I am having some brown spotting today. I have never had this before.
It is really freaking me out.
It's been a small amount so far & no cramping or pain but I am scared. Really scared. I am 14 weeks today. And we told the whole world this past week about these two little loves. I don't know what I'd do if something happened.
I called my doc's urgent line & she told me that if its been a small amt & no cramping or pain to just take it easy today but call back if there is more bleeding or something changes. I have an appt Tuesday and she said if it is just the tiniest amount of spotting to just keep that appointment but if any more than that I need to call her back.
It doesn't seem to be getting more but just persistent & not stopping. I think I am going to go shower & call her again. I don't think I can make it through the rest of the day like this & then 2 more days. I am really really afraid. I love these guys so much.
Please just let nothing be wrong.
Sunday, December 29, 2013
Saturday, December 28, 2013
A Late Merry Christmas To You
I just wanted to say a late very Merry Christmas to you all! And early Happy New Year!
The hubby & I's Christmas lived up to all our best wishes. It was the best Christmas yet. Although I'm sure each year to come will only get sweeter.
The great reveal:
I found a loose sweater to wear Christmas Eve that hid the baby bump pretty well. I also (really for the first time) fake drank- aka filled the hubby's empty beer bottle with water & sipped on it throughout the night. I really wanted to throw my folks off the scent. I think it worked because they were shocked! On Christmas morning we gave my brother and each of my parents their gifts. They included their actual gifts but also for my brother 2 boxes of Uncle Bens Rice & 2 plastic serving spoons, for my mom 2 Nana cookies & an assortment of pairs of other Christmas themed treats (little M&M men ect.), and for my dad 2 bottles of Old Grandad Bourbon & holiday drinking glasses. My brother figured it out as soon as my dad opened his gift and eyed me with a sly grin. My parents were a little slower- I asked my mom the brand of her cookies but she still didn't get it. Then as she was holding the final gift- a wrapped frame with 2 ultrasound photos- one of each bebe, she yells out, "Are you pregnant?! With twins?" I don't think she really heard us say yes because as she pulled out the frame she was still saying, "Is this for real?" We got a video of this moment (on my new fancy Christmas camera- thank you hubby) & it is one I will treasure.
We left after breakfast to drive to my in-laws. The hubby did not want any fun puzzle for them to try to figure out so we had wrapped up another 2 ultrasound photo frame for them. They were also very happy for us & excited. These will be grandchildren 8 & 9 for them but the first living in the same state & within driving not flying distance. So I think they are looking forward to being around to watch them grow. We face timed with his 2 out of town brothers who did not yet know the news. We then got to slowly tell the Hubby's grandma & aunts, uncles, cousins ect over the next few days which was fun.
It was funny how similar people's reactions were, "You're pregnant- congratulations! Twins... Ohhh..." It also got old quick that everyone's first question was "Do twins run in your family?" First, this is a stupid question b/c identical twins are a random event & even fraternal twins don't have a high genetic component & second, does no one realize this is probably more likely related to infertility treatments & therfore might be an awkward question to ask? Apparently the answer to that question is a resounding no. Most people I told the truth- a brief we had a hard time conceiving & were on Clomid which increases your risk of twins. Some I just said no. It was kind of refreshing to tell so many people (with no degree of detail) that we had struggled & also to have multiple people share their own stories of difficulties, multiple miscarriages ect. It felt good putting the subject out there & normalizing it in a way.
All in all this was one helluva Christmas. We feel very blessed.
I hope that you all were able to enjoy (or at least survive) the holidays and that the new year brings peace & hope.
The hubby & I's Christmas lived up to all our best wishes. It was the best Christmas yet. Although I'm sure each year to come will only get sweeter.
The great reveal:
I found a loose sweater to wear Christmas Eve that hid the baby bump pretty well. I also (really for the first time) fake drank- aka filled the hubby's empty beer bottle with water & sipped on it throughout the night. I really wanted to throw my folks off the scent. I think it worked because they were shocked! On Christmas morning we gave my brother and each of my parents their gifts. They included their actual gifts but also for my brother 2 boxes of Uncle Bens Rice & 2 plastic serving spoons, for my mom 2 Nana cookies & an assortment of pairs of other Christmas themed treats (little M&M men ect.), and for my dad 2 bottles of Old Grandad Bourbon & holiday drinking glasses. My brother figured it out as soon as my dad opened his gift and eyed me with a sly grin. My parents were a little slower- I asked my mom the brand of her cookies but she still didn't get it. Then as she was holding the final gift- a wrapped frame with 2 ultrasound photos- one of each bebe, she yells out, "Are you pregnant?! With twins?" I don't think she really heard us say yes because as she pulled out the frame she was still saying, "Is this for real?" We got a video of this moment (on my new fancy Christmas camera- thank you hubby) & it is one I will treasure.
We left after breakfast to drive to my in-laws. The hubby did not want any fun puzzle for them to try to figure out so we had wrapped up another 2 ultrasound photo frame for them. They were also very happy for us & excited. These will be grandchildren 8 & 9 for them but the first living in the same state & within driving not flying distance. So I think they are looking forward to being around to watch them grow. We face timed with his 2 out of town brothers who did not yet know the news. We then got to slowly tell the Hubby's grandma & aunts, uncles, cousins ect over the next few days which was fun.
It was funny how similar people's reactions were, "You're pregnant- congratulations! Twins... Ohhh..." It also got old quick that everyone's first question was "Do twins run in your family?" First, this is a stupid question b/c identical twins are a random event & even fraternal twins don't have a high genetic component & second, does no one realize this is probably more likely related to infertility treatments & therfore might be an awkward question to ask? Apparently the answer to that question is a resounding no. Most people I told the truth- a brief we had a hard time conceiving & were on Clomid which increases your risk of twins. Some I just said no. It was kind of refreshing to tell so many people (with no degree of detail) that we had struggled & also to have multiple people share their own stories of difficulties, multiple miscarriages ect. It felt good putting the subject out there & normalizing it in a way.
All in all this was one helluva Christmas. We feel very blessed.
I hope that you all were able to enjoy (or at least survive) the holidays and that the new year brings peace & hope.
Saturday, December 21, 2013
12 Week Ultrasound & 2nd Trimester Bound
This week was an excellent week on the pregnancy front. I have been hesitant to update about my good news because of all the bad news that seems to be going around here the past couple weeks. It just isn't fair (a lesson I know I should have learned in kindergarten but still irks me to this day).
On Monday, we had our ultrasound "to confirm dates?" which I was pretty damn confident of but I will never turn down an ultrasound. My hubby was actually able to get off work which was awesome. I had felt bad that he would be missing out on seeing them as real babies for the first long look after our sneak preview at my 10 week appt.
They are still in there growing big and strong. So much crazier than the two little dots they were 6 weeks ago. They were measuring 12 weeks 2 days and I was 12 weeks 1 day so basically right on target. As I've mentioned before I have essentially no experience in my medical life looking at ultrasounds except for head ultrasounds of newborns. I do have some experience looks at 20-24 week fetal MRIs (often done when there is a concern noted on the 20 week ultrasound). I made some comments to the tech about their hands and feet because oh my god... they are just so tiny but fully formed 5 fingers/5 toes hands and feet... takes your breath away. Then I said to hubby that their brains looked good. Cue the tech looking at me cross-eyed, I explained that I'm a pediatric neurologist and she laughed and said yes everything looks good.
We didn't get to hear their heart beats this time but she zoomed in on the hearts again to measure and Baby A was 159 bpm and Baby B was 162 bpm.
All in all they looked pretty perfect to me.
We are telling both of our families on Christmas day and I am getting so incredibly excited for their reactions. My belly has really popped this week. I need maternity pants ASAP. I also need to find something to wear today to go shopping with my mom and for the remainder of this week with family until the Christmas reveal to hide this blossoming bump.
Tomorrow I will be 13 weeks. On the eve of the 2nd trimester I am so incredibly thankful for the journey we've had so far and that these two kiddos have decided to stick around (hopefully for the long haul). It is cheesy but the husband and I really could not have asked for anything more for Christmas this year. We are so happy and grateful.
On Monday, we had our ultrasound "to confirm dates?" which I was pretty damn confident of but I will never turn down an ultrasound. My hubby was actually able to get off work which was awesome. I had felt bad that he would be missing out on seeing them as real babies for the first long look after our sneak preview at my 10 week appt.
They are still in there growing big and strong. So much crazier than the two little dots they were 6 weeks ago. They were measuring 12 weeks 2 days and I was 12 weeks 1 day so basically right on target. As I've mentioned before I have essentially no experience in my medical life looking at ultrasounds except for head ultrasounds of newborns. I do have some experience looks at 20-24 week fetal MRIs (often done when there is a concern noted on the 20 week ultrasound). I made some comments to the tech about their hands and feet because oh my god... they are just so tiny but fully formed 5 fingers/5 toes hands and feet... takes your breath away. Then I said to hubby that their brains looked good. Cue the tech looking at me cross-eyed, I explained that I'm a pediatric neurologist and she laughed and said yes everything looks good.
We didn't get to hear their heart beats this time but she zoomed in on the hearts again to measure and Baby A was 159 bpm and Baby B was 162 bpm.
All in all they looked pretty perfect to me.
We are telling both of our families on Christmas day and I am getting so incredibly excited for their reactions. My belly has really popped this week. I need maternity pants ASAP. I also need to find something to wear today to go shopping with my mom and for the remainder of this week with family until the Christmas reveal to hide this blossoming bump.
Tomorrow I will be 13 weeks. On the eve of the 2nd trimester I am so incredibly thankful for the journey we've had so far and that these two kiddos have decided to stick around (hopefully for the long haul). It is cheesy but the husband and I really could not have asked for anything more for Christmas this year. We are so happy and grateful.
Tuesday, December 3, 2013
Relief...
is two little babies squirming around like crazy in there... moving their little tiny arms and legs to say hello.
Ahhh where do I begin... today was the big "first" prenatal appointment at 10 weeks 2 days. We also met our new OB. I am in love... with our babies and with my new OB. Today was just wonderful in words I will never be able to express.
First a few random moments... I get on the scale and it reads 101. The nurse starts to write it down and tell me to step off and I'm like "Uhh unless I've lost 30 lbs during this pregnancy that is not right." Literally after 5 minutes of trying to zero and re-zero it and weighing me 25 times... first 24 of which were 95-100 lbs (my 8th grade, pre-puberty, 4'11" weight) and finally a correct number. I have gained 5 lbs already... kinda freaked me out but I'm gonna chalk it up to twins and just rejoice in today.
My new OB amazing woman that she is then had the nurse switch us in to the ultrasound room and immediately won me over. She took my history and asked us about our family history ect. and laughed at my worries (in a good way), reassured me and told me what I really need to hear- "You need to be a patient now, not a doctor." True dat. Then she started talking a little bit about twins and said well I'm getting ahead of myself let's take a peak at them, confirm it's still twins (no vanishing twin)... and then magic happened and there they were looking all big and like actual babies instead of just amniotic sacs with a little tiny dot like last time. One of them was kicking the other one in the head- I'm sure this is just the first of many fights I will witness.
We talked some more about my fears and she told me as long as Baby A is head down I can try for a vaginal delivery. She talked about the risk for prematurity and having a back-up plan for work in case I have to go on bed rest or deliver early especially given my job. I told her my initial goal is 32 weeks... I want a "feeder grower" as we call them in the NICU- basically good brain, good lungs just needing time to figure that whole eating thing out... that I can handle. After that my real goal is to make it to 37 weeks- term... that would be fabulous.
She joked with us and told me that really we should just feel so happy and blessed and that most twins are just fine. Then said, you will love them more than you thought possible and started to tear up. I teared up too. She is right... we already do.
Ahhh where do I begin... today was the big "first" prenatal appointment at 10 weeks 2 days. We also met our new OB. I am in love... with our babies and with my new OB. Today was just wonderful in words I will never be able to express.
First a few random moments... I get on the scale and it reads 101. The nurse starts to write it down and tell me to step off and I'm like "Uhh unless I've lost 30 lbs during this pregnancy that is not right." Literally after 5 minutes of trying to zero and re-zero it and weighing me 25 times... first 24 of which were 95-100 lbs (my 8th grade, pre-puberty, 4'11" weight) and finally a correct number. I have gained 5 lbs already... kinda freaked me out but I'm gonna chalk it up to twins and just rejoice in today.
My new OB amazing woman that she is then had the nurse switch us in to the ultrasound room and immediately won me over. She took my history and asked us about our family history ect. and laughed at my worries (in a good way), reassured me and told me what I really need to hear- "You need to be a patient now, not a doctor." True dat. Then she started talking a little bit about twins and said well I'm getting ahead of myself let's take a peak at them, confirm it's still twins (no vanishing twin)... and then magic happened and there they were looking all big and like actual babies instead of just amniotic sacs with a little tiny dot like last time. One of them was kicking the other one in the head- I'm sure this is just the first of many fights I will witness.
We talked some more about my fears and she told me as long as Baby A is head down I can try for a vaginal delivery. She talked about the risk for prematurity and having a back-up plan for work in case I have to go on bed rest or deliver early especially given my job. I told her my initial goal is 32 weeks... I want a "feeder grower" as we call them in the NICU- basically good brain, good lungs just needing time to figure that whole eating thing out... that I can handle. After that my real goal is to make it to 37 weeks- term... that would be fabulous.
She joked with us and told me that really we should just feel so happy and blessed and that most twins are just fine. Then said, you will love them more than you thought possible and started to tear up. I teared up too. She is right... we already do.
Monday, December 2, 2013
20... 20... 24 hours to go...
Tomorrow at this time I will be sitting in my new OB's office for my "first" prenatal appointment. Why is it that the closer the appointment gets the more impatient I become?
Tomorrow I will be 10 weeks & 2 days. Our last update/confirmation on the health & wellbeing of these little munchkins was at 6 weeks 2 days when we found out about baby #2 and heard their beautiful heart beats on the ultrasound. 4 weeks has been a long wait. I am ready. And scared.
I also am hoping, hoping for an ultrasound. My old OB said because it was twins she would definitely get an ultrasound at my next appointment. The nurse at my new office said that probably wouldn't be necessary. It might not be but I would love to see them again.
I have continued to have symptoms so I have assumed they are still in there growing bigger and stronger every day. Some days I have more than others, so on those other days I tend to get worried. Pretty much every night though I have crazy, crazy dreams- extremely vivid sex dreams (which I could probably count on 1 hand how many I've had prior to being pregnant) and then just bizarro dreams that are often scary and wake me up from sleep.
In other news, I am convinced I have a tiny, tiny baby bump. My husband tells me it's just my baseline "beer" gut- thanks husband, you are so sweet. But I think it is more. I went shopping on black Friday to get some sweaters/shirts that would hide this until I am ready to spill the beans. I have decided if all goes well tomorrow I am going to tell my boss hopefully Wednesday or sometime this week before I go out of town for a conference on Thursday night. I have to make some schedule changes and while I hate telling work before my folks and in-laws I am really set on telling them on Christmas and I feel like I should give my work as much notice as possible.
We went to get our Christmas tree yesterday and went to a tree farm and got to cut it down ourselves. We got an 11 foot tree! Spent all day yesterday decorating our tree and living room. I still have to finish the rest of the house but I am getting so excited. Just over 3 weeks until Christmas, I have always loved Christmas but this year I am especially excited! Two of our tree light strands burnt out so I ran to Target last night for more and got 2 more stockings for these little ones... I know they aren't here yet but I couldn't help it.
Everything just has to go well tomorrow because I keep picturing in my head taking down one or both of those stockings and just absolutely losing it. We are so invested in them already that I can't imagine our life without them.
I have made it 4 weeks... 24 hours shouldn't be so bad right?
Tomorrow I will be 10 weeks & 2 days. Our last update/confirmation on the health & wellbeing of these little munchkins was at 6 weeks 2 days when we found out about baby #2 and heard their beautiful heart beats on the ultrasound. 4 weeks has been a long wait. I am ready. And scared.
I also am hoping, hoping for an ultrasound. My old OB said because it was twins she would definitely get an ultrasound at my next appointment. The nurse at my new office said that probably wouldn't be necessary. It might not be but I would love to see them again.
I have continued to have symptoms so I have assumed they are still in there growing bigger and stronger every day. Some days I have more than others, so on those other days I tend to get worried. Pretty much every night though I have crazy, crazy dreams- extremely vivid sex dreams (which I could probably count on 1 hand how many I've had prior to being pregnant) and then just bizarro dreams that are often scary and wake me up from sleep.
In other news, I am convinced I have a tiny, tiny baby bump. My husband tells me it's just my baseline "beer" gut- thanks husband, you are so sweet. But I think it is more. I went shopping on black Friday to get some sweaters/shirts that would hide this until I am ready to spill the beans. I have decided if all goes well tomorrow I am going to tell my boss hopefully Wednesday or sometime this week before I go out of town for a conference on Thursday night. I have to make some schedule changes and while I hate telling work before my folks and in-laws I am really set on telling them on Christmas and I feel like I should give my work as much notice as possible.
We went to get our Christmas tree yesterday and went to a tree farm and got to cut it down ourselves. We got an 11 foot tree! Spent all day yesterday decorating our tree and living room. I still have to finish the rest of the house but I am getting so excited. Just over 3 weeks until Christmas, I have always loved Christmas but this year I am especially excited! Two of our tree light strands burnt out so I ran to Target last night for more and got 2 more stockings for these little ones... I know they aren't here yet but I couldn't help it.
Everything just has to go well tomorrow because I keep picturing in my head taking down one or both of those stockings and just absolutely losing it. We are so invested in them already that I can't imagine our life without them.
I have made it 4 weeks... 24 hours shouldn't be so bad right?
Tuesday, November 19, 2013
8 weeks 2 days and feeling it...
The past week has been rough. Honestly I'm not 100% sure why. I don't know if it's the pregnancy hormones finally kicking in or what.
The end of last week I started crying at basically anything semi-sentimental &/or sweet. On Saturday, I was reading about the San Francisco Batkid and cried. Then I was watching College Game Day and there was a story about a kid who had retinoblastoma (cancer within the eye which typically requires removal of the eye) and had one eye removed around age 2 then the cancer recurred around age 10 & chemo was ineffective and he had to have his other eye removed leaving him blind, during this time he became good friends with the USC football team & he decided he was going to find a way to play football again which he did- he is now his high school's starting long snapper... so then I cried some more. I think there was one more cry that morning but I can't recall the details.
Then I had to work on Sunday & I got my favorite Vietnamese pho with chicken & rice noodles on my way home from work. Finally got home to eat it at almost three o'clock, scarfed it down, before I could even finish had to make a beeline to the bathroom & tossed my entire lunch in the toilet. Then I cried some more. My husband came back to the bathroom offering to do what he could to help & then saw my pathetic face & couldn't help but laugh at me.
I have to admit that in a twisted way the nausea & vomiting provide me with a little reassurance and I would take puking so hard I have little red petechiae all around my eyes over another negative pregnancy test any day. I am not complaining (at least not trying to). I am trying to savor every moment of this pregnancy knowing it may be both my first and my last.
The hubs keeps joking that he is going to get snipped as soon as these little ones get here which is quite funny because he has told me since we met that he would get a vasectomy at 35 whether we had kids or not... which he just turned last week and therefore will be still when these kids are born thus making it not out of the realm of possibilities. He has always wanted 2 kids, doesn't want us to be outnumbered. I have always wanted 4- 2 boys & 2 girls (as if I would ever have control over this) primarily because I longed for a sister growing up with 2 brothers. I keep telling the hubby to just wait and see. Let's get these ones grown & here safe with us before we start making any plans.
I need to get back to where I was the first couple weeks (before I knew there were 2)... I was much more calm & confident, maybe naively so but confident none the less.
Ultimately at the end of each day, week ect, hard one or not I am so happy that things have been going well for us so far and that all signs point to two healthy babes on board. Happy that we got through this infertility business with less intervention than I thought may be required.
2 weeks from today is my next OB visit... doesn't seem so bad.
The end of last week I started crying at basically anything semi-sentimental &/or sweet. On Saturday, I was reading about the San Francisco Batkid and cried. Then I was watching College Game Day and there was a story about a kid who had retinoblastoma (cancer within the eye which typically requires removal of the eye) and had one eye removed around age 2 then the cancer recurred around age 10 & chemo was ineffective and he had to have his other eye removed leaving him blind, during this time he became good friends with the USC football team & he decided he was going to find a way to play football again which he did- he is now his high school's starting long snapper... so then I cried some more. I think there was one more cry that morning but I can't recall the details.
Then I had to work on Sunday & I got my favorite Vietnamese pho with chicken & rice noodles on my way home from work. Finally got home to eat it at almost three o'clock, scarfed it down, before I could even finish had to make a beeline to the bathroom & tossed my entire lunch in the toilet. Then I cried some more. My husband came back to the bathroom offering to do what he could to help & then saw my pathetic face & couldn't help but laugh at me.
I have to admit that in a twisted way the nausea & vomiting provide me with a little reassurance and I would take puking so hard I have little red petechiae all around my eyes over another negative pregnancy test any day. I am not complaining (at least not trying to). I am trying to savor every moment of this pregnancy knowing it may be both my first and my last.
The hubs keeps joking that he is going to get snipped as soon as these little ones get here which is quite funny because he has told me since we met that he would get a vasectomy at 35 whether we had kids or not... which he just turned last week and therefore will be still when these kids are born thus making it not out of the realm of possibilities. He has always wanted 2 kids, doesn't want us to be outnumbered. I have always wanted 4- 2 boys & 2 girls (as if I would ever have control over this) primarily because I longed for a sister growing up with 2 brothers. I keep telling the hubby to just wait and see. Let's get these ones grown & here safe with us before we start making any plans.
I need to get back to where I was the first couple weeks (before I knew there were 2)... I was much more calm & confident, maybe naively so but confident none the less.
Ultimately at the end of each day, week ect, hard one or not I am so happy that things have been going well for us so far and that all signs point to two healthy babes on board. Happy that we got through this infertility business with less intervention than I thought may be required.
2 weeks from today is my next OB visit... doesn't seem so bad.
Friday, November 15, 2013
Beware... the crazy is coming out
I am trying very hard not to be nervous. It is difficult. I feel less pregnant today and so I start worrying. I know that doesn't accomplish anything but waiting 2 more weeks for my next appointment and to hear the heart beats is going to be really hard.
I will be 8 weeks on Sunday. We heard the heart beats at 6 weeks 2 days so I should worry less... but that reassurance only lasts for so long.
We switched OBs this week and I feel better about that. My OB that I've been seeing for my yearly Gyn and this past 1.5 years for infertility delivers at a hospital that does not have a real NICU. I was already worried about this before I was ever even pregnant- mostly because I am a pediatric neurologist and I see the worst of the worst in the NICUs. I know this is such a small percentage and that most babies are born healthy and on time but it is hard not to think about the N of 1.
When I found out we have twins cooking in there... the worries jumped to a whole new level and I knew for my own sanity I just could not deliver at that hospital. I called my OB who left me a message reassuring me they deliver twins there all the time who do well. That is great, I am happy for those moms, I will not be one of them. I told my former OB office that I know it is mostly the crazy pediatric neurologist in me but that for my own peace of mind I need to deliver at one of the two hospitals in the city that have a real NICU and well trained pediatric care (even in the middle of the night).
Most of my friends have delivered at one of these hospitals so I got some names at a particular practice and made the switch. The doctor there had to approve my transfer, but they did, so all is good. The person who scheduled my appointment said they may not do an ultrasound at this upcoming appointment (which my previous OB said they would definitely do) so I'm hoping I can weasel my way into one or that that person is just misinformed. I told her I was having twins but that didn't seem to change her mind. I just want to hear those heart beats again and see them again.
I have to hold it together for 2 more weeks and 4 more days... wish me luck.
I will be 8 weeks on Sunday. We heard the heart beats at 6 weeks 2 days so I should worry less... but that reassurance only lasts for so long.
We switched OBs this week and I feel better about that. My OB that I've been seeing for my yearly Gyn and this past 1.5 years for infertility delivers at a hospital that does not have a real NICU. I was already worried about this before I was ever even pregnant- mostly because I am a pediatric neurologist and I see the worst of the worst in the NICUs. I know this is such a small percentage and that most babies are born healthy and on time but it is hard not to think about the N of 1.
When I found out we have twins cooking in there... the worries jumped to a whole new level and I knew for my own sanity I just could not deliver at that hospital. I called my OB who left me a message reassuring me they deliver twins there all the time who do well. That is great, I am happy for those moms, I will not be one of them. I told my former OB office that I know it is mostly the crazy pediatric neurologist in me but that for my own peace of mind I need to deliver at one of the two hospitals in the city that have a real NICU and well trained pediatric care (even in the middle of the night).
Most of my friends have delivered at one of these hospitals so I got some names at a particular practice and made the switch. The doctor there had to approve my transfer, but they did, so all is good. The person who scheduled my appointment said they may not do an ultrasound at this upcoming appointment (which my previous OB said they would definitely do) so I'm hoping I can weasel my way into one or that that person is just misinformed. I told her I was having twins but that didn't seem to change her mind. I just want to hear those heart beats again and see them again.
I have to hold it together for 2 more weeks and 4 more days... wish me luck.
Tuesday, November 5, 2013
Surprise! Holy shit!
We had our early ultrasound today. It was crazy. I was lying there vag cam in place and the tech just kept scanning back and forth and I'm thinking what are those 2 things? My ovaries?
I look at my hubby. He grabs my hand and I'm like what is it? He holds up two fingers. I say no way. So he holds up four fingers and I start cracking up. I'm sure it's always appropriate to laugh during vag caming.
I turn to the tech and I'm like so are you going to tell us what you are seeing. She initially says she's really not supposed to and then says well why did your OB want you to have this done? I explained that I had been on Clomid and she says well did she mention the possibility of multiples?
Holy shit was all I could think. The hubby had not been joking! There really were two. Two babies. She then explained it all to us. Baby A and Baby B both measuring at about 6 weeks. I should be 6 weeks 2 days today. She zoomed in on them, you could see the little flutter of a heart beat and then she let us hear the heart beats of each.
I am in total shock and sort of overwhelmed today.
I knew this was a risk but I thought I'd be in the 90-95% not the 5-10%.
I am excited and happy and nervous and scared.
One second I feel like this...
And the next I feel like this...
I'm just a ball of emotions right now. I think I need some time for it to sink in.
The hubby though... he is excited. Sent me a text later in the day today saying he kept thinking about the ultrasound picture, how inspiring it was.
And it truly is. Two little lives cooking in there.
What a wonderful, wonderful thing.
I look at my hubby. He grabs my hand and I'm like what is it? He holds up two fingers. I say no way. So he holds up four fingers and I start cracking up. I'm sure it's always appropriate to laugh during vag caming.
I turn to the tech and I'm like so are you going to tell us what you are seeing. She initially says she's really not supposed to and then says well why did your OB want you to have this done? I explained that I had been on Clomid and she says well did she mention the possibility of multiples?
Holy shit was all I could think. The hubby had not been joking! There really were two. Two babies. She then explained it all to us. Baby A and Baby B both measuring at about 6 weeks. I should be 6 weeks 2 days today. She zoomed in on them, you could see the little flutter of a heart beat and then she let us hear the heart beats of each.
I am in total shock and sort of overwhelmed today.
I knew this was a risk but I thought I'd be in the 90-95% not the 5-10%.
I am excited and happy and nervous and scared.
One second I feel like this...
And the next I feel like this...
I'm just a ball of emotions right now. I think I need some time for it to sink in.
The hubby though... he is excited. Sent me a text later in the day today saying he kept thinking about the ultrasound picture, how inspiring it was.
And it truly is. Two little lives cooking in there.
What a wonderful, wonderful thing.
Sunday, November 3, 2013
3 More Days Feels Long
Forgot to post this yesterday...
So my early ultrasound is Tuesday & it is starting to feel like it is so far away. I will be 6 weeks 2 days at that point. I feel like this one is super important because if there's a heart beat & growth looks good then the risk of miscarriage goes down significantly.
I just want to be able to breathe a little easier.
The hubby asked me last night what I thought the worse could be at that ultrasound & I said arrested growth, no heart beat. He was quiet & looked sad & said he thought the worse would be an ectopic.
I hadn't even really thought about that as a possibility. It made me realize how much this infertility has effected him- more than I realized. It seems he has now become the worrier & is assuming the worse. That is not him. So I am hopeful that Tuesday brings good news & eases our worries & we can start just being happy & excited about this pregnancy we have been blessed with.
So my early ultrasound is Tuesday & it is starting to feel like it is so far away. I will be 6 weeks 2 days at that point. I feel like this one is super important because if there's a heart beat & growth looks good then the risk of miscarriage goes down significantly.
I just want to be able to breathe a little easier.
The hubby asked me last night what I thought the worse could be at that ultrasound & I said arrested growth, no heart beat. He was quiet & looked sad & said he thought the worse would be an ectopic.
I hadn't even really thought about that as a possibility. It made me realize how much this infertility has effected him- more than I realized. It seems he has now become the worrier & is assuming the worse. That is not him. So I am hopeful that Tuesday brings good news & eases our worries & we can start just being happy & excited about this pregnancy we have been blessed with.
Monday, October 28, 2013
Still Cooking
Went to my OB today, peed on a stick again, and confirmed that yes there is in fact a sesame seed little one growing in there. Still pregnant! It's becoming more real by the day and the hubby and I are letting ourselves enjoy it a little more... talking about names and dreaming about nurseries.
She wants me to return next week when I'm 6 weeks for an early ultrasound- should be able to see the heart beating then, make sure he/she's in the right place, and make sure there's only one little one. The chance for miscarriage drops from 20% to 5% after that point so I am holding my breath for 1 more week. But mostly I am just happy and excited and so, so thankful.
I think going through this process and contemplating all the things it may take to make this dream happen for us and meeting other people in this community through their blogs has really just made me so damn appreciative that this has happened for us. I know that it is not easy for so many people and it wasn't an easy journey for us up to this point but I count my blessings every second that Clomid was all it took. I know how lucky that is- so I am just trying to soak everything in. I lived my days/months much more anxious/stressed struggling with infertility than I have so far in this 1 week of pregnancy (I know I still have a long way to go! but I count that a victory). It is scary. I know things could still go wrong. But I have this sense of peace. This sense that everything is going to work out.
I am thinking of all of you that are trying and struggling all the time and hoping for you.
I can't promise that I will never complain during this pregnancy but I can promise that I will never take it for granted. I will never forget what a blessing we have been given.
She wants me to return next week when I'm 6 weeks for an early ultrasound- should be able to see the heart beating then, make sure he/she's in the right place, and make sure there's only one little one. The chance for miscarriage drops from 20% to 5% after that point so I am holding my breath for 1 more week. But mostly I am just happy and excited and so, so thankful.
I think going through this process and contemplating all the things it may take to make this dream happen for us and meeting other people in this community through their blogs has really just made me so damn appreciative that this has happened for us. I know that it is not easy for so many people and it wasn't an easy journey for us up to this point but I count my blessings every second that Clomid was all it took. I know how lucky that is- so I am just trying to soak everything in. I lived my days/months much more anxious/stressed struggling with infertility than I have so far in this 1 week of pregnancy (I know I still have a long way to go! but I count that a victory). It is scary. I know things could still go wrong. But I have this sense of peace. This sense that everything is going to work out.
I am thinking of all of you that are trying and struggling all the time and hoping for you.
I can't promise that I will never complain during this pregnancy but I can promise that I will never take it for granted. I will never forget what a blessing we have been given.
Wednesday, October 23, 2013
A poppy seed...
I was reading about what to expect in the first trimester. Currently I have a poppy seed inside my uterus. This doesn't sound too impressive but it is making quite the raucous.
Last night I woke up twice too pee. Well the first time was too pee and the second I thought was to pee but ended up just being this weird pulling feeling in the center of my lower abdomen, like someone kneading dough in there.
My boobs are so painful and full.
It is crazy to me that all these symptoms are coming from something the size of a poppy seed.
I will take it though. The more symptoms I have the more this feels real.
I am seeing my OB next Monday for the "confirm appt."
Can I admit that I already have planned out how I want to tell my family about our pregnancy? My brother's name is Ben. So I've had this idea to get Uncle Ben's Rice and put Congratulations over the Uncle Ben part and then keep with the food theme for my parents. My mom has always wanted to be "Nana" (her grandmother went by Nana) and I found Nana cookies. My dad is a little trickier but his dad was our favorite grandparent and went by Poppy so I was thinking about poppy seeds for him. All with a little congratulations written over the name.
We are going to wait until around the 2nd trimester to tell anyone. It just feels more safe. That will be around Christmas which is a lucky coincidence.
My husband keeps telling me to have patience and not get overly excited. I know he just doesn't want to see me get crushed. But I just can't help thinking about some of these things- it is exciting.
Last night I woke up twice too pee. Well the first time was too pee and the second I thought was to pee but ended up just being this weird pulling feeling in the center of my lower abdomen, like someone kneading dough in there.
My boobs are so painful and full.
It is crazy to me that all these symptoms are coming from something the size of a poppy seed.
I will take it though. The more symptoms I have the more this feels real.
I am seeing my OB next Monday for the "confirm appt."
Can I admit that I already have planned out how I want to tell my family about our pregnancy? My brother's name is Ben. So I've had this idea to get Uncle Ben's Rice and put Congratulations over the Uncle Ben part and then keep with the food theme for my parents. My mom has always wanted to be "Nana" (her grandmother went by Nana) and I found Nana cookies. My dad is a little trickier but his dad was our favorite grandparent and went by Poppy so I was thinking about poppy seeds for him. All with a little congratulations written over the name.
We are going to wait until around the 2nd trimester to tell anyone. It just feels more safe. That will be around Christmas which is a lucky coincidence.
My husband keeps telling me to have patience and not get overly excited. I know he just doesn't want to see me get crushed. But I just can't help thinking about some of these things- it is exciting.
Monday, October 21, 2013
It's Legit... 4 weeks but legit
This morning I took two more tests... just to be sure...
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Kinda blurry... but 2 positives!
This is for real! Crazy! I am trying to contain my excitement because I know it is so early and I think the hubby and I are both cautiously optimistic, very cautiously. I know there are a lot of things that could go wrong in the next 36 weeks but right now I am choosing to be positive and not worry. All I have done for the past 19 months is stress and worry about this so I deserve some happiness with no worry.
I first called my OB and scheduled a "confirm the pregnancy appt" that she told me I should schedule should this ever occur. This is probably a waste of time and money because they just have you pee on a stick in the office but I'll follow the rules. I asked them if there was anything else I needed to do because I was on Clomid this month (thoughts of the risk of multiples in the back of my mind)- they said no. I was kind of hoping to get a quantitative beta or very early ultrasound but no luck (for now at least).
I then called the RE's office and awkwardly explained, "I'm guessing this happens sometimes but I'm supposed to have a new visit appt w/ Dr. H this afternoon and I took a pregnancy test yesterday and I am pregnant. I'm so sorry it's late notice, I'm a doc too so I know it sucks when people cancel the day of but I called as soon as the office opened to try to let you know." Her response was so genuine and awesome. She told me, "That's great! Don't worry people make these appointments when they're at their wits end and now you are pregnant! Congratulations! Call us if you need us in the future."
I looked up my dates on BabyCenter and think my due date will be somewhere near the end of June- June 29/30 (since my cycles vary a little). This is actually amazingly good timing since our work year starts July 1st and our schedule is made through June right now so I shouldn't have to rearrange too much.
I am trying to be patient and not get overly excited but I can't help it a little. We have been waiting for so long. This just feels so unreal.
Kinda blurry... but 2 positives!
This is for real! Crazy! I am trying to contain my excitement because I know it is so early and I think the hubby and I are both cautiously optimistic, very cautiously. I know there are a lot of things that could go wrong in the next 36 weeks but right now I am choosing to be positive and not worry. All I have done for the past 19 months is stress and worry about this so I deserve some happiness with no worry.
I first called my OB and scheduled a "confirm the pregnancy appt" that she told me I should schedule should this ever occur. This is probably a waste of time and money because they just have you pee on a stick in the office but I'll follow the rules. I asked them if there was anything else I needed to do because I was on Clomid this month (thoughts of the risk of multiples in the back of my mind)- they said no. I was kind of hoping to get a quantitative beta or very early ultrasound but no luck (for now at least).
I then called the RE's office and awkwardly explained, "I'm guessing this happens sometimes but I'm supposed to have a new visit appt w/ Dr. H this afternoon and I took a pregnancy test yesterday and I am pregnant. I'm so sorry it's late notice, I'm a doc too so I know it sucks when people cancel the day of but I called as soon as the office opened to try to let you know." Her response was so genuine and awesome. She told me, "That's great! Don't worry people make these appointments when they're at their wits end and now you are pregnant! Congratulations! Call us if you need us in the future."
I looked up my dates on BabyCenter and think my due date will be somewhere near the end of June- June 29/30 (since my cycles vary a little). This is actually amazingly good timing since our work year starts July 1st and our schedule is made through June right now so I shouldn't have to rearrange too much.
I am trying to be patient and not get overly excited but I can't help it a little. We have been waiting for so long. This just feels so unreal.
Utter Disbelief
This post was written last night (10/20)- I was just too scared to post.
For the past couple days I have been starving ALL THE TIME.
And my boobs have been sore, real sore. Which has been happening every month but this month it has just not gone away.
I could have started my period as early as Saturday (day 28) but my cycles vary from 28-32 days.
Tomorrow (now today) is our RE appointment.
So on a whim and just a feeling I decided to take a hpt today.
And guess what?!
For the past couple days I have been starving ALL THE TIME.
And my boobs have been sore, real sore. Which has been happening every month but this month it has just not gone away.
I could have started my period as early as Saturday (day 28) but my cycles vary from 28-32 days.
Tomorrow (now today) is our RE appointment.
So on a whim and just a feeling I decided to take a hpt today.
And guess what?!
I have never seen 2 lines. Ever. And it showed up immediately as soon as I set the test down. I cried, ugly cried. I still don't really believe it. I took it right before I had to leave for a 2 year old friend's birthday party followed by the walk. I had no other tests in the house.
My hubby was on call (per usual for important moments). I called him and asked if I could stop by to see him for a second on my way to the party. I bought this knit buckeye helmet hat for a newborn from etsy nearly 2 years ago now... right before we started trying. I wrapped the pregnancy test in tissue paper and put it at the bottom of a gift bag. Then I wrapped up the hat and put it on top.
My hubby & I had gotten in a stupid argument last night so when I got to the hospital to meet him I told him that I saw something when I was shopping today for a bday present for my BFF that I just had to get him and thought it could make up for last night too. We went up to his call room and he opened it and he's like "What? Why would you buy this?" I tell him to keep looking and he's like "Is this your pee stick?" (before he even had the tissue paper open) "Are you pregnant? Seriously?"
It was such an awesome moment. Both of us completely in disbelief. He's like "Did you take more? Are you sure?" I told him I didn't have anymore but planned on getting more after the walk tonight.
I drank like 5 glasses of water at dinner after the walk and peed multiple times.
Retested when I got home- negative. Googled incessantly false negative and false positive pregnancy tests. I think it was probably negative due to how much water I drank. My urine looked like it came out of the tap it was so clear.
I actually am not worried. Something just feels different for once and I am just happy and disbelieving but not worried. I am going to retest in the morning.
And hopefully call the RE to cancel?
What are the odds? Find out you are pregnant <24 hours before your first RE appointment?
I am trying not to think this is too good to be true.
Saturday, October 19, 2013
Haunting Me Even In My Sleep
So yesterday the hubby & I had a conversation that went something like this:
Me: Guess what?!
Hubby: BFF's pregnant again.
Me: No! Do you really think I'd tell you that with guess what?! (and in a happy tone)
Hubby: Yes.
I can't even remember what my real guess what was in that conversation at this point, but the BFF being pregnant with her second (which is not the case as far as I know) has haunted me since.
Last night I had this nightmare during which she told me she was pregnant again (with her 4 month old on her lap) and I had to fake happiness about it and then for an escape I went to the mall to shop and every single female I passed- 17 or 25 or 40 was pregnant and about to pop pregnant. It was horrible. I woke up in a sweat.
I don't have any idea why this is what I choose to worry about but apparently its the new thing to freak me out. That all these friends of mine that currently have infants or are pregnant will have their second before I ever am lucky enough to have one... just one.
Maybe all this worry is just my anxiety about the RE appointment Monday?
I don't know what I expect them to say.
I anticipate it to go like this:
RE: All your testing looks normal but obviously there is a problem. We are just not sure what it is yet and we may never find out. But- I would like to get an HSG and repeat blood work and repeat hubby's semen analysis after antibiotics for elevated white blood cell count.... and spend hundreds more dollars without accomplishing anything at all.
Me: Okay if you think that is best. How likely do you think any of this testing is to find an answer?
RE: Not likely.
Me: When can we get started actually doing something?
RE: Well, since you are due to start your cycle any day we will probably miss this month and have to wait until next cycle (you know while you are on an inpatient rotation and working 60-70 hours a week).
Me: Sounds great! (AKA Ahh! Shoot me!)
Anyway, so I am just basking in excitement and anticipation for this appointment.
And... so happy that every fucking person I know is pregnant.
Fuck this shit.
Me: Guess what?!
Hubby: BFF's pregnant again.
Me: No! Do you really think I'd tell you that with guess what?! (and in a happy tone)
Hubby: Yes.
I can't even remember what my real guess what was in that conversation at this point, but the BFF being pregnant with her second (which is not the case as far as I know) has haunted me since.
Last night I had this nightmare during which she told me she was pregnant again (with her 4 month old on her lap) and I had to fake happiness about it and then for an escape I went to the mall to shop and every single female I passed- 17 or 25 or 40 was pregnant and about to pop pregnant. It was horrible. I woke up in a sweat.
I don't have any idea why this is what I choose to worry about but apparently its the new thing to freak me out. That all these friends of mine that currently have infants or are pregnant will have their second before I ever am lucky enough to have one... just one.
Maybe all this worry is just my anxiety about the RE appointment Monday?
I don't know what I expect them to say.
I anticipate it to go like this:
RE: All your testing looks normal but obviously there is a problem. We are just not sure what it is yet and we may never find out. But- I would like to get an HSG and repeat blood work and repeat hubby's semen analysis after antibiotics for elevated white blood cell count.... and spend hundreds more dollars without accomplishing anything at all.
Me: Okay if you think that is best. How likely do you think any of this testing is to find an answer?
RE: Not likely.
Me: When can we get started actually doing something?
RE: Well, since you are due to start your cycle any day we will probably miss this month and have to wait until next cycle (you know while you are on an inpatient rotation and working 60-70 hours a week).
Me: Sounds great! (AKA Ahh! Shoot me!)
Anyway, so I am just basking in excitement and anticipation for this appointment.
And... so happy that every fucking person I know is pregnant.
Fuck this shit.
Friday, October 18, 2013
Three Weeks of Thankful Thursdays
So I have been a terrible blogger lately. I've only written one post this month. I don't feel that bad about it because it's primarily the result of me spending >2 of the past 4 weeks on vacation which has been fabulous. Absolutely fabulous. We traveled back to northern California this past week- Friday to Wednesday. Spending the majority of the trip in San Francisco with a one day visit to Napa. We ate plenty of good food and drank incredible wine and did amazing things with really good friends. It was wonderful in every way. But I need to give a full update and pics from both vacations so will give more details in a future post.
Today I want to get back to remembering how awesome and full my life is- even without the baby I'm still lamenting.
This week I am thankful for:
1. A fulfilling and relaxing trip to San Francisco
2. Becoming much closer to one of my girl friends on this trip
3. For my husband who sometimes there are just no words for- He is a huge Pearl Jam fan and showed me this video last night (warning you will cry):
My husband cried too. He lost his father when he was only 5 (he had a type of Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma) and showing me this was opening this window into his heart that he keeps hidden most of the time. I think he'd also like to hear that his dad loved him and is proud of him. I wish the technology to do that had been available back in the early 1980s.
4. Generosity of friends and colleagues that has astounded me. This weekend my family and I are walking in the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention's Out of the Darkness Walk. I posted a link to a registration and donation page on facebook primarily to encourage people to come walk with us. Last year was the first time I participated and it was inspiring but at the same time really personally challenging. Most of the time I can push my sadness about my brother to the background but this walk, while honoring him, also makes facing that unavoidable. Much to my chagrin several friends are participating in the walk and friends, family, & co-workers have donated $280! So humbling.
5. Most days love, love, loving my job.
To Come This Weekend:
1. Hopefully a date night with the hubby tonight.
2. Catching up with the BFF and another high school girl friend at her engagement party.
3. The walk to honor my brother on Sunday.
Today I want to get back to remembering how awesome and full my life is- even without the baby I'm still lamenting.
This week I am thankful for:
1. A fulfilling and relaxing trip to San Francisco
2. Becoming much closer to one of my girl friends on this trip
3. For my husband who sometimes there are just no words for- He is a huge Pearl Jam fan and showed me this video last night (warning you will cry):
4. Generosity of friends and colleagues that has astounded me. This weekend my family and I are walking in the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention's Out of the Darkness Walk. I posted a link to a registration and donation page on facebook primarily to encourage people to come walk with us. Last year was the first time I participated and it was inspiring but at the same time really personally challenging. Most of the time I can push my sadness about my brother to the background but this walk, while honoring him, also makes facing that unavoidable. Much to my chagrin several friends are participating in the walk and friends, family, & co-workers have donated $280! So humbling.
5. Most days love, love, loving my job.
To Come This Weekend:
1. Hopefully a date night with the hubby tonight.
2. Catching up with the BFF and another high school girl friend at her engagement party.
3. The walk to honor my brother on Sunday.
Monday, October 7, 2013
The Waiting Game
I haven't had much to say lately because I feel like we are just in this waiting phase. I am on my third month of Clomid but that shit helps people who have trouble ovulating which has never been my issue so basically for me it just feels like something to do.
We are going to see the RE finally 2 weeks from today. I am excited to hopefully get things rolling and get started with I'm guessing IUI maybe even next month. I think he's going to want us to do some other testing first- I never got the HSG my OB recommended. She agreed with me that I was low risk for having tubal problems and could try Clomid first. Well that was a bust. So hopefully I can get that scheduled at the end of this month but I'm guessing I will miss this next cycle either way and we will have to start at the end of November/beginning of December.
I have been wishing lately that he will look at our results and figure something out, have some clue why we are infertile. I hate having unexplained infertility. To me unexplained = we don't know how to fix it. If you have trouble ovulating there are meds for that, if the hub's sperm had issues IUI or IVF may be more likely to have success. But if it's just not working for no apparent reason then what's the likelihood any of these interventions are going to help. It makes me worry- could something genetic be wrong (a germline mutation in my eggs) or something else with my eggs/my uterus/my body that we just can't see with current technology. I don't think that my husband understands that without an explanation I will always feel like this is my fault. It doesn't even matter who's fault it is- it's just that as a woman I feel like it is my responsibility to be able to have/carry children.
Getting started with some kind of treatment both excites me and terrifies me. Supposedly my insurance covers IUI- whatever that means. I haven't called to find out yet. If that is unsuccessful then we have to really buckle down and start sacrificing if we want to be able to afford IVF. Our friends offered to loan us money for IVF if needed when hubby told them he decided to do the fellowship. This broke my heart- in a good way. And then there is already the worry- what if IVF is unsuccessful. I have no reason to think these things yet except for 18 months of disappointment so far, which does not leave you a glass half-full kind of girl. My husband, wonderful as he is, has said that he is not sure if he would ever want to adopt. I understand some of his fears, however being in a pediatric subspecialty, I see both successful adoptions and kids needing to be adopted every week. It frightens me that his heart may never be open to this option because it leaves me with- then maybe we will never be successful at expanding our family.
I know it is too early to worry about all the things we may face in the next months and years but that is who I am.
I am a worrier.
I can't shake it.
These are the things I lie awake at night pondering.
We are going to see the RE finally 2 weeks from today. I am excited to hopefully get things rolling and get started with I'm guessing IUI maybe even next month. I think he's going to want us to do some other testing first- I never got the HSG my OB recommended. She agreed with me that I was low risk for having tubal problems and could try Clomid first. Well that was a bust. So hopefully I can get that scheduled at the end of this month but I'm guessing I will miss this next cycle either way and we will have to start at the end of November/beginning of December.
I have been wishing lately that he will look at our results and figure something out, have some clue why we are infertile. I hate having unexplained infertility. To me unexplained = we don't know how to fix it. If you have trouble ovulating there are meds for that, if the hub's sperm had issues IUI or IVF may be more likely to have success. But if it's just not working for no apparent reason then what's the likelihood any of these interventions are going to help. It makes me worry- could something genetic be wrong (a germline mutation in my eggs) or something else with my eggs/my uterus/my body that we just can't see with current technology. I don't think that my husband understands that without an explanation I will always feel like this is my fault. It doesn't even matter who's fault it is- it's just that as a woman I feel like it is my responsibility to be able to have/carry children.
Getting started with some kind of treatment both excites me and terrifies me. Supposedly my insurance covers IUI- whatever that means. I haven't called to find out yet. If that is unsuccessful then we have to really buckle down and start sacrificing if we want to be able to afford IVF. Our friends offered to loan us money for IVF if needed when hubby told them he decided to do the fellowship. This broke my heart- in a good way. And then there is already the worry- what if IVF is unsuccessful. I have no reason to think these things yet except for 18 months of disappointment so far, which does not leave you a glass half-full kind of girl. My husband, wonderful as he is, has said that he is not sure if he would ever want to adopt. I understand some of his fears, however being in a pediatric subspecialty, I see both successful adoptions and kids needing to be adopted every week. It frightens me that his heart may never be open to this option because it leaves me with- then maybe we will never be successful at expanding our family.
I know it is too early to worry about all the things we may face in the next months and years but that is who I am.
I am a worrier.
I can't shake it.
These are the things I lie awake at night pondering.
Sunday, September 29, 2013
A Christmas Miracle
I forgot my Thankful Thursday this week... maybe that's why I find myself more bitter than usual this weekend. Or the fact that I was on call yesterday and didn't get much sleep... either way, god damn, every woman of child bearing age in Cincinnati is pregnant, except for me.
I went to the grocery store today- bad plan at 5pm on a Sunday. Near the end of my trip (which was only 20 minutes long) I regretted not having counted how many bulging bellies I saw, bellies who were pushing those car carts with another child inside or who were chasing after their other child who was screaming and running away because they didn't get a sample. And for once I was that person who was highly annoyed by the children who were acting ridiculous. Because come on- five million bellies, screaming children and a crowded freaking grocery store, we all have our breaking points.
Then I just made the mistake of going on facebook and discovering a colleague (who I am traveling & staying in a hotel room with in December) and another one of my high school friends are both pregnant. Out of the group of 9 of us- 7 are married, 2 have children, and 2 are currently with child. I am starting to think I will be the last married one to have a kid. Luckily one of them right now does not want to have children (like ever)- so hopefully I can count on her to not change her mind or at least wait a couple years until science is able to knock me up.
It's just hard- there are so many things I feel that we are excluded from or not invited to because they are centered around kids. Most of our friends now have children and it's not uncommon for things like "Well we're planning a trip to go to Hilton Head w/ these other couples but I don't know if you guys would be interested since you don't have kids."
For a million reasons today I am just grouchy. No excuses I fess up to it.
Despite all this, an amazing thing happened tonight. I went to my parents for dinner without the hubby. He is on call today and thus was at the hospital. Our schedules always line up so well. I was kind of dreading it because my mom always makes incessant comments about when we are going to have children, when she can be our nanny ect ect. Usually the hubby is there to say something fantastic like, "Maybe when your daughter stops swallowing." Yes, he has said that out loud to my parents on more than one occasion. It shuts down the conversation pretty quick which is what he's after. But tonight- my mother she did not say one thing. I think this is the first time she has kept her mouth shut in probably >6 months. It was a Christmas miracle.
I don't know what inspired it but I'll take it.
I went to the grocery store today- bad plan at 5pm on a Sunday. Near the end of my trip (which was only 20 minutes long) I regretted not having counted how many bulging bellies I saw, bellies who were pushing those car carts with another child inside or who were chasing after their other child who was screaming and running away because they didn't get a sample. And for once I was that person who was highly annoyed by the children who were acting ridiculous. Because come on- five million bellies, screaming children and a crowded freaking grocery store, we all have our breaking points.
Then I just made the mistake of going on facebook and discovering a colleague (who I am traveling & staying in a hotel room with in December) and another one of my high school friends are both pregnant. Out of the group of 9 of us- 7 are married, 2 have children, and 2 are currently with child. I am starting to think I will be the last married one to have a kid. Luckily one of them right now does not want to have children (like ever)- so hopefully I can count on her to not change her mind or at least wait a couple years until science is able to knock me up.
It's just hard- there are so many things I feel that we are excluded from or not invited to because they are centered around kids. Most of our friends now have children and it's not uncommon for things like "Well we're planning a trip to go to Hilton Head w/ these other couples but I don't know if you guys would be interested since you don't have kids."
For a million reasons today I am just grouchy. No excuses I fess up to it.
Despite all this, an amazing thing happened tonight. I went to my parents for dinner without the hubby. He is on call today and thus was at the hospital. Our schedules always line up so well. I was kind of dreading it because my mom always makes incessant comments about when we are going to have children, when she can be our nanny ect ect. Usually the hubby is there to say something fantastic like, "Maybe when your daughter stops swallowing." Yes, he has said that out loud to my parents on more than one occasion. It shuts down the conversation pretty quick which is what he's after. But tonight- my mother she did not say one thing. I think this is the first time she has kept her mouth shut in probably >6 months. It was a Christmas miracle.
I don't know what inspired it but I'll take it.
Tuesday, September 24, 2013
Two Years of This Fabulous Life
Today marks our two year anniversary.
We have already had quite the ride so far in our 4.5 years of coupledom & 2 years of marriage.
I am thankful for my husband every damn day (even when I don't do the best job of showing it). I have this theory that everyone is crazy in their own unique way & maybe, just maybe you get lucky enough to find someone who can deal with your particular variety of crazy and even (at least in some moments) be able to laugh at it and thus make you laugh through it. We are not perfect but most days we handle each other's idiosyncrasies quite well.
He has gotten me through some incredibly difficult times- see the other elephant and even went to my pre-scheduled yearly gyno visit with me the day after my brother passed while I cried throughout and generally looked like a lunatic & wondered if other people in the waiting room thought he was a super overprotective or abusive fiancé. But I find it is often the parts of him outside of our relationship that make me love him the most. The fact that he has made an effort over the past 3.5 years to be a brother to my other brother- always bringing up calling him to invite him for dinner, at times hanging out with him while I am working, encouraging him & convincing him he will find his path one day when he feels a little lost. The fact that I already know that he will be the most amazing father- I watch him with our best friend's 3 kids who adore him & know his name & remember him as toddlers long before they remember me & then with our nieces & nephews who he has a tradition of making dirt with and generally spoiling rotten.
He is a good, good man.
He gets me and I hope most days I get him.
This infertility journey at times has been hard on us and emotionally draining but at the end of the day I am so damn happy to have him by my side.
We have already had quite the ride so far in our 4.5 years of coupledom & 2 years of marriage.
I am thankful for my husband every damn day (even when I don't do the best job of showing it). I have this theory that everyone is crazy in their own unique way & maybe, just maybe you get lucky enough to find someone who can deal with your particular variety of crazy and even (at least in some moments) be able to laugh at it and thus make you laugh through it. We are not perfect but most days we handle each other's idiosyncrasies quite well.
He has gotten me through some incredibly difficult times- see the other elephant and even went to my pre-scheduled yearly gyno visit with me the day after my brother passed while I cried throughout and generally looked like a lunatic & wondered if other people in the waiting room thought he was a super overprotective or abusive fiancé. But I find it is often the parts of him outside of our relationship that make me love him the most. The fact that he has made an effort over the past 3.5 years to be a brother to my other brother- always bringing up calling him to invite him for dinner, at times hanging out with him while I am working, encouraging him & convincing him he will find his path one day when he feels a little lost. The fact that I already know that he will be the most amazing father- I watch him with our best friend's 3 kids who adore him & know his name & remember him as toddlers long before they remember me & then with our nieces & nephews who he has a tradition of making dirt with and generally spoiling rotten.
He is a good, good man.
He gets me and I hope most days I get him.
This infertility journey at times has been hard on us and emotionally draining but at the end of the day I am so damn happy to have him by my side.
Monday, September 23, 2013
First the bad... Warning TMI
We just got back from our amazing trip last night. It was fabulous with 1 minor exception.
A few days before we were leaving I felt like I was developing a UTI. Since we're actively trying to conceive I got a prescription for Macrobid which is the safest antibiotic treatment during pregnancy (category B). This seemed to be doing the trick & I finished the meds a few days into our trip.
Then 2 days later while hiking in Yosemite I peed and developed the worst pain/feeling of urgency I have ever had. Seriously it was awful. We kept going because I knew there wasn't anything I could do about it- we were a 3 hr drive into the park (yes the park is huge).
We hiked to this beautiful lake, Dog Lake...
...and hung out there with a duck for a bit.
Then there was a path off the same trail to Lembert Dome.
Then somehow- because the trail was poorly marked we followed signs to the dog lake parking lot where we had parked (we thought) only to realize near the bottom of the very steep trail that this was a different parking lot. At this point I was on the verge of tears. Of course I had left our map in the car. I approached an older couple to ask if they had a map we could look at- they were not American (everyone at Yosemite had a much cooler accent & I'm sure had been on many more amazing travels than the hubby & I) and I don't think they undertook that we were lost but thankfully they let us take a peek at their map & figure out where we were & where we needed to go.
So we start walking down this road hoping we are going in the right direction. Luckily, there was a ranger station building with another bathroom right there which literally saved my life. That is when I realized I was bleeding. Day 1 was possibly coming soon but this was bright red blood. I used to get UTIs not infrequently and I have never bled. I sat in there praying out loud for God to help us make it back to the car because I was in so much pain.
Thank God my hubby has a much better sense of direction then I do and we eventually made it back to our car and then our hotel. I had brought an old prescription of Bactrim just in case so I took that and then proceeded to pass a large blood clot mixed with white (I know- TMI) which I think was likely a kidney stone. Needless to say this sucked bad. Bactrim is category C and not the best if you could be pregnant but at that point I didn't give a shit. And today I give a shit even less because today day 1 has reared it's ugly head yet again. But I am over it. At least I am telling myself that I am. I enjoyed myself this two week wait because I was on vacation having a wonderful time, not thinking about it, and not putting my life on hold for what ifs.
I am telling myself it's okay because now the earliest I could have a baby would be the very end of June (if I get pregnant next month- HA!). Our work year runs July to June so I figure this way if we somehow manage to get pregnant in the next few months I will be able to tell them before next year's schedule is made and avoid fucking up anyone else's schedules. Yea I know- sweet consolation prize.
Consolation prize #2- when we return to wine country in a few weeks I will be able to drink all the Spaan MoJo (our favorite wine from this week) my heart desires.
Does any one else do this? Come up with reasons why it would be better next month?
Or I am the only one always trying to fool themselves?
A few days before we were leaving I felt like I was developing a UTI. Since we're actively trying to conceive I got a prescription for Macrobid which is the safest antibiotic treatment during pregnancy (category B). This seemed to be doing the trick & I finished the meds a few days into our trip.
Then 2 days later while hiking in Yosemite I peed and developed the worst pain/feeling of urgency I have ever had. Seriously it was awful. We kept going because I knew there wasn't anything I could do about it- we were a 3 hr drive into the park (yes the park is huge).
We hiked to this beautiful lake, Dog Lake...
...and hung out there with a duck for a bit.
Then there was a path off the same trail to Lembert Dome.
 |
| This is not Lembert Dome but a view from there. |
Then somehow- because the trail was poorly marked we followed signs to the dog lake parking lot where we had parked (we thought) only to realize near the bottom of the very steep trail that this was a different parking lot. At this point I was on the verge of tears. Of course I had left our map in the car. I approached an older couple to ask if they had a map we could look at- they were not American (everyone at Yosemite had a much cooler accent & I'm sure had been on many more amazing travels than the hubby & I) and I don't think they undertook that we were lost but thankfully they let us take a peek at their map & figure out where we were & where we needed to go.
So we start walking down this road hoping we are going in the right direction. Luckily, there was a ranger station building with another bathroom right there which literally saved my life. That is when I realized I was bleeding. Day 1 was possibly coming soon but this was bright red blood. I used to get UTIs not infrequently and I have never bled. I sat in there praying out loud for God to help us make it back to the car because I was in so much pain.
Thank God my hubby has a much better sense of direction then I do and we eventually made it back to our car and then our hotel. I had brought an old prescription of Bactrim just in case so I took that and then proceeded to pass a large blood clot mixed with white (I know- TMI) which I think was likely a kidney stone. Needless to say this sucked bad. Bactrim is category C and not the best if you could be pregnant but at that point I didn't give a shit. And today I give a shit even less because today day 1 has reared it's ugly head yet again. But I am over it. At least I am telling myself that I am. I enjoyed myself this two week wait because I was on vacation having a wonderful time, not thinking about it, and not putting my life on hold for what ifs.
I am telling myself it's okay because now the earliest I could have a baby would be the very end of June (if I get pregnant next month- HA!). Our work year runs July to June so I figure this way if we somehow manage to get pregnant in the next few months I will be able to tell them before next year's schedule is made and avoid fucking up anyone else's schedules. Yea I know- sweet consolation prize.
Consolation prize #2- when we return to wine country in a few weeks I will be able to drink all the Spaan MoJo (our favorite wine from this week) my heart desires.
Does any one else do this? Come up with reasons why it would be better next month?
Or I am the only one always trying to fool themselves?
Friday, September 13, 2013
Thankful Thursday... A day late
This week I am thankful for:
1. Time this week to get caught up on work & leave town with no stress hanging over my head.
2. Seeing some of my favorite patients in clinic this week who are doing fabulously.
3. Booking to attend a conference I'm really excited about in December.
To come:
1. A nice long vacation to Berkeley, Yosemite, & Sonoma. So our yurt has no power because of the fire & we had to make last minute reservations today, it's still going to be fabulous.
2. First Ohio State game I get to attend in 2 years. Gooo Bucks!
3. Spending the end of the 2 week wait in wine country.
Yay vacation!!!
Tuesday, September 10, 2013
A lesson in patience... and biting my tongue
My sister-in-law just had her third child a week ago. I swear she just looks at her husband and says I want another one and poof! she's pregnant or maybe she twinkles her nose like bewitched... that would be fitting.
The whole having 3 kids thing is forgivable. I might be working on my second right now if things had worked out. What is not forgivable is her blatant ignorance. The hubby & I went on vacation last January to Phoenix & San Diego and visited them in the second portion of our trip. First of all, my sister in law was 2 seconds pregnant at the time- like I wouldn't have even been telling people yet if I were her (6 or 8 weeksish) and literally complained 24/7 about her pregnancy. Complained and talked about how horny she was- I am an open book but while I'm sleeping in the room next to you...TMI. At that point we had been trying for about 9 months & it was starting to hit me hard. One day when I walked out of the bathroom she was sitting there talking to my husband about how she couldn't understand how people had difficulty getting pregnant. She said "It is so obvious when you are ovulating and you just have sex then." I had to pick my jaw up off the floor as I thought "OHMYGOD! You just solved all the world's infertility problems! You are such a god damn genius!"
I honestly still do not understand how you can be that naive and oblivious. Now she didn't know we were trying so that wasn't an intentional slap in the face or anything but come on. Have you not ever had any friends who had difficulty conceiving? I am several years younger than her & I have multiple friends who had difficulties or who have had miscarriages. Even before this first hand experience I was not so daft as to think this was easy for everyone. Maybe I thought & hoped that it would be for myself but I knew it was not that simple.
For one, it is not that obvious for every woman when they are ovulating. I consider myself I decently smart person- 20 years of education + 3 years of medical residency so far and I have no fucking clue when I ovulate. Basal body temping & OPKs help but even with that it isn't always straightforward.
Second, just because I can count out the days of my cycle & figure out when I am likely ovulating or pee on sticks until I see that pink line does not mean that I have sex then and a baby arrives 9 months later. If only 1+1=2.
To be fair, my sister in law doesn't have that many good girlfriends. Probably because she offends people with words like those. But I don't feel like that's an excuse for a lack of common sense.
Luckily this part of our family lives across the country which works out to seeing them 1-2x/year. She talks about wanting to move back to Ohio to be closer to my mother/father-in-law and us. I think if that ever becomes a real possibility then our talk of finally moving out of Ohio might have to become reality too.
The whole having 3 kids thing is forgivable. I might be working on my second right now if things had worked out. What is not forgivable is her blatant ignorance. The hubby & I went on vacation last January to Phoenix & San Diego and visited them in the second portion of our trip. First of all, my sister in law was 2 seconds pregnant at the time- like I wouldn't have even been telling people yet if I were her (6 or 8 weeksish) and literally complained 24/7 about her pregnancy. Complained and talked about how horny she was- I am an open book but while I'm sleeping in the room next to you...TMI. At that point we had been trying for about 9 months & it was starting to hit me hard. One day when I walked out of the bathroom she was sitting there talking to my husband about how she couldn't understand how people had difficulty getting pregnant. She said "It is so obvious when you are ovulating and you just have sex then." I had to pick my jaw up off the floor as I thought "OHMYGOD! You just solved all the world's infertility problems! You are such a god damn genius!"
I honestly still do not understand how you can be that naive and oblivious. Now she didn't know we were trying so that wasn't an intentional slap in the face or anything but come on. Have you not ever had any friends who had difficulty conceiving? I am several years younger than her & I have multiple friends who had difficulties or who have had miscarriages. Even before this first hand experience I was not so daft as to think this was easy for everyone. Maybe I thought & hoped that it would be for myself but I knew it was not that simple.
For one, it is not that obvious for every woman when they are ovulating. I consider myself I decently smart person- 20 years of education + 3 years of medical residency so far and I have no fucking clue when I ovulate. Basal body temping & OPKs help but even with that it isn't always straightforward.
Second, just because I can count out the days of my cycle & figure out when I am likely ovulating or pee on sticks until I see that pink line does not mean that I have sex then and a baby arrives 9 months later. If only 1+1=2.
To be fair, my sister in law doesn't have that many good girlfriends. Probably because she offends people with words like those. But I don't feel like that's an excuse for a lack of common sense.
Luckily this part of our family lives across the country which works out to seeing them 1-2x/year. She talks about wanting to move back to Ohio to be closer to my mother/father-in-law and us. I think if that ever becomes a real possibility then our talk of finally moving out of Ohio might have to become reality too.
Saturday, September 7, 2013
Relieved
He decided.
I am so relieved.
He is doing the fellowship for sure, 100%.
He told the program director at work that he was going to accept the position. It's official now except for signing the actual contract. It may or may not push back our infertility treatment plans if we need to go beyond IUI (if that's even what's recommended at our appt next month). I am not worried about the money. But he will be working a lot- more than he is now and the time may be an issue. You know, time for those intimate meetings with the 80s pornography to collect those precious swimmers. I am not going to worry or think about that now though. I am putting my best effort forth to find peace in where we are and wherever this journey may take us. We are already somewhere wonderful he and I, there can only be more to come.
I am so relieved.
He is doing the fellowship for sure, 100%.
He told the program director at work that he was going to accept the position. It's official now except for signing the actual contract. It may or may not push back our infertility treatment plans if we need to go beyond IUI (if that's even what's recommended at our appt next month). I am not worried about the money. But he will be working a lot- more than he is now and the time may be an issue. You know, time for those intimate meetings with the 80s pornography to collect those precious swimmers. I am not going to worry or think about that now though. I am putting my best effort forth to find peace in where we are and wherever this journey may take us. We are already somewhere wonderful he and I, there can only be more to come.
Thursday, September 5, 2013
Thankful Thursday Part Deux
This week I am thankful for:
1. Being able to have the time & money to attend an amazing concert & Mumford & Sons choosing Ohio which made that a possibility.
2. Good friends who can relate.
2. Good friends who can relate.
3. A good call night last night during which I was only woken up by one page!
4. A 4 day work week again this week.
5. Starting to get an inkling of what I want to do with my life when I finally get to get a "real job" in 2 years.
To come:
1. A weekend free of any plans/obligations which means a Saturday filled with college football from 12p-12a.
2. 1 week until vacation to Berkeley, Yosemite, & Sonoma. 1. A weekend free of any plans/obligations which means a Saturday filled with college football from 12p-12a.
Hopefully it won't still be on fire!
Wednesday, September 4, 2013
A Weekend In Review...
We had a most fabulous four day weekend the hubs & I. We left Friday for Troy Ohio which is just about an hour away for the Gentleman of the Road Stopover Tour. It was a Friday night & all day Saturday concert & sort of street festival. It was awesome.
We had a little bit of a rough start to our weekend on Thursday night when we went out with some of my hubby's coworkers & then stayed out for a few more beers after they had left since we were on a mini vacation. Unfortunately, I had had 3 or 4 beers when he told me that a couple of those friends were pregnant with their second and as hard as I tried I couldn't hold back the tears. I blame it on the alcohol but maybe it's also just the sadness I sometimes can't suppress. The thing is he is supportive 99% of the time but sometimes he just can't understand my sadness in these situations. Probably because it doesn't make much sense. I know them having a baby has nothing to do with us. I am happy for them, really I am. But the unfairness of it still sometimes feels like a slap in the face. I am an adult, I know life is not fair but I just can't let it go. And my hubby doesn't want infertility defining our lives which I completely agree with but that doesn't mean I don't have moments of sadness.
So I was thinking about it while Edward Sharpe was playing & this song was played:
Mustaches everywhere! And our feet :)
Friday night the headliner was Edward Sharpe & the Magnetic Zeros- this was our second time seeing them and they are hands down one of the best live bands I have ever seen. We saw them last year in Nashville at the Southern Ground Music & Food Festival for a little 1 year anniversary get-away. Now that it is almost our 2 year anniversary it's becoming a tradition to celebrate another year of wedded bliss with a weekend away & live music.We had a little bit of a rough start to our weekend on Thursday night when we went out with some of my hubby's coworkers & then stayed out for a few more beers after they had left since we were on a mini vacation. Unfortunately, I had had 3 or 4 beers when he told me that a couple of those friends were pregnant with their second and as hard as I tried I couldn't hold back the tears. I blame it on the alcohol but maybe it's also just the sadness I sometimes can't suppress. The thing is he is supportive 99% of the time but sometimes he just can't understand my sadness in these situations. Probably because it doesn't make much sense. I know them having a baby has nothing to do with us. I am happy for them, really I am. But the unfairness of it still sometimes feels like a slap in the face. I am an adult, I know life is not fair but I just can't let it go. And my hubby doesn't want infertility defining our lives which I completely agree with but that doesn't mean I don't have moments of sadness.
So I was thinking about it while Edward Sharpe was playing & this song was played:
"While I was feeling such a mess, I thought you'd leave me behind
While I was feeling so upset, I thought the sun never shine"
Sometimes I feel exactly that- that I am such a mess, that this is never going to get better. I can see why that's hard for my husband to handle. It must be hard to be expected to be the strong one all of the time, for him to be my fortress. I know it effects him too- his sadness has poured out a few drunken nights but for the most part he keeps it inside. I think men are just different that way.
"But you made me change my mind."
"Forever!
No matter what!
You've got my love to lean on darling.
That's what's up!"
That's the thing, I know he'd never leave me behind. I know that I have his love to lean on and hold me up in my moments of weakness and sadness and despair. He has been such an amazing source of support. So this is my new anthem. I am going to work really hard to stay positive and focus on the overwhelming good we have in our lives.
This weekend was exactly what we needed. It reminded me of how insanely lucky I am once again. It reminded me of the things we are able to do because we don't yet have kids. There were a few babies there in baby bjorns, but toting a newborn around on my chest in 90 degree weather and rain with 27,000 of my closest friends is not exactly my idea of a good time. And this weekend just us and music was definitely my idea of a good time.
Saturday night headliner was Mumford & Sons who followed many other bands including Old Crow Medicine Show who were fantastic as well. The Mumford Encore was amazing. They sang this one acoustic:
And this one acapella:
This weekend was exactly what we needed. It reminded me of how insanely lucky I am once again. It reminded me of the things we are able to do because we don't yet have kids. There were a few babies there in baby bjorns, but toting a newborn around on my chest in 90 degree weather and rain with 27,000 of my closest friends is not exactly my idea of a good time. And this weekend just us and music was definitely my idea of a good time.
Saturday night headliner was Mumford & Sons who followed many other bands including Old Crow Medicine Show who were fantastic as well. The Mumford Encore was amazing. They sang this one acoustic:
Found on Youtube, not the best recording but it's from the Troy show
And this one acapella:
Also found on Youtube & from our show
We came home Sunday and to top the weekend off spent a wonderful evening with a friend of the hubs from work who I adore and his wife who I also love and have loved getting to know after she returned home after doing a fellowship out of town for the past 3 years. They have also been trying to have children and have met some roadblocks. It has been a blessing to have her to talk to and feel that I can be completely open with.
Have I mentioned lately that I am a lucky, lucky girl?
Thursday, August 29, 2013
Thankful Thursdays
Reflecting on the purpose of this blog this week, I realized part of my goal was to be more positive about this whole process and about life in general. I have failed in this agenda. I haven't really been focusing on all the amazing things happening on a daily and weekly basis in my life. I have always been a positive, optimistic person and I feel that infertility is slowing stealing that from me and turning me into quite the pessimist. So... I am going to try to change that with Thankful Thursdays- a review of the goodness from the past week as well as the things I am looking forward too the coming weekend.
This week I am thankful for:
1. Visits with old friends who live out of town filled with girl talk and laughter.
2. Being able to hold my best friends baby (now 9 weeks old!) and even getting some smiles and laughs.
3. A 4 day work week
4. A 4 day weekend... holla!
5. Today marking the start of the college football season! I love me some Ohio State football.
To come:
1. I can't wait for the Gentleman's Stopover Tour Concert this weekend!
I am hoping for a little bit of this action...
This week I am thankful for:
1. Visits with old friends who live out of town filled with girl talk and laughter.
2. Being able to hold my best friends baby (now 9 weeks old!) and even getting some smiles and laughs.
3. A 4 day work week
4. A 4 day weekend... holla!
5. Today marking the start of the college football season! I love me some Ohio State football.
To come:
1. I can't wait for the Gentleman's Stopover Tour Concert this weekend!
I am hoping for a little bit of this action...
and a relaxing weekend away with the Hubs.
2. The first Ohio State football game this Saturday! Not the biggest game of the year- we are playing Buffalo but...GO BUCKS! Beat those Bulls!
3. Countdown to vacation... 2 weeks!!! :)
Wednesday, August 28, 2013
Clomid Makin Me Cray Cray
I finally googled Clomid side effects. Despite being a doctor I don't know shit about Clomid. I understand the basic idea- pump up those ovaries, induce ovulation (which I'm already doing on my own- thus my less than enthusiastic attitude about Clomid), but I think again because I'm a doctor, my OB just said we'll do Clomid and kind of left it at that.
So last month went okay- despite the 1 day of cray cray and the whole lack of baby making thing, I didn't really notice any other side effects. I had some nausea at the end of the month that I thought meant I was pregnant. I was not.
This month is a different story. I have been taking my Clomid in the am as I did last month. I usually eat a granola bar on the way to work (I know a very healthy and filling breakfast) and then pop my pill right before I go in. That way I have something in my stomach. The 4 days so far I feel nauseous shortly after for a couple hours- basically until I eat again. The problem is the person I'm working with this month is 7 months pregnant and goes for a late morning second breakfast which I certainly don't need but have been joining due to said nausea.
I also think it's causing hot flashes. Mild but I sweat like a banshee. I don't know, it could be hot flashes or it could be the fact that we have finally hit miserably hot summer in southern Ohio. This summer has been unbelievably mild and this week has been the first week of consistent temps in the upper 80s/lower 90s. Thank god fall is almost here. I am ready- ready for Ohio State Football and sweatshirts and pumpkins and s'mores.
S'mores were the best part of our rehearsal dinner. The s'mores and the fact that it was barbeque in my parents backyard. Ahhhh... has it really almost been 2 years. 2 years in 1 month. I want to get married again, to my hubby of course, but I want to have the party and all those people and all that love in one room again.
My hubby. God I love him.
I am one lucky girl.
Hot, sweaty and nauseous.
But lucky.
So last month went okay- despite the 1 day of cray cray and the whole lack of baby making thing, I didn't really notice any other side effects. I had some nausea at the end of the month that I thought meant I was pregnant. I was not.
This month is a different story. I have been taking my Clomid in the am as I did last month. I usually eat a granola bar on the way to work (I know a very healthy and filling breakfast) and then pop my pill right before I go in. That way I have something in my stomach. The 4 days so far I feel nauseous shortly after for a couple hours- basically until I eat again. The problem is the person I'm working with this month is 7 months pregnant and goes for a late morning second breakfast which I certainly don't need but have been joining due to said nausea.
I also think it's causing hot flashes. Mild but I sweat like a banshee. I don't know, it could be hot flashes or it could be the fact that we have finally hit miserably hot summer in southern Ohio. This summer has been unbelievably mild and this week has been the first week of consistent temps in the upper 80s/lower 90s. Thank god fall is almost here. I am ready- ready for Ohio State Football and sweatshirts and pumpkins and s'mores.
S'mores were the best part of our rehearsal dinner. The s'mores and the fact that it was barbeque in my parents backyard. Ahhhh... has it really almost been 2 years. 2 years in 1 month. I want to get married again, to my hubby of course, but I want to have the party and all those people and all that love in one room again.
My hubby. God I love him.
I am one lucky girl.
Hot, sweaty and nauseous.
But lucky.
Sunday, August 25, 2013
Clomid Round 2
I don't like this new added bonus of having to call my OB to tell them that once again I am not pregnant. It adds insult to injury on day 1. But I don't have a choice if I want more drugs. As much as I think this Clomid is bullshit and isn't going to work it will help pass the time for the next 2 months until our appointment with the reproductive endocrinologist on October 21. I filled out their packet. I just have to get my records sent in & get the hubby to fill out his part.
My OB called in Clomid 50mg again. I assume since my 21 day progesterone was 16.5 there is no point in going higher? I don't know. It appears that I have been ovulating this whole time which is why I'm not putting too much stock into Clomid. It just doesn't seem like the likely solution to our problem- whatever our problem is.
In other news, I need to get off Facebook. Seriously need to get off Facebook.
We did have a good weekend though. Got together with good friends and just hung out & had pizza. It was wonderful. The hangover from too much wine was not wonderful. C'est la vie. Hopefully tonight I get to catch up with a good high school friend who is in town from Chicago.
Cheers to another round! Here goes nothing!
Saturday, August 24, 2013
Random Musings
In honor of another day 1 I've come to some conclusions:
1. They should offer a baby/kid free Facebook version for infertiles. With an opt in option for pictures of adorable children for the days when seeing them doesn't make you want to scream or cry or both.
2. Someone must invent wine that is good for morulas, that boosts fertility.
3. Infertility treatments should be affordable and involve less vag camera.
4. People should not be allowed to complain about their pregnancy (especially begging to go into labor 3 weeks early, with your 3rd! child) in a public place (ie facebook).
5. I should not drink a whole bottle of wine & several beers to drown my day 1 sorrows. This will result in a hangover.
6. You should get some sort of prize package on each day 1. Then maybe I'd feel more like- thank you may I have another.
7. I should get some more hobbies & friends. Friends without babies, friends who loathe babies even.
1. They should offer a baby/kid free Facebook version for infertiles. With an opt in option for pictures of adorable children for the days when seeing them doesn't make you want to scream or cry or both.
2. Someone must invent wine that is good for morulas, that boosts fertility.
3. Infertility treatments should be affordable and involve less vag camera.
4. People should not be allowed to complain about their pregnancy (especially begging to go into labor 3 weeks early, with your 3rd! child) in a public place (ie facebook).
5. I should not drink a whole bottle of wine & several beers to drown my day 1 sorrows. This will result in a hangover.
6. You should get some sort of prize package on each day 1. Then maybe I'd feel more like- thank you may I have another.
7. I should get some more hobbies & friends. Friends without babies, friends who loathe babies even.
Friday, August 23, 2013
Well Isn't It Ironic
Don't you think...
A little too ironic... yea I really do think.
So I was 3 going on 4 days late today. Last night my hubby and I had talked about it and I had asked him if he thought I should take a test. He told me to wait until I was a week late since that would be the most accurate. I told him I didn't think I could wait all the way until Tuesday and I had wanted to take a test tomorrow morning (now today).
This morning he wakes me up (he leaves for work before I'm even awake) and asks me "Are you going to take a pregnancy test?" I reply "Do you think I should?" "Yea I think so" he says. So I get out of bed, grab a little cup to pee in to stick the preg stick in, and head to the bathroom.
I am holding that cup in the toilet and trying to pee and something just doesn't feel right so I look down and that little cup is filling up with blood.
I feel this sense of dread rush over me and just like that I'm not pregnant, the Clomid didn't work, that hope I had is washing away.
Oh the irony.
Or maybe it's not ironic, just like Alanis' song, maybe it just sucks.
I go back downstairs and tell my husband. He holds me on his chest. I tell him I'm sorry. He asks why. I tell him I'm sorry that I'm not pregnant. I'm sorry that it can't be easy. I just wanted the Clomid to work so that it could be easy, so that he would know now that he could do his fellowship, so that this nightmare would be over. I ask him to promise me he'll do his fellowship. He tells me he can't do that. And he holds me and kisses me and tells me it's not my fault. Then he asks if I want to skip the day of work, for us both to skip and go do something fun. I tell him I just want to go back to bed. Do I want him to come with me? Yes. But I don't think we should skip work so he can't.
Now as I write this and I've been crying all morning I really wish I had taken him up on his offer. Instead I'm leaving for work- a mess.
A little too ironic... yea I really do think.
So I was 3 going on 4 days late today. Last night my hubby and I had talked about it and I had asked him if he thought I should take a test. He told me to wait until I was a week late since that would be the most accurate. I told him I didn't think I could wait all the way until Tuesday and I had wanted to take a test tomorrow morning (now today).
This morning he wakes me up (he leaves for work before I'm even awake) and asks me "Are you going to take a pregnancy test?" I reply "Do you think I should?" "Yea I think so" he says. So I get out of bed, grab a little cup to pee in to stick the preg stick in, and head to the bathroom.
I am holding that cup in the toilet and trying to pee and something just doesn't feel right so I look down and that little cup is filling up with blood.
I feel this sense of dread rush over me and just like that I'm not pregnant, the Clomid didn't work, that hope I had is washing away.
Oh the irony.
Or maybe it's not ironic, just like Alanis' song, maybe it just sucks.
I go back downstairs and tell my husband. He holds me on his chest. I tell him I'm sorry. He asks why. I tell him I'm sorry that I'm not pregnant. I'm sorry that it can't be easy. I just wanted the Clomid to work so that it could be easy, so that he would know now that he could do his fellowship, so that this nightmare would be over. I ask him to promise me he'll do his fellowship. He tells me he can't do that. And he holds me and kisses me and tells me it's not my fault. Then he asks if I want to skip the day of work, for us both to skip and go do something fun. I tell him I just want to go back to bed. Do I want him to come with me? Yes. But I don't think we should skip work so he can't.
Now as I write this and I've been crying all morning I really wish I had taken him up on his offer. Instead I'm leaving for work- a mess.
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