My BFF's Baybee

This morning my very best friend in the world had a BAYBEE!!!

We have been friends since freshman year of high school, since we were 14 years old, for more than half our life time now.  We bonded over her scumbag cheater boyfriend- I may have a predilection to hold a grudge- I can fake a smile but still secretly hate him the occasional time every year or two that I have to see him at the wedding of an unfortunate high school friend who possesses more forgiveness in their heart than I do or happens to like scumbags.  I digress, she is basically my sister from another mister... and mother.  I don't have any sisters of my own so I consider her mine which makes her baby my niece!

Anyway, we started trying to make babies around the same time (I think my hubby & I actually started a month or two earlier), so she probably knew something was up when month after month I didn't tell her I was pregnant but after finding out she was pregnant I was afraid to tell her I wasn't pregnant either.  It might sound crazy but I didn't want her to feel any guilt over being pregnant when I was not.  I didn't want it to be awkward. 

I didn't want her to worry that I felt anything other than happiness about her pregnancy.

But if I'm being honest, I did. 

I cried the night I found out she was pregnant.  No, not in front of her when she told me and no, not out of joy.  I cried for myself and my empty, empty uterus.  I had never felt such a juxtaposition of emotions.  Every ounce of me was so unbelievably happy for her and her husband who I also love.  At the same time every ounce of me was sad that I couldn't be sharing the same joy, that I couldn't be pregnant with her.  I don't like to admit that I was jealous but there was a part of me that was jealous- a small, fleeting part, mostly I was just sad.

After talking to one of my other very best friends (who is also a mutual friend from high school) about all this infertility business and starting the infertility evaluation and having my mini melt down over my "abnormal" vaginal ultrasound, I decided to tell her.  I haven't really told her about the part of me that felt sadness that night she told me she was pregnant but I think if I did she would understand.  She knows I love her and could not be more happy for her but she also knows I'm human- we lived together for 3 years- how could she not?

The thing was, she was amazing about it all.  We were just the same best friends- one a with a little more luck than the other. I don't know why I thought that would change or be in jeopardy.  And for most of the rest of her pregnancy I was just happy and excited for her.  I threw her a fabulous baby shower- drank a few too many glasses of wine afterward and felt a little sad for myself but other than that I was happy, happy, happy.

And today, when I got to meet her beautiful daughter, I was in awe- in awe of this amazing baby that my friends made and nourished for 9 months, in awe of her amazing strength to deliver her baby with a smile on her face and sleep through most of her labor (with Pitocin on board!), in awe of how beautiful she is (no cone head at all!), in awe that I get to be a part of this little one's life.