Well Isn't It Ironic

Don't you think...
A little too ironic... yea I really do think.

So I was 3 going on 4 days late today.  Last night my hubby and I had talked about it and I had asked him if he thought I should take a test.  He told me to wait until I was a week late since that would be the most accurate.  I told him I didn't think I could wait all the way until Tuesday and I had wanted to take a test tomorrow morning (now today).

This morning he wakes me up (he leaves for work before I'm even awake) and asks me "Are you going to take a pregnancy test?"  I reply "Do you think I should?" "Yea I think so" he says.  So I get out of bed, grab a little cup to pee in to stick the preg stick in, and head to the bathroom.

I am holding that cup in the toilet and trying to pee and something just doesn't feel right so I look down and that little cup is filling up with blood. 

I feel this sense of dread rush over me and just like that I'm not pregnant, the Clomid didn't work, that hope I had is washing away.

Oh the irony.

Or maybe it's not ironic, just like Alanis' song, maybe it just sucks.

I go back downstairs and tell my husband.  He holds me on his chest.  I tell him I'm sorry.  He asks why.  I tell him I'm sorry that I'm not pregnant.  I'm sorry that it can't be easy.  I just wanted the Clomid to work so that it could be easy, so that he would know now that he could do his fellowship, so that this nightmare would be over.  I ask him to promise me he'll do his fellowship.  He tells me he can't do that.  And he holds me and kisses me and tells me it's not my fault.  Then he asks if I want to skip the day of work, for us both to skip and go do something fun.  I tell him I just want to go back to bed.  Do I want him to come with me? Yes.  But I don't think we should skip work so he can't.

Now as I write this and I've been crying all morning I really wish I had taken him up on his offer.  Instead I'm leaving for work- a mess.