I have been on Clomid for 4 days now, last day is tomorrow. I am taking it days 3-7 per the doctor's orders with a progesterone test on day 21.
Maybe I am just making excuses but I really feel like yesterday Clomid made me a crazy person. I was in that state of on the verge of tears the entire day. So not once, but twice, I was pushed over the edge- for the most trivial things. And the thing was, I could rationalize with myself that there was no real reason to be as upset as I was but I still could not control it.
I felt crazy.
Crazier than my baseline semi-crazed state.
Then today I had a really good day- no crazy, no tears. Had a team dinner for the end of the month. Enjoyed myself.
Then I came home to the torture device otherwise known as facebook.
At least 10 of my friends posted pictures of their fresh (within the last month) babies- check.
1 friend announced their pregnancy- check.
1 friend posted their adorably cute maternity photos with their already here 2 year old son- check.
Then I climbed under a rock and cried myself to sleep.
Check.
I like to think I am above jealousy and that I am working on no longer feeling sorry for myself. But that would be a lie.
I am jealous.
And sad.
And still sorry for myself.
And still wondering most days why is this so easy for everyone except for us?
Hello to Day 1 again!
He did not get my notice last month.
Good news is my hubby returns to the land of the living in 1 week.
And you know what that means...
It's Clomid time!
I'm kinda nervous about it... it's our first "Infertility treatment." I know it's probably no big deal for pros out there but it feels like a big deal to me because it makes things official, like "Yes, you really are infertile!" I don't know, there's just always been this part of me in the back of my mind (while being envious of the pregnant bellies at the grocery store) that thought it would just happen for us these past 2 months while awaiting the hubby to finish nights.
Is that how it always is with infertility?
You always cling to the hope that things will be different?
So for now I am hopeful. Hopeful the clomid doesn't make me crazy and does make me ripe with child. Hopeful my youthful ovaries just need a swift kick in the ass.
So infertility is draining... to the mind, body, spirit... and wallet.
We don't even really know what we're in for yet monetarily. The work-up we've undergone so far has cost us more than anticipated. I thought I had pretty good insurance and I think the testing so far has cost us $800-1,000. And that's not including an HSG or any treatment.
But the price we've paid so far falls into the spirit department.
I talked about this in my first post and it was part of my motivation for starting this blog- wanting to air my frustrations in an effort to have a more positive attitude.
The most challenging thing lately has been the effect all of this is having on our future and our career decisions. Oh how lucky are those who don't have to plan for infertility.
My husband is one year away from being finished with his residency. He has the option of starting to work as an attending immediately when he is done or continuing his training further and doing a 1 year Intensive Care fellowship. He would be an excellent ICU doctor and I want him to follow his dreams. I have 2 years left and will make substantially less money than him even when I am an attending (pediatric subspecialties despite sometimes longer training pay less- go figure). He has to decide soon (like should have decided already).
But... the truth is... if he starts working right away his salary will at least quadruple- if not more. If he continues on to fellowship his salary will remain essentially the same. We are not poor right now by any means but we also have a huge amount of medical school debt between the two of us and the idea of paying thousands of dollars for IVF or adoption is not feasible at the moment.
To be honest, I didn't even consider this when he debated back and forth about whether or not to pursue a fellowship. He brought it up and he is the one who continues to worry about it. He puts our family first and above his career which is just one of the many reasons I adore him.
But I want him to be happy.
I don't want him to have any regrets.
And what if he forgoes fellowship so that we can afford infertility treatments or adoption and we aren't successful in having a baby?
Is it worth that cost? Will he have regrets?
I know if I was pregnant right now he would do the fellowship. It is what he wants.
I wish these decisions were easy.
I wish there was a right answer.
I wish I could just get pregnant so I could start decorating a nursery instead of worrying about all this bull shit.
I just had an amazing day.
I am so insanely ridiculously lucky.
I get to wake up each day and do something I love, something that very few people have the privilege to do, I get to take care of sick kids. I get to help guide families through some of their most vulnerable times. I get to read and learn new things about the mind every single day and I will never know everything there is to know about my field which is both terrifying and exhilarating.
I get to run. I have been limited in my running lately because I have been battling shin splints and I have actually missed it. I ran for the first time in a week tonight and it felt pretty good. After not quite 2 months have I actually become a runner? (Not a good one by any means, but, a person who really enjoys running... this is a remarkable feat.)
I have gotten to spend some quality time with my niece this week which has been awesome but has also made me realize that this whole kid thing will come when I'm ready, when we're ready- which might not be right now.
I am surrounded by some pretty amazing people in my life. My hubby- there really are no words but the longer we're married and the crazier our lives get the more I realize how well he handles my crazy. My friends- are so supportive and make me laugh and know just the right things to say. My family- despite their tendency to drive me crazy occasionally, love me ferociously and I would not be where I am without them.
Bottom line is I am lucky.
So damn lucky.
How do you ever know if you are ready?
This past week (Sunday-Friday) I worked 56 hours and that's with the 4th of July off and doesn't include my home call time which basically means being a slave to my pager and being on the phone all night long. Two of the nights when I got home shortly before 9pm I thought to myself- How would I do this if I had a baby?
My husband is currently doing 2 months of nights- he works Monday-Friday from 6pm-7am. This means we get to see each other Saturday night and Sunday if we're lucky and I'm not working that weekend.
It has been hard. Really hard.
I miss my husband.
I miss having time to ourselves.
If we had a baby right now I don't know if I'd be able to hold it all together.
Now this month is a little bit of an exception in that it's particularly bad schedules for both of us and 1 and 1/2 months in the nights for him are just getting old.
But... am I crazy to think we can do this?
If we had just gotten pregnant right away I don't think I would have thought about it as much or realized how difficult it could/will be.
These 15 months have given me time. Time to think. Time to worry.
Then my brother-in-law and niece arrived yesterday. The niece I have only met once before because they lived in Hawaii and now California. She is 2 now and amazing. She hugged me right away and then climbed into my lap and was fighting sleep after the long night of traveling.
It only took those 5 minutes for me to love her all over again.
And then I think- How could we not do this? How could I not be ready? Ready to love someone in a way that I will never fully understand until they're here?
Holding her I want a baby so bad it hurts.
I want someone to look up at me and say mommy.
I want a cuddler.
I want a piece of me and the hubby wrapped up in one.
I want. I want. I want.
I want a baby.
