Ready or Not... Here I come

How do you ever know if you are ready?

This past week (Sunday-Friday) I worked 56 hours and that's with the 4th of July off and doesn't include my home call time which basically means being a slave to my pager and being on the phone all night long.  Two of the nights when I got home shortly before 9pm I thought to myself- How would I do this if I had a baby?

My husband is currently doing 2 months of nights- he works Monday-Friday from 6pm-7am.  This means we get to see each other Saturday night and Sunday if we're lucky and I'm not working that weekend.

It has been hard.  Really hard.

I miss my husband. 

I miss having time to ourselves. 

If we had a baby right now I don't know if I'd be able to hold it all together.

Now this month is a little bit of an exception in that it's particularly bad schedules for both of us and 1 and 1/2 months in the nights for him are just getting old.

But... am I crazy to think we can do this?

If we had just gotten pregnant right away I don't think I would have thought about it as much or realized how difficult it could/will be.

These 15 months have given me time. Time to think. Time to worry.

Then my brother-in-law and niece arrived yesterday.  The niece I have only met once before because they lived in Hawaii and now California.  She is 2 now and amazing.  She hugged me right away and then climbed into my lap and was fighting sleep after the long night of traveling.

It only took those 5 minutes for me to love her all over again.

And then I think- How could we not do this? How could I not be ready? Ready to love someone in a way that I will never fully understand until they're here?

Holding her I want a baby so bad it hurts. 

I want someone to look up at me and say mommy. 

I want a cuddler.

I want a piece of me and the hubby wrapped up in one. 

I want. I want. I want. 

I want a baby.