Ambivalence... Well Yes... and No

The other best friend I mentioned in my last post is currently in town visiting her family and I was lucky enough to get to spend last night drinking wine and catching up with her. 

She is the only person I have admitted my big secret to:
Sometimes I have some ambivalence about getting pregnant.

I can't figure it out really.  I want to be pregnant so badly.  There are times I think about it all day and have a longing from my heart, from my whole being to carry a baby.  Times it physically hurts.  For months I cried each time my period came again.  I looked for any sign I could be pregnant- nausea, sore boobs... I mean there are times I am crazy.  Legit crazy.

Then there are days I think- Can we really do this? Will I be a good parent? How far am I willing to go?  Maybe it just isn't meant to be and we are pushing for something impossible with likely dire results? Is it worth the stress on our marriage infertility has already caused prior to even starting treatments? 

I don't know if this ambivalence is just another protective mechanism my subconscious is utilizing.  Like, hey I can be okay without having a child just to try to make this whole situation less shitty and downright awful.

And I worry if I'm not all in, if we're not all in, should we really be trying to have a baby at all?