my third month of Clomid but that shit helps people who have trouble ovulating which has never been my issue so basically for me it just feels like something to do.
We are going to see the RE finally 2 weeks from today. I am excited to hopefully get things rolling and get started with I'm guessing IUI maybe even next month. I think he's going to want us to do some other testing first- I never got the HSG my OB recommended. She agreed with me that I was low risk for having tubal problems and could try Clomid first. Well that was a bust. So hopefully I can get that scheduled at the end of this month but I'm guessing I will miss this next cycle either way and we will have to start at the end of November/beginning of December.
I have been wishing lately that he will look at our results and figure something out, have some clue why we are infertile. I hate having unexplained infertility. To me unexplained = we don't know how to fix it. If you have trouble ovulating there are meds for that, if the hub's sperm had issues IUI or IVF may be more likely to have success. But if it's just not working for no apparent reason then what's the likelihood any of these interventions are going to help. It makes me worry- could something genetic be wrong (a germline mutation in my eggs) or something else with my eggs/my uterus/my body that we just can't see with current technology. I don't think that my husband understands that without an explanation I will always feel like this is my fault. It doesn't even matter who's fault it is- it's just that as a woman I feel like it is my responsibility to be able to have/carry children.
Getting started with some kind of treatment both excites me and terrifies me. Supposedly my insurance covers IUI- whatever that means. I haven't called to find out yet. If that is unsuccessful then we have to really buckle down and start sacrificing if we want to be able to afford IVF. Our friends offered to loan us money for IVF if needed when hubby told them he decided to do the fellowship. This broke my heart- in a good way. And then there is already the worry- what if IVF is unsuccessful. I have no reason to think these things yet except for 18 months of disappointment so far, which does not leave you a glass half-full kind of girl. My husband, wonderful as he is, has said that he is not sure if he would ever want to adopt. I understand some of his fears, however being in a pediatric subspecialty, I see both successful adoptions and kids needing to be adopted every week. It frightens me that his heart may never be open to this option because it leaves me with- then maybe we will never be successful at expanding our family.
I know it is too early to worry about all the things we may face in the next months and years but that is who I am.
I am a worrier.
I can't shake it.
These are the things I lie awake at night pondering.
Hi, Thanks for stopping by my blog and thanks for your comments. Still have no idea one way or the other how to tell my parents and still am not completely sure if I will. Of course some of my motivation is that if we don't conceive, we can make them feel guilty for the years they pressuring me -emotional blackmail works both ways! It's funny that after every thing we've been through with regard to infertility, I want to come out to everyone, random strangers -inform them so they don't tell couples TTC that they need to "relax", but I feel the need to keep my parents in the dark. Perhaps protecting them from the truth in a way.
ReplyDeleteBTW you saw a patient with a BMI of 72! Wow that must be a record!