The Price We Pay...

So infertility is draining... to the mind, body, spirit... and wallet.

We don't even really know what we're in for yet monetarily.  The work-up we've undergone so far has cost us more than anticipated.  I thought I had pretty good insurance and I think the testing so far has cost us $800-1,000.  And that's not including an HSG or any treatment.

But the price we've paid so far falls into the spirit department. 

I talked about this in my first post and it was part of my motivation for starting this blog- wanting to air my frustrations in an effort to have a more positive attitude.

The most challenging thing lately has been the effect all of this is having on our future and our career decisions.  Oh how lucky are those who don't have to plan for infertility.

My husband is one year away from being finished with his residency.  He has the option of starting to work as an attending immediately when he is done or continuing his training further and doing a 1 year Intensive Care fellowship.  He would be an excellent ICU doctor and I want him to follow his dreams.  I have 2 years left and will make substantially less money than him even when I am an attending (pediatric subspecialties despite sometimes longer training pay less- go figure).  He has to decide soon (like should have decided already).

But... the truth is... if he starts working right away his salary will at least quadruple- if not more. If he continues on to fellowship his salary will remain essentially the same.  We are not poor right now by any means but we also have a huge amount of medical school debt between the two of us and the idea of paying thousands of dollars for IVF or adoption is not feasible at the moment.

To be honest, I didn't even consider this when he debated back and forth about whether or not to pursue a fellowship.  He brought it up and he is the one who continues to worry about it.  He puts our family first and above his career which is just one of the many reasons I adore him. 

But I want him to be happy. 

I don't want him to have any regrets.

And what if he forgoes fellowship so that we can afford infertility treatments or adoption and we aren't successful in having a baby?

Is it worth that cost?  Will he have regrets?

I know if I was pregnant right now he would do the fellowship.  It is what he wants. 

I wish these decisions were easy.

I wish there was a right answer.

I wish I could just get pregnant so I could start decorating a nursery instead of worrying about all this bull shit.