Shout It From the Rooftop

I am day 24 of my first Clomid cycle today and I am scared.  I have been having 28 day cycles for the past few months so I hopefully only have a few more days to wait but it's a harder wait this month.  I don't know why (maybe it's the dismal statistics) but I think of Clomid as a "here's your last shot at something non-invasive and cheap, probably not gonna work but we'll give it a go considering the alternatives" treatment.  I read for unexplained infertility your rate of conception per month is 2% and Clomid increases this to 4%. YIPEE!!! Sounds like the miracle cure to me! So I have been trying not to be extra hopeful but it is hard not to be.

And I am back to my typical ways of thinking everything that happens to me is a sign that I could be pregnant.  I had nausea after dinner last night and it's still hanging around this morning. My first thought- could I be pregnant? These are the thoughts I try to push away because I know from past months they only bring more disappointment when day 1 comes.

The less than optimistic side of me called yesterday to make our first appointment with a reproductive endocrinologist.  First, I must confess that I HATE calling strangers/businesses ect.  I can talk on the phone all day to my best friends from high school who are scattered across the country, but something about calling to order food, make appts, talk to strangers of any sort gets me nervous.  I also had some guilt because my OB had recommended that I see Dr. H but Dr. A has an excellent reputation in this area and I have friends and friends of friends who have gone to him so I decided that I would rather see Dr. A.  So I call and the person answering the phone tells me kindly that Dr. A is leaving their practice and moving out of state tomorrow.  Tomorrow? Really? Okay, Dr. H it is.  The thing is my husband talked to friends of ours who went through IVF several years ago with Dr. A, they are both physicians as well and one of them worked with Dr. H as a med student and described him as "weird." Great- just what I need, weird people looking at my vajay.

Anyway, beggers can't be choosers I guess.  So I scheduled the appointment for October because that is when my husband and I are both on months where we can realistically make it to a doctor's appointment together. And that gives me the 2 more months of Clomid we are planning on right now if this month is unsuccessful.  I figure I can cancel if I'm in that lucky 4%.

The person I spoke to was very sweet and explained the process and how the appointment would go, told me they're mailing us a packet with medical information release forms for our records to be sent from my OB and for my husband's semen analysis. Yet somehow when I hung up the phone I felt this intense sadness, like making that phone call was admitting we failed, shouting out "WE ARE INFERTILE!"

But in reality- it has been 18 months, we have failed.

And it breaks my heart.